To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

I cant win can I?

No OP you can't because being overweight is sacrosanct on MN and you are not allowed to make any kind of negative comment on it.

However, you did lose any sort of moral high ground when you retaliated in kind.

To be fair op, think bath was judging you on what you wrote in your posts and not your size... She can't see what size you are! To be fair. Just saying.

MarwoodsMate read the OP i laughed it off and tried to have a good night away from the little monsters DDs then she started speaking about me as a mother. Should I have ignored her instead of telling her to not blame motherhood on weight but what you put in your mouth (in her circumstances she is healthy) and to not speak about me as a mother because I like a jog and watch what i eat?

why are you obsessed with the notion of that because i am slim (ish) i automatically judge people who are not!??!??!

It's not because you fancy yourself "slim" that I think you judge those who are not.

It's because you keep making really nasty and judgemental comments about fat women and how they are greedy and lazy and just need to "own" that.

I'm fascinated by the 'about 87 kg'.

I've never tended to estimate in multiple digits.

She can't see what size you are! To be fair. Just saying.

Apart from making an assumption based on the height and weight given in the OP. To be fair. Just saying.

bathtime sounds like you have a real chip. The 'friend' made awful judgemental comments. Yes OP should not have made any comment about her eating habits but there was strong provocation as her parenting was criticised.

OP I would stay away from this woman in future it really doesn't sound like she likes you.

I think you come across as smug and show-offy - good for you, have a medal and praise for excercising, eating healthily and losing weight - that's obviously what you are after

hobnobsaremyfave um....no. Clean/ healthy whatever you want to call it. I literally just jog and eat well why does that strike such a bloody nerve with some of these posters

OP was lashing out because her shitty friend was constantly getting digs in about the fact that she dared eat a salad rather than "enjoy herself" or "be a real mother"

I totally see where you're coming from Op

Neither of you seem to be able to see beyond yourselves and offer genuine support to each other on this issue. You're not friends, I can't see what either of you would lose in letting this relationship die.

She did start it and her comments were hurtful, but it doesn't take a fecking psychoanalyst to see that her comments were rooted in her own deep insecurities. Your response was rude and horribly judgemental.

You're not doing anything positive for each other. Just kill it.

You do sound a bit competitive and judgemental TBH, I am not convinced you have given the full account, of what led up to the argument. I guess you said some stuff to make her say the things to justify why she was not actively losing weight.

Frankly you do sound a bit obsessed with weight and height details. Are you in the UK, do people use the word Mom here now? Cannot be US as you are using Kg. Odd.

I agree with Soupdragon.

She was a nasty bitch and you eventually snapped, not your finest hour but understandable due to the provacation you'd endured all evening. Then to start in on your parenting was a real low blow.

I don't think a meal is a good idea for a night out for either of you. There are clearly many issues around food.

I don't think you sound like friends at all.

hobnobs eating clean is not a fad diet. It is just cutting out processed foods and sugar.

loveandsmiles I think this is exactly what I am speaking about in my OP....because I dare admit to being wait for it.....a slim mum of two who jogs... I AUTOMATICALLY AM SMUG AND SHOW OFFY.....when all i want....is to have a night away from the kids....without someone calling me a bad mom because I fancy a jog...and yet I have never ever ever commented on her weight before and she will not shut up since i had DD!!! What is this double standard? This is what I mean when i say I'm sick of this judgmental "real women/ real mom" crap.

She said that stuff because she's jealous. Calm down, don't let her turn you into the judgemental one (which you sound a bit listing her food etc) but I see it's necessary to explain what happened. Congrats on the weight loss. I haven't managed it yet, I sit on the sofa watching corrie with biscuits why? I don't know, I'm not lazy, im tired, I don't have the motivation, I feel lumpy & heavy & stiff! & yes, I'm jealous of those who have got the motivation. It's unkind to have a go at you about it though. Genuinely well done.

Was the restaurant that you went to a chain? Or in the South East of England? I really want to go.

You sound very uptight about food op, maybe your friend picked up on that? I see Mums of all shapes and sizes, I can't really tell you which of my friends eat what kind of food. Your remarks about overweight Mothers really are not very kind.

Life isn't a competition, practice being kind rather than right.

You were both incredibly cruel to one another, so I'm not sure why you are being torn apart by some people without recognising how equally nasty your friend was to you.

You were both BU and like MrsD said, life is too damn short to socialise with people you clearly dislike. Find new friends and be happy.

P.S. macaroni cheese is my absolute favourite and now I'm craving it, so damn you!

I suspect neither of you likes the other, so perhaps it's time to give up on the friendship. Real friends don't speak to each other this way.

SilverBirch2015 Maybe I should have given more informaton in the OP

I have never ever ever made comments about her weight and if you read the OP when i responded to her I clearly said

we all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive

What would have been your response to someone calling you a bad mom because you jog? And that you are more interested in being skinny than raising your kids? Hmmm?

Maybe your friend is insecure, maybe she's jealous that you've got your life organised and she hasn't, maybe she's not organised enough to do anything except snack at home, maybe she gets less help at home than you do, maybe she feels it's a part of your life (exercising at the gym) she can't share any more, maybe she's lost sight of herself since having a second child, maybe her family have expectations that she is a mother 100% and don't see her as a person any more, maybe she's depressed, maybe she has PND.

Some people who are fat have the attitude 'I can't lose weight so I might as well not try', or 'I'll lose it in the future, when I have more time.' (How do you think I know this?)

Maybe your friend would appreciate some encouragement from you, eg take her for a walk / run with you.

Maybe you need to grow a thicker skin, and offer her help. Or maybe you have your own issues and can't see past them.

"Weightloss journey" arf.

Who gives a shit what anyone weighs? You talk about losing weight as though it's some great personal triumph. Don't you have bigger dreams for yourself than going on a 'journey' to being thin and having fights with your friends about it? As you say, losing weight just means not stuffing your face and getting some exercise. It's actually not much to be proud of, yet you seem to think you're achieving something. Perhaps you need more hobbies, a better job or something?