To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

My granny lives with my aunt after she bought her to live with her over 20 years ago when granny was in her 60's. All was well for the first 20 years but the last few years have not been so good. My auntie works full time (because she is only in her early fifties and hasn't yet paid off her mortgage) and she doesn't have a partner, it is just her and my granny. My auntie is awake for most of the night, every night due to granny's health needs and needing to be turned over several times during the night and needing help to get to the toilet several times each night. Other family members try to go in and help granny during the day when my auntie is at work. But aunties own health and social life has been ruined. Everybody would have been better off if granny had stayed in her own home (which was a council rented flat) as granny would be getting help from social services. Granny might not have been happy going into a care home but at least my auntie would have a life and not be refused any social care help. It would probably be better if she had stayed in her council flat because she would be able to get some home help (and help towards the cost as she is on pension credit)
Bringing elderly relatives to live with you is not always a good answer.

I don't think we have a culture or housing stock of retirement communities or even well planned mixed communities that are suitable for everyone.

If we had retirement communities with decent, spacious parking, small gardens or allotments, 2 bed properties, affordable and optional meal/care/cleaning/maintenance plans, option to have a pet, situated in easy distance of facilities etc then perhaps more people would choose this. Macarthur Stone are more along these lines.

If I won the Euromillions I'd like to set something like this up as a sort of model village but provide an on-site nursery/creche and key worker housing and run it as a social enterprise to get people into the workplace after having kids. Draw on the expertise of residents to help with personal and professional development, and allow for a small 'angel investor' approach and facilities for setting up a small business for workers.

A community enterprise sort of thing

It's really sad that not one of you has offered to have your elderly parent come stay with you at your home. What a terrible, selfish bunch we are

Why is it selfish? Do you know what caring involves? It can be anything from a cup of tea and cooking to full on washing, dressing, helping to the toilet, cleaning up the incontinence in the middle of the night, adapting your house with stair lifts, grab rails and wheelchairs, having a walk in shower fitted. Attending hospital and GP appointments, worrying if you go out will they fall, making sure your relative with dementia hasn't left the oven on again or set fire to a saucepan, making sure they take their 10 tablets a day and sorting them out for the week, constant washing of soiled clothes, being in control of their finances, the list goes on.

Which is fine if that's what you want to do and are happy, but it's hard work, you have to give up your job and your life. What if you already have children at home? Dementia patients can be aggressive and rude, it's not all about sitting and listening to tales of years ago.

I commend anyone that can do it, but it's a full time job and no-one should be forced to do it. It's not a selfish decision but it can be a selfish decision to make your family carry out that role if they don't wish to.

Thanks, whenshe.

To be honest, I don't know how we would have done it if it'd gone on much longer - she was only very ill for a matter of months, because it went very quickly.

I agree with other posters that caring for someone for years is a huge thing, and could be giving them a pretty rotten quality of life too.

ever, bear in mind - we're talking about people in their 60s (!) moving into more suitable homes on this thread - plenty of people in their 60s are caring for elderly parents themselves.

Some retirement homes in The Netherlands have students living in them in return for part time work with the older people so I think these types of ideas can work well for everyone's benefit.

I agree that people need to downsize while they are healthy and fit. But everyone always seems to think they will be that healthy and fit 90 year old.

Why do they need to?

We are fit and well but are downsizing because we learned a lesson the hard way.
I am just about to set off to take one oldie lunch and then it is on to the Hospital to visit another. They depend on us. They go from crisis to crisis. They made no provision for their old age whatsoever. They are living in huge house with massive unmanageable gardens. It costs us a lot in time and money to drive over two and a half hours to get here. They seem oblivious to the sacrifices we are making.
My Dh has spent most of the morning taming the garden of one of them. He is going to spend hours chopping wood for his Fathers wood burner.

Why people don't move when they can. is because they don't realise how fast old age creeps up on you. They leave moving too late.
We had to live with them last year as one had collapsed. It introduced me to the world of key safes, walking frames, etc
It focused our Dow sniping plans. I need to be near shops and a hospital and a pharmacy.

We have given our children POA, put all the documents in an accessible place, made a will and bought funeral plans. We discuss it with them openly.
We do not want them, our DCs to go through what we are going through. I don't want them to look after us either.
You cannot ask someone to sacrifice their life for yours.

holeinmy you sound really kind.

It seems like the people most likely to plan for old age are the ones who have cared for others.

"It seems like the people most likely to plan for old age are the ones who have cared for others."

Yes, think you are right there. But having said that, even if you downsize, you still need help with hospital appointments etc. It's luck of the draw as to whether you will be a burden or not, I think, even if you do all you can to alleviate it.

A year ago my mother was travelling across continents to speak at conferences and working fairly full time (if freelance). Today, she is recovering from extensive cancer surgery which has left her frail, partially disabled as the result of nerve damage, and unable to get around more than three rooms of her large house. Carers are coming in to help her change and wash and deal with personal care which she could do herself if she lived in a different sort of environment. She misses having her own dignity and independence. She can't get to the kitchen. She cannot get to the bathroom. She shuffled into the garden (also down steps unless you do a circuitous route) for the first time in four months yesterday.

She's a very good illustration of how the environment can disable us. Somewhere else, she'd be using the loo and showering and doing the odd bit of cooking for herself.

I'm nearly 52. In the next decade I'm moving to somewhere which is accessible if and when I too am in her situation. I do not want to live in an environment which disables me. I don't want to live in a retirement community; I do want to go on being a cranky old boot surrounded by too many books, in a house/flat that I actually like and can physically negotatiate.

'I think some people are also a bit snobby about the idea of lving in a flat, they see it as beneath them'

I live in one. And have done for most of my adult life bar about 3 years. It always sucks. Noise, noise and more noise. Not having your own front door, the park your car near your front door. Or back door. Living close to people sucks.

Those retirement flats also have a huge number of restrictions. Imagine paying a bomb to live in a place where you can't have guests and all sort of restrictions?

Fuck that.

Are you writing a paper on this?

It's really sad that not one of you has offered to have your elderly parent come stay with you at your home. What a terrible, selfish bunch we are.

Please don't assume that we all have any kind of workable relationship whatsoever with our parents. I don't actually like mine all that much, and I can bore you for hours with the backstory or you can just accept that.

My Nan and grandad have made it clear that they would rather die than live in a home. They feel disgusted at the thought of having strangers do personal care for them and they do not want to ever leave their beautiful home. they dont want to live somewhere that smells of piss and they don't want to eat the food there either.

I support them in this 100% and will move in and care for them when it becomes necessary if they will allow me. They have given me so much throughout my life, I would happily give them the end of life that they deserve. It's not an option for everyone, but I would give up everything to stop my grandparents going into a home.

My parents downsized when my mum retired, to a very small flat. They cleared everything out, collected over the years.
My mum now has altzeimers. They cannot go into a retirement village, or sheltered housing - they will not accept my mum. The only alternative would be to put her into a home and my dad into sheltered housing, but he refuses point blank to be separated from her.
We do what we can to help them and support them, but I would not, could not, have them live with us. If that makes me a selfish bitch, then so be it - but I have stayed with my mum on a number of occasions recently while dad was in hospital, and it just about killed me.
At 65, when she retired, she was extremely fit, active and very, very young, to have suggested a retirement home at that stage would have had her on the floor laughing.
Life is cruel.

I have a relative in one of those retirement flats, which have huge charges. My relative complained to Age Concern and others about the charges and conditions not long after she bought the place. Her daughter then received a letter saying the relative was suddenly no longer suitable for the accommodation, as "her needs had changed"...

The more I think about it, the more our current 3-bed semi is suitable, if we install a downstairs shower. Small level garden, in good condition, rooms upstairs for relatives to stay or care workers... Just so long as I've got rid of all my extra stuff!!!

Flanjabelle, that is lovely of you. I think, though, that it's not the home that is so depressing, rather the need for personal care. Homes don't all "smell of piss".

I should add that they live in a bungalow so it's perfect for them as their mobility decreases.

Also my grandad is going blind and is mostly deaf. how would he ever get to know his surroundings in a new place? He can walk around his bungalow with his eyes closed and not bump into anything because they have lived there so long.

Cret I have worked in an area that involved visiting retirement homes on a regular basis. I must have gone to at least thirty different homes and every one of them smelt horrible. I wouldnt have trusted any of them to look after my relative Anyway. The lack of respect for residents and general poor care has put me off for life. I will never let my family live like that, no way.

It's all very well saying that people are selfish not having elderly relatives to live with them, but you may not yourself be physically capable of offering the specialist care that they need. E.g. hospitals have hoists for lifting patients, but imagine being an 8 stone woman trying to lift a 13 stone man. I tired that with my father -just about impossible for me.

Toooldtobearsed - have you considered your mum going into a home, and your dad visiting every day (if the sheltered accommodation was close). Some homes have lovely rooms with en-suites, and he could spend his afternoons there with her, while not having the stressful time actually looking after her. The staff often welcome such visitors. Lots of homes have relatives visiting regularly, too, and they would also be companions for your dad, providing moral support.

I totally get moving into a more manageable property while you're still fit, healthy etc. But living only among people the same age as you - no children allowed even - that doesn't sound good or healthy. And I speak as someone who enjoys the company of people my age and older.

I live in a three up, three down ex council house with a bathroom upstairs, a toddler and one imminent, no spare money for any necessary improvements and two increasingly irritable GPs of DH who are quite used to living in their vast bungalow but getting v doddery and not admitting it. They'll barely let the cleaner in, let alone carers. Where am I supposed to put them, Evergreen? In the greenhouse? I think they'd be the first to tell us they'd rather not, despite the huge inconvenience we have to go to to look after them every time they have a fall, water infection because they won't drink anything but tea or low blood pressure episode (because they don't like taking their medicine).
Bit of a crappy post IMO.