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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

294 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:07

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

OP posts:
duplodon · 13/04/2015 17:41

In many countries a retirement home is a care home, with what you describe being called sheltered living. I'm fairly sure tbh that when I trained as a hcp and had to visit nursing/care homes, many of them were called retirement homes (UK)

LaVolcan · 13/04/2015 17:42

Why should they move if they don't want to, just because someone else thinks it's a good idea.

The difficulty comes when they can't look after themselves. I know plenty of 80 year olds who are still perfectly active and can easily manage to care for themselves, their houses, their gardens plus take turns helping with the grandchildren, and there is absolutely no need for them to move. But for those who can't manage to feed, clean themselves etc. it can be very very difficult to know what to do for them.

As others have said, these are often the ones who have some sort of crisis, end up in hospital and end up being discharged to a care home.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 17:48

Sorry duplodon I honestly thought these places were called retirement homes / villages. We already use the term care home / nursing home so I thought retirement home described something different.

Sheltered accommodation doesn't seem to fit the bill in some cases. As there isn't always that much sheltering (warden might only be part time).

OP posts:
winewolfhowls · 13/04/2015 17:58

This has been a very interesting thread hearing all sorts of experiences. It has challenged assumptions that i had based on my experiences (such as people would prefer company than to be alone but in their own house)

Mrsstarlord · 13/04/2015 18:01

LaVolcan

But if they have the capacity to make that decision then it's up to them. I make many unwise decisions spending all night on mumsnet instead of working but that's my choice, just as most other people can decide where they want to live even if other people disagree with them.

LaVolcan · 13/04/2015 18:15

Mrsstarlord - I can see absolutely no problem with those who still have the capacity to make the decisions themselves. There can definitely be a problem when the person say gets dementia and cannot make a decision.

A neighbour ended up with dementia and was in no way capable of looking after herself. The worse thing was, she only had the one daughter who had moved miles away, so wasn't in a position to pop in each day to see that she was alright. My parents used to keep an eye on the neighbour until they began to crack up themselves and had to move to a smaller place nearer my brother, (they couldn't afford a house near me). With my parents we managed to keep them in their own home with carers and a cleaner and gardener. Our neighbour had no choice but to go into a home.

It's difficult, so difficult, to know what the best option is - there just seems to be no ideal solution.

Bonsoir · 13/04/2015 18:18

IME with my parents, older people take their own decisions that involve a great deal of filial/familial support, without consulting those who will be doing the supporting!

Cherriesandapples · 13/04/2015 18:37

I meet some amazing families who do exceptional care for their loved ones. I meet some amazing home carers who are really part of the family. I go into some care homes that also treat their residents as family and give excellent care! People hear about the bad but although I see some bad, it is mostly good! The type of care had to be right for that person and their family and there is no one size all solution because each of us are unique individuals! Smile

Christinayangstwistedsister · 13/04/2015 18:41

Cherries

Your right, I have also met some home support workers who really go the extra mile

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 18:42

mrsstarlord
But if they have the capacity to make that decision then it's up to them. I make many unwise decisions spending all night on mumsnet instead of working but that's my choice

The thing is it's your choice and you will be the one taking the flak if it goes wrong. Eg getting fired for spending too much time on mumsnet (I'm sure you are too responsible for this Grin)

In a lot of cases when an older person doesn't plan well it's someone else who picks up the slack.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 18:44

Ah bonsoir beat me to it Smile

OP posts:
ShouldIworryornothelp · 13/04/2015 19:09

I wish more would move into sheltered housing sooner. There's more to life than remaining in your own home becoming increasingly dependent on people feeling obligated to carry out care they're not comfortable providing.

At least in a sheltered scheme you're around other people, have someone popping by to check you're OK daily but are otherwise independent

Can you tell I'm in the midst of this discussion with a relative?

comedancing · 13/04/2015 19:22

Few of my friends had this situation recently with parents refusing to go into nursing homes and everyone totally stressed. I said to two of them..OK let's decide here and now that when our turn comes we will go happily and not be such a burden. Both of them shouted in chorus...oh no lm never going into a nursing home!! We all think it will never happen to us. I often think it's really hard too how husbands and wipes can't stay together.. So sad at the end of their days

comedancing · 13/04/2015 19:22

Wives!

LesleyKnopeFan · 13/04/2015 21:26

OP - how many sheltered accommodations, warden-controlled dwellings, retirement villages or care homes have you actually been in and spent time in?

This is not a goady question, I don't think your op has been offensive, I'm just interested to know.

And just for info, sheltered accommodation is the same if the warden is only part-time, or doesn't live on-site, the tenants will have a pull-cord system where they can contact a control centre.

I don't want to out myself but I probably have more experience of the above living situation than many people on this thread. I truly do not ever want to move to one and this has nothing to do with sub-standard dwellings, or bad care, quite the opposite.

thehumanjam · 13/04/2015 21:34

We plan to move when our youngest leaves home, we will most likely be around 63 and have another 5 years before retirement. I've looked at warden controlled retirement villages but I'm not convinced they offer good value for money. The service charges are quite steep and they don't really offer anything in terms of care, not that that would be a priority for us at 63 anyway. We think a flat with a lift in the centre of town should suit us and when/if we get old we can have an alarm installed and pay for a carer once a day if necessary.

suzannecanthecan · 13/04/2015 21:37

to recap, the OP said

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.............A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier? Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

at no point does she mention care homes, or sheltered accommodation, the thread is about a refusal to downsize from a large family home to something more suitable, not a refusal to go into a home or sheltered accommodation/old persons ghetto!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/04/2015 21:45

My Mum wouldn't cope with moving from her home. She lived there all of her married life and all her memories are there. If it gets to the stage where she can't manage the stairs we'll move the bed downstairs - if I can help her stay there I will (and no, not because of any inheritance!).

While she might be better off in a retirement flat she would miss her home and garden too much and she'd probably have to give up her cat.

3littlefrogs · 13/04/2015 22:02

I live in London and my DC have no hope of even being able to afford to rent here, let alone buy.

We currently care for one elderly relative who lives with us, so have downstairs loo etc. If we need help with caring we will probably get someone to come to us.

In Asia this is quite normal so not a problem as far as DH and I are concerned. A bit more difficult for DC who have been brought up here.

I think that because of the cost of housing and low wages, there will be a bit of a culture shift and families will end up all living together.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 22:06

Thanks suzanne yes the point of the thread was about not staying in inappropriate housing and relying on relatives to look after you and your home constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 22:12

lesley I don't mind being asked anything. Probably been in about 20 care homes, honestly hated every minute spent in them. It's a real shame I didn't frame my op better as I think a lot of posters assumed I want to dump everyone over 70 in a care home.
I really hope never to have to set foot in one again (either visiting relatives or for myself).

The sheltered accommodation however looked great.
Disclaimer there are loads being build round my way at the moment so the couple I've seen are brand spanking new.
One and two bed flats, gardens, parking, communal areas looked good and there is a spare flat you can "rent" for relatives to come and visit.

I'm sure there are some gritty ones out there - but I've been in some pretty grotty houses and it's not put me off buying a house.

Do you mind if I ask what you didn't like about the sheltered accommodation / retirement home?

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/04/2015 22:12

My Aunt, 88 and living on her own, downzised to a flat with a warden and so far despite dementia has been able to stay in her own home with a caer package.

My FIL is in a care home which he hates, although it is very good with lovely carers. He just thinks he can look after himself but he can't. He wants to live with us, but that is not happening as he needs 24/7 care.

Mintyy · 13/04/2015 22:17

I wish my mum would do this. She is lonely and I am sure she would benefit from having close neighbours. Of course she isn't going to like or get on with them all, but there would probably be a couple of like minded people she could form relationships with.

In her case, I think what is holding her back is just the sheer enormity of the process - selling her house, finding a place, doing the actual move. The very idea of it seems impossible/exhausting to her ... which I can understand.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/04/2015 22:24

It's really sad that not one of you has offered to have your elderly parent come stay with you at your home.

A very naïve comment. How do you care for an elderly relative who needs round the clock care when you both work full time. Or are we meant to go back to the good old days when women did not work outside the home... (because that is what would often be needed)

Sadly old people who bang on about watning their independence expect it at the cost of their children's quality of life.

pressone · 13/04/2015 22:34

My parents lived in the same large detached property in 1/3 acre garden for 40 years, finally moving to a smaller house in the next street last year. Mum calls it her mouse-house. It has a lovely summer house, no lawns but enough garden to potter in and sit out on the patio next to the house, or a small patio surrounded by flowers.

It was a big shock to them to move out of the house we grew up in, and have less space, but it is much more manageable and practical but still near friends and the amenities they are used to. Most importantly it is theirs to decorate and live in as they wish with no rules or regulations (except those Mum makes!)

Mum did say after they had moved that their next move would be to a ground floor self contained retirement flat, but not until they were old.

They are both mid 70s.

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