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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
Original poster
CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 21:27

Emotionsecho, you're right, that is a problem. A lot of the parents are from same social circle so they know my friend's son and what he can be like. Our close friends are more tolerant but I can see others being put off the whole event if they know he is coming, particularly the camping part.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 21:27

emotionsecho has a point, CaspianSea. I am that parent who would be very firm with a child I found to be spitting upon my own (or other people's DC) or to be kicking rabbit hutches and chasing the rabbits with sticks and I really wouldn't care if it upset the child or the parent.

If you've people in your party who've already been upset by this kid or who aren't the type to sit back and be quiet if he behaves as you've described it could all become quite difficult.

emotionsecho · 12/04/2015 21:29

Cross posted with you, OP, a trial run sounds a good idea then if it all goes awry you have a way in to the discussion with your friend about the main party and recent events to get the point across.

HeyDuggee · 12/04/2015 21:30

I'm sorry OP but I have to chuckle at the cultural differences here. To summarise, a small child of your friend's regularly damages and destroys bits of your home. You, as the adult and homeowner, feel you cannot discipline this small child in your own property and as child's mother also refuses to do so, you helplessly watch him break objects and terrorise your pets in your home.

You are planning a party and because your adult friend knows about it, you feel you are somehow obligated to invite her family and allow her child to possibly and probably destroy your new home and wreak havoc, unable to discipline this small child in your home while he does so.

That about right?

Ok.

You do not invite your friend.

She will be too "British" to confront you about the non- invitation.
Both of you will pretend none of it ever happened.

If she does drink enough gin to actually confront you, you throw back at her one of her ineffectual "disciplining" techniques...
Oh, but we can't possibly accommodate "high spirited/misunderstood/insert her lame excuse for his behaviour here" with so many people for such an extended time. Anyway, I don't think some of the parents would understand and tolerate it and I'm certain they would attempt to discipline him, which I'm sure would cause you huge upset.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/04/2015 21:30

Do your other friends know what this boy is like?
If I was invited to a party like you're planning where my (well behaved) DC could run on the grass, do cartwheels, play on a swing..........and one boy was determined to shout, push, yell, gob on them, steal what they're playing with, throw food, shove .
Well, I wouldn't subject my DC to that sort of behaviour from another guest.

If they are all playing you have no control over what happens unless several adults are supervising.
And it doesn't sound like his parents are prepared to do the supervision.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/04/2015 21:32

Ah, I see they know him

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 12/04/2015 21:32

It says a lot about you that you are trying to find some sort of solution for this. You are a better person than me as I just wouldn't have invited them at all.

Good luck with the dry run if you go ahead with it but I think you'll just end up having to be honest with her.

HeyDuggee · 12/04/2015 21:32

That was meant a bit more lighthearted than it came out after I typed it. I apologise in advance - it was meant to be jokey not stereotypically offensive.

BananaLeaf · 12/04/2015 21:34

Could you just say look there will be some kids there but we really don't feel it would be suitable for your DS. He really has run riot on other occasions and we just want a peaceful atmosphere.
Although if she already has a blind spot and doesn't know why he is excluded from other parties it may falll to you to spell it out and she may shoot the messenger.

Branleuse · 12/04/2015 21:36

she feels he is different. He has trouble socialising, he is being assessed at school.

Her parenting may not be the best in the world but it really sounds to me like the child has challenges.

weirdhamster · 12/04/2015 21:36

i am glad you are now allowing the child a bit of leeway. i do think so parents expect kids to all behave a certain way and they just aren't all easily socialised at a young age! poor kid to be labeled so young. everyone should be trying to help the mum out. she's probably very embarassed and covering up how bad she feels about it. but he is just very little and will grow out of it.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 12/04/2015 21:40

Oh, but we can't possibly accommodate "high spirited/misunderstood/insert her lame excuse for his behaviour here" with so many people for such an extended time.

That was meant a bit more lighthearted than it came out after I typed it. I apologise in advance - it was meant to be jokey not stereotypically offensive.

yes, of course. Jokey. Child that has enough problems that it has warranted an assessment already at 6yo (and believe me that doesn't happen lightly). Ha ha. I can see how it's lighthearted to call it "high spirited" or "misunderstood"or... what was it? oh yes... "lame" I can see where you might be concerned that it came off as stereotypically offensive instead of jokey. How clumsy. Hmm

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 21:40

But would your friend be happy if any of those supervising parents the. Properly disciplined her child in the way she does not? I think that is an important factor to consider. At 6 most people would be explaining to a child why the behaviour is not appropriate and then making sure the child understood and wasn't going to do it again.

Would your friends son be amenable to this approach or would he just ignore it in the way he ignores his mother? If so, what is probably going to hen is that the supervising parent is going to have remove the boy and take him back to his mother, who will not be chuffed, then dismiss the behaviour so you are back at square one again.

It's also a lot to ask other parents, who ate there to enjoy the,selves to take on responsibility for a child who does not respond to reasonable requests and for whom there is an established pattern of disruptive behaviour.

IMO a treaure hunt could be disastrous, as the boy could see it as an ideal opportunity to "explore" the areas you've said are out of bounds. In the same situation I d prefer him to stay in plain sight of his parents at all times, even if his DM does ignore his behaviour.

Catgotyourbrain · 12/04/2015 21:41

What Poltergoose said.

I've been there. It's unlikely she doesn't know he's challenging. It unlikely she isn't wanting the ground to swallow her up when her son behaves like that. I am. My DS is 8 and no way could we come to your party without being vigilant to the point of looking over-protective on what he's up to. He wouldn't be able to be running around with other kids. We've had this situation before with a host saying 'oh let them play, he's fine' to me when I knew I couldn't let my eyes off him for a moment because he'd do something mental (he was jumping on other kids on a trampoline and getting covered in mud in their pond - and not listening to me trying to sound nonchalant because he knew we were in company and I woudn't risk an epic meltdown. It's so bloody hard I can't tell you - when other parents are relaxing and chatting and able to let their kids actually play (DS has ADHD). I've felt mortified in the past because the kids have been outside on their own and I've felt I've had to be out there withy them- all the other adults inside chatting

HeyDuggee · 12/04/2015 21:42

Hey Alice - thanks, I knew despite the advanced apology someone out there would still have a dig. Hope you now feel better

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 12/04/2015 21:42

I do, actually. Thanks.

Catgotyourbrain · 12/04/2015 21:49

Also OP I think from the point of being a parent with a difficult child, if you're willing to be firm and spell out the rules to the child you're throwing the parent a bone. It's incredibly helpful if I'm at someone's hosue to say "stop that right now, you heard Jane say that was not allowed, you won't be able to play of you continue' - rather than " oh Johnny please don't do that, I don't think Jane would like it" don't be afraid to be clear.

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 21:54

That's a good point Cat and that might make the other parent feel as if they are sort of in it together.

Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 21:58

Mrsstarlord has a good handle on it. Just be honest and ask her if she thinks her will cope and what might help him to cope. If the conversation covers him not coping maybe then you could say how about he stays at his grans. Don't accept her saying yes he will though. You can drop in similar situations where he hasn't and that's why your concerned. I think this boy is coming to your party though. You just haven't made that decision yet. But let her know that there are certain expectations. Like being safe.

Peacocklady · 12/04/2015 22:04

So the mum has a 'blind spot' for her child? What, so she loves him rather than finding him a pain like everyone else does?
Some people aren't trained in managing difficult behaviour and she probably does feel embarrassed and want to downplay/ignore his behaviour a lot of the time, it's exhausting. If you say he's not welcome she'll rightly be very upset.
Sounds very much like he has sn and hopefully... she'll be supported with strategies to manage him when he's diagnosed.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2015 22:10

Wow op you are really good, a much better person than me. I woukd not have invited that family.

Mehitabel6 · 12/04/2015 22:16

The problem is that you have put up with him for 4 years , he isn't changing and so it was bound to get to the point where you don't want him in your home. I think you will have to have an honest chat with tne friend.

Silverdaisy · 12/04/2015 22:20

You have two threads active on AIBU, the other one you were embarresed by your own behaviour.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 12/04/2015 22:21

If ds was invited to that sort of party, I would take me weeks to plan.

He is asd and I know it would be a huge challenge for him, as his mum I would sit down with you while he is school and discuss my plans.

Failing that I could always leave ds in the tent with the mifi, headphones and his pad.

The headphones will drown out the sounds around him and the mifi will provide Internet and all he would do is watch stampy on YouTube.

She needs to wake up and start parenting this boy as the older he gets the harder it will be to correct his behaviour.

Only1scoop · 12/04/2015 22:24

Hope the mum from the school play doesn't try and gate crash Op.