To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

[CaspianSea]

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

I can't not invite my friend to party

Oh yes you can.

Sorry but she probably already knows what her DS is like. Your friendship has probably already suffered.

Personally I'd just leave it. Don't invite them. If you do she won't just accept to not bring her DS. If she asks before/after the event, be honest.

the fact that this boy was spitting on other children and his mother did not think that it was something to be bothered about is very concerning. This isn't something you can just shrug off - it's really unpleasant behaviour that is horrible for the other children to have to experience. Most people would be mortified and incredibly apologetic.

I'd be very upset at a parent who saw their child do this to mine and did nothing about it.

Chasing the rabbits with sticks would be a case of the parents being asked to take the boy home. Immediately. and if they hated me for that - too bad. I wouldn't be feeling too cordial towards them either.

but if he hadn't been invited we would be annoyed

xazzle genuine non-goady question - if it was an event that your DC couldn't cope with, why would you have been annoyed if he wasn't invited? And if he wasn't invited, would you have preferred the host of whatever party it was to talk to you beforehand saying why? Or would that have made it worse?

I would invite them but be prepared to discipline the child myself. When he acts up, picks on a kid, breaks something, treat him like you would your own. Get down to his level, tell him what he did wrong and put him in time out - in a visible place so he can't wreak vengeance. If his mother complains then explain to her why you did what you did, that the rules in this house are etc and that it is unfair for your children to see him treated differently. If she still objects or he refuses then ask her to leave.
It would show them both that there are consequences for their behaviour.

He may have SEN which are undiagnosed, such as impulse control issues, and so will furthermore need rules explained and enforced.

Chasing the rabbits with a stick? I wouldn't even consider having him back in my house, too much of a risk. Rabbits are prey animals and as pp have mentioned above can easily die of fright.

YANBU!

minkGrundy had a good idea. Invite them round as a dry run (they don't need to know that).

Explain the new house rules and see if he can last 2 hours without destroying something.

If nothing else it will be easier for you to have the frank conversation you need to have with this lady.

The rabbit chasing, or the spitting on other children, either would be a deal breaker for me.
I can put up with a lot of noise and jumping about, but not that.
I'm amazed that anyone would.

But Athrawes the OP can't be spending all bloody night parenting someone else's six year old, looking over her shoulder, watching his every move, supervising any time outs. It's totally impractical to expect it of her. She has scores of adult and young guests to attend to, as well as her own children; and that's ignoring the fact that she shouldn't have to! She's not his parent!

I would talk to her and let her know that unfortunately he cannot come due to the safety concerns for your pet rabbits. The wellbeing of your pets has to be your line in the sand I think. Would your DH agree to be the "bad" guy so that you can say he is insisting the the child cannot attend? Not very honest perhaps but if you're really loathe to have her be upset with you you could try that.

I would invite them, telling the child whatever house rules you've laid down for all the children, in front of your friend. Then if he kicks off, as seems likely, do as Athrawes suggests and deal with the behaviour. If there 's any come back from either parent, deal with the behaviour, and how it needs to change. Don't tell them how to parent ( not saying you would), just that certain behaviour is exactly what you've said mustn't happen.

Keeping it entirely based on what is happening at the time can help take the heat out of the situation.

ArcheryAnnie- We know better than anyone else what our son can and cannot cope with. We always find out about what events/venues will be like in advance and make our decision from that. I don't feel that it is anyone elses decision to make.

i would say great you can come to the party. unfortunately it's not suitable for your ds as you have too many safety concerns. could she leave him with his granny or someone? yes, she'll probably be upset, but it may actually be good for her to understand that it's a really big issue.

You can do what you like, but be prepared for her to hate your guts and none of them will come.

What if you included the child in the invite and set up challenges for all of the kids like a treasure hunt/ building challenge/ quiz. Tell the kids that points will be knocked off for bad behaviour and give prizes the following day.

This would mean a bit of extra effort but might be an incentive for the kid to behave and get all of the kids playing together.

I think OP has provided ample evidence of how this child has ruined a number of different occasions because his mother allows his behaviour to go unchecked.

This ^^

The point is not just that the little boy behaves badly it's that his parents don't correct him or remove him when he does so. I've got friends with very lively children who go ott and friends with children with SEN. All of these children are fine to have at parties etc because I know that their parents will keep a close eye on them and remind them how to behave. If it all gets a bit much for them they will take them out. The problem arises when the parent(s) act as though they are powerless in the face of their children's behaviour or as if it is nothing out of the ordinary despite the fact that it is clearly upsetting other people.

Hoobypickypicky - now the boy is killing rabbits? Somewhat of a jump.
I just think that the OP may have to invite to keep the friendship. If he starts being awful then there is a valid reason to ask them to leave. Predicting bad behaviour that has not happened yet (such as killing rabbits :) ) shows prejudice. Asking someone to leave when they are being unreasonable does not.

I like Minkgrundys idea too.

I like the idea of a 'trial run'... just told DH and he's in favour of this too. We're going to invite small group round for a BBQ soon, including a few kids, and explain ground rules when they all arrive. I suspect friend's son will ignore rules and cause chaos again, but at least it will open lines of communication to discuss party behaviour with his mum. If she's not willing to put strategies in place to keep him under control, or she thinks she can't stop him hurting other children or damaging things, I will suggest to her that it's not appropriate or safe to bring him to party.

Aimee, it's not noise or running around I'm worried about. The garden is big enough for kids to play games, chase around, make noise within reason. However I don't want them playing in water features, falling in pond, trampling flowers or doing any damage. DH suggested we padlock rabbit hutch if friend's son is coming, which is probably safest for rabbits. It's a shame because they're really friendly Rex rabbits (big cuddly breed that's good with children) and the other kids would enjoy playing with them, but I think it's best to only get them out if DH or myself can supervise closely. I was furious when he chased them before and I did yell at him to stop. Friend was embarassed and apologetic, told him off but he just laughed and ran away. She tried to make light of it but I sometimes suspect she does this to hide her embarrassment.

I'm thinking if he does come to party it might be best to arrange some kind of rota system between our close friends to monitor him, limit damage and intervene if he hurts other kids. And maybe get my friend to agree she will leave early with him if he won't behave. At least that's giving him a chance rather than excluding him altogether, so is less harsh?

It's a good idea to have a 'chill out room' downstairs with DVDs and toys etc, though I wouldn't want friend's son unsupervised in house. I think a babysitter would struggle to manage him though.

Is it likely that some of your other guests with children will not want to attend the party, or cancel, if your friends ds is there? You say your friend found out through another mutual friend about the party and that her son has already been excluded from parties by other parents, are any of these parents likely to be guests? If they are I can see your party being a lot less than magical as the atmosphere could well be soured by their feelings towards your friend and her son.

If your friend and her ds do attend and he behaves as badly as you have described towards other children one of the other parents could step in and it could deteriorate very quickly, especially if your friend doesn't take kindly to her or her son's behaviour being criticised.

You are in a tough situation and none of the options are great but I think your only option is to talk to your friend openly and honestly about your concerns.

aimee, stop changing what I actually said. It's as disingenuous as it is inaccurate.

Moving on from that silly attempt, the child has already been awful. His behaviour, according to the OP, is consistently awful. Are we really to believe that he's somehow going to magically improve during the garden party or, for that matter, that his mother is actually going to start to parent all of a sudden?

Mrsfrisbymouse and polter speak good sense.

This poor mum (and dad!) will be exhausted. She won't have a blind spot where her son is concerned. She will have run out of ideas, she will feel excluded and clueless about what to do. No rubbish parenting creates a child like this. This is just the way he is. If she was a rubbish parent why is her dd ok?

The kindest thing to do is what mrsfrisbymouse says above. This is just one party. We are talking about a little boy here.

I really like the idea of a treasure-hunt game or challenge as well. It would keep kids entertained and some of parents might be happy to help out with it and keep an eye on things.

So she does attempt to control his behaviour but it doesn't have much effect? Then you might well be able to open up communication with her about that. That's more hopeful than if she wasn't reacting at all.

I think you'd be very kind and thoughtful to have a dry run of the BBQ to try to resolve this. I don't think I'd be prepared to go that far myself but I applaud you for considering it.