To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

'It's really sad that not one of you has offered to have your elderly parent come stay with you at your home. What a terrible, selfish bunch we are.'

Yes, because we all live in houses large enough to and which can accommodate an elderly parent, close to them so they want to move in with us.

We live in a maisonette that starts on the first floor and the only loo is upstairs. It has steps to even get to the communal door, too.

Loads of people live in tiny flats because they need to be near areas of work, which may have high house prices.

Most people work FT or more.

It is their home, not just a house made from bricks and mortar. However, I do agree with you.

As I have aged I have learned from the older people in my life. Those that made the right and also the wrong decisions (well in my opinion anyway).

You need to consider the future whatever age you are. However, your health changes far quicker as you age, so the future to consider when you are 30 may be for the next 20 years. The future when you are 60 may be 10 years and the future when you are 70 may only be 5 years.

My mum moved into a smaller bungalow from a large house when she was 55 because she knew that she would not cope with the stairs as she aged. She moved from her bungalow to sheltered housing when she was 72 as she knew she would eventually need a warden etc. There were plenty of 1st floor flats, but she wanted a ground floor with access and views to the garden. This took longer to find and she wanted to do it with no pressure.

3 years on, my mum needs a new hip and is bloody relieved to be in the right place.

My aunt (mother's sister) lives in a large house in the middle of no where. She is 78. Her beloved husband of 60 years died a few months ago. My aunt is immobile and grieving. If they both had moved into a village/town with access to shops etc and a bungalow or ground floor flat, it would be much better for my immobile aunt now. Also, her and my uncle would have 'settled' together before he passed away. Now my aunt is rattling around a big house with nobody around and has to try to make somewhere new her home.

My friend's mother is 82. Before her husband died 5 years ago, her daughters asked them to move and start in a more appropriate location together as they were aware that their mother wouldn't be able to cope in the house alone. They didn't. Now my friend's mother lives in a house she is unable to get upstairs, can't keep the huge garden neat and has run out of savings to keep the house too.

Far better all round if 8 years ago they had moved into a smaller bungalow together and settled into a life and found out about the area together. Now she is alone and has to move as she can't afford to live there.

Planning for the future is more than about your pension.

why should we house parents who have selfishly stuck their heads in the sand and refused to plan ahead?

amarmai Are you writing a paper on this

No - just interested in this topic, seen a few elderly parents who cherish their independence. Except they aren't independent, their poor kids are constantly drafted in to support them.
It's exhausting, I don't know anyone who has cared for an elderly relative who would expect someone to do the same for them.

Cretaceous believe me, we have tried. The toll it is taking on his life in immense, but she is all he lives for and he simply will not consider it.
Suzanne, despite me saying I would not have my parents live with us, your post is really harsh. People do not necessarily stick their heads in the sand, life just bites you in the bum sometimes.
Tell me how you would plan for dementia? Book yourself into a nursing home at 60, just in case?

I agree that we do need to think ahead, and most particularly, discuss fully with family. We are in that process now.

Also, last one from me, I promise, I am in my mid fifties. I do not feel any older, slower or frailer than I did when I was 30. We are planning because we have seen the difficulties first hand. The older generation have not, necessarily. Both of my parents parents conveniently died in their own beds in their late sixties, with no need for extra support. Times change, people live longer, to berate 'our' older generation for not planning is unfair.

However, to blame my parents for stubborn so and so's is fair game

For goodness sake!! Is it so hard to put yourself in their shoes? Really think about how you would feel about moving somewhere that institutionalises your living. Where you have to eat at the same time as everyone else, where you can't go out easily, where you are forced to sit near and talk to people you might have nothing in common with,day after day. Where there are "organised" joilties all day every day. Old pepole need help and support to live the best lives they can. This would as a minimum, the ability for people to get up when they wanted, to go to bed when they wanted and to eat when they wanted. Most retirement homes are so far away from providing this it is laughable.

Old people are not another species. they are people like us just older and sometimes more disabled.

Sheltered housing is one thing as there is still independance. I wouldn't mind that but as people get older they can't manage easily in sheltered housing as it exists now either and most residential/nursing homes are dire, even the "lovely" ones.

I understand why they don't, but having recently moved our mums into sheltered accomodation in their 80s, I wish they would have done it 5 or more years ago, it would have been so much easier to adjust while their memory was better. I am not talking about care homes, just flats built with age in mind, an optional communal lounge to meet up in and a warden in case of emergencies. Having looked after our mums in their own homes for quite a few years I want to make sure I am living in the right place when I get old to save my children the heartache.

I think you misunderstand me Tooold I'm talking about situations where people become unable to cope because they insist on remaining in properties which are just unsuitable, so they decline more quickly.
They could have been pragmatic but chose not to, so others are expected to deal with the consequences

I suppose we might look to the Japanese to see how this might pan out, they have a declining birth rate and an increasingly elderly population, if things continue on the current trajectory in a few generations or so there will be no Japanese people.

Dont forget that just as populations increase exponentially as birth rates increase above replacement level so they also decrease exponentially as birth rates drop below replacement level.
This is already happening in several countries

Lots and lots of old people, hardly any young people.

Older people tend not to find change one bit easy. A lot of "resistance" to practical decision making is a very real inability to take on board the very many adjustments to daily life that a move would entail.

I guess my carer could care for my mum if she moved in with me. Would that mean paying her double time?

Not everyone is in the position to care for elderly parents.

*The main but that annoys me is the "wanting to keep their independence" thing. In reality this often means relying in family to care for the home and the elderly relative.

It's great if the relatives are willing and able to do this. But often people have their own lives and don't have the time or energy to care for their parents and their property.*

This. MIL can stay where she is because unmarried and childfree SIL lives two streets away. Thought that wouldn't stop her falling down the stairs.

My dad lives 2.5 hours' drive away. As others have alluded to, there's nowhere to stay in his flat (though if he had a two bedroom flat there wouldn't be a problem, even though it's a sheltered complex). So when we visit we either have to on the way to my mum's where we can stay, or in a local B&B which of course adds expense. Where he lives has no station. I'm not a confident long-distance driver so I can't visit on a day trip especially in the winter. He did plan ahead by moving to a sheltered flat when he was 83.

But he didn't plan ahead when he chose a flat at the top of a small hill (despite being near town) in a town with no railway station and poor shops. And he doesn't use a computer so can't get things online. We should probably come up with a list for our 60-something parents and grandparents to consider when choosing their downsize home!

Perhaps things would be better if the government had put their money where their mouths were. Outcome focused assessment, National Care Standards, Care at Home, Bed Blocking, closing of council run care homes....all contribute to the situation by selling a service that doesn't exist or limiting choice and increasing vulnerability

My widdowed FiL sold his terraced house when he was 60 or so. Bought a two bed roomed flat in an over 55s building for pretty much the same price.

He's nearly 80 now, he has spent the last 20 or so years pottering about in his camper van with various lady friends and uses his flat as a base. He has lots of mates and social events in his building, nice communal gardens, and no external maintenance to worry about. He's a stroll from the library, the supermarket and a couple of nice pubs. And if he starts getting doddery, he has one of the cord pull alarm thingies.

And if he starts getting really doddery, he can come and live with us; it's cool, we have plenty of room.

My ex was EA/alki/shitloads of other problems and was 20 years older than me. We had children, boys. Yet he'd go on and on about his brothers daughters - my age - and how they'd always be there to look after his brother in his old age. He even told DS1 that he'd wanted girls. Selfish bastard.

I think the government has put a lot of money into Telecare, care at home, intermediate care, mobile response teams, occupational therapy, equipment and adaptations, telehealth. The problems is so many people are surviving longer. My caseload of people are generally in their 80's and 90's. I consider 60's and 70's to be fairly young now. I have seen two 100 /104 years olds recently!

Care at home is limited to x amount of calls per day at a time that can be fitted into a rota.

Bed blocking targets mean people are sent home before a care package can be it in place, we had an 80 year old woman sent home in her nightdress, in a taxi from hospital....no heating on in house and no food etc in

Rather than outcome focused assessment workers have to do service led assessment as indicated in one of the posts above

Absolutely the older population is growing, but don't make promises that they can't keep

Because leaving the place you lived your life for many many years in order to go to a poky little flat in a building that smells of disinfectant and wee just to wait to die, is not an appealing prospect.

Many hospitals throw people out too early. When I was in hospital recently, there was a very ill elderly woman brought in as an emergency, who had been discharged from the same hospital the night before. The desire to avoid bed blocking, can lead to people being discharged much too soon.

My parents are doing this now. Dad wants to go to a 'retirement village' but they can't really afford it. I want them to move nearer me to a small manageable bungalow. The choices are fairly limited because they are both not that mobile. I wish they had done SOMETHING 10/15 years ago when they were both fit and well when they could have found a comfortable compromise home which could have been adapted to their increasing frailty. But as they have left it so late what they really are doing is finding somewhere to wait to die. It's grim.

People are confusing retirement homes with care homes, but I can see why someone wouldn't be in a rush to move into either one.

Retirement flats often come with huge restrictions and fees. Flat living sucks, too, unless they are all ground floor, main door.

Honestly, I'm amazed at this thread. My mother always tells me she wants to go in a nursing home when she's old and inform but I think it will kill her if it ever happens. She doesn't even like having guests or going to dinner in other people's houses! She is intensely private and living in an institution would be soul destroying for her if she were cognitively aware of herself.

Flat living is perfectly tolerable with good sound insulation and considerate neighbours

Have you ever been to a "retirement home" OP? Unless you can afford something really special, it really is the first step onto a very short ladder up to the pearly gates.

The ones I've seen are dire - people sitting around with TV blaring, or forced bingo etc. Utilitarian furniture, with just a few personal items scattered around. Dreadful food. Not at all what I'd want for myself, nor for any of my elderly relatives.

'Flat living is perfectly tolerable with good sound insulation and considerate neighbours'

And that is about a rare as hen's teeth. So I don't blame people one bit for not wanting to live in one.