To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

Does she know your mum's history, and why you see taking care of yourself as an important aspect of being a mum?

Do you know what in her background drives her to be so defeatist about it? Or in her current situation? Most of us just think these things about others habits and the thoughts just flow past and go unsaid, I wonder why she crossed that line.

Are you open to being friends with her, if this incident can be put behind you?

Thing is OP, you are going to have many years of people commenting on our parenting. Many, many.

If you react to them all like this; swearing in a restaurant, falling out with mates, spending hours and hours arguing with strangers on the internet, you are going to have a miserable time of it.

You have to learn to rise above it. You can't react so intensely.

She was out of order, rising above it and not biting perhaps would have been the winning response but I would have done it your way.

You sound like a great mum, achieving an enviable balance, she will be jealous, no doubt about it. Double standards with weight pee me right off.

Sounds crappy with your mum and its good that you learned from it and trying to be the best you can be. Good for you.

I really want mac and cheese now though.

To be fair OP cracked after a series of really nasty comments. And so would many of us.

I read the title and was prepared to say YABU but, in these circumstances, I don't think Y were BU at all.

Oh I know so many like your friend, they are failing at keeping their weight under control and its defence and trying to make other people fail.

Just try to ignore her, she is jealous and unhappy in her own skin.

She overstepped the mark quite a few times and was very provocative, getting her half penneth in, so I'm not surprised you snapped and gave her a piece of your mind. You were only honest though.

She was being rude with the nasty comments, but your ranting in response was crappy too. And you clearly do judge her ("mommy martyrs").

I think when you are really good friends with someone, it's possible occasionally to be very honest with them to the point of bluntness. Good friends will also then talk things through and come out the other end stronger.

I'd text her 'sorry if I upset you the other night, I just felt you were having a go at me and I reacted. I do think a lot of you though and I want us get on'

Ok, it's clear from your recent post about your mum and childhood that this is the reason you have been so embroiled in thread that at one point it didn't seem real to me. (For that I apologise). I still think you have been intense and defensive but now there is a reason for it.

The way your mum used you all as an excuse for her own inactivity (lethargy, depression even?) is very sad and clearly has had a long-lasting effect. I don't blame you at all for wanting to make the best of yourself.

I think your friend has stirred up some very uncomfortable feelings in you - on the one hand she implies that you're neglecting your kids by going on runs and therefore not there 100% of the time and on the other you remember your own mum being THERE all the time but clearly not happy with it. And as a result neither were you children. I bet you would have loved her to be happier and more "herself" by doing things for herself, if it meant that you all were happier too.

It sounds like your friend has "become" your mum and you find this difficukt to deal with. Your friend doesn't sound particularly happy with herself if she's making unnecessary digs at you, I'm betting her self-esteem is really low.

Could you not bring yourself to have a long discussion with your friend about your mum and what a burden you all felt, and that you're scared of putting that feeling onto your own kids and that this is your way of trying to avoid that? You may find she becomes sympathetic and opens up about her lack of self-esteem and you can support each other in how you both feel.

You'd have to be careful, of course, to word it in such a way that you don't imply that HER inactivity will be making HER kids feel a burden. And remember, just because she may not feel good about herself, it doesn't mean to say that she is making the same comments to her own kids as your mum did to you.

Sounds like you both have issues to work out, and you took it out on each other instead of having a heart to heart.

op it sounds like you both pushed, each others' buttons perhaps inadvertently. If you value her friendship then have a break from one another until you have worked through some of the issues that have been raised. You need to be able to be honest with friends otherwise what's the point?

Lot of very good advice on this thread and I must admit that it's made me evaluate some of the ways that I behave sometimes. It helps so much to see many individual opinions and experiences but anonymously which of course is what makes it all so much more honest in a way that we often can't be in rl

TheShouldersOfGiants the funny hilarious thing is that I try every week to have a coffee/playdate etc with other moms.
Two weeks ago she came over and I made a dirty chicken burger and sweet potato chips. the sweet potato chips were made with the amazing air fryer and the dirty chicken burger the same. Its a fried chicken fillet with pickled onions. lettuce, cheddar and garlic mayo. I serve it in between a brioche bun. Its divine as a treat. She's seen me indulge she's seen me have the odd magnum I'm not a nutter I just try my best and run an extra half hour

ladygaga1980 I agree - but if her being honest means that she thinks Im a bad parent then we cant be friends can we

You don't have to be defensive about your food choices, which are none of her business. Her comments about parenting were very likely connected to her insecurities and defensiveness about her situation and approach.

You seem very focused on her views of your parenting, as you perceive them, yet you clearly see her as a less than ideal woman and parent, eg comparing her to your mum, emphasising in contrast the efforts you are making with exercise and eating.

These differences need not end a friendship if people respect each other and refrain from interfering and making negative comments.

Yanbu, OP.

Good luck with the rest of your weight loss journey.

If the situation happened as reported, she pretty obviously wouldn't have bitten had there not been so many insulting, snide comments. Why are we so shocked that someone would snap and say something equally out of order back??

I love how many posters are basically saying that you are boring because you had a salad, or this somehow means that you had "issues" around food, and your friend is some kind of hero for ordering fried cheese and whatever else.

What the fuck? It's just food!

Personally I think your friend was being a total class A bitch. I don't blame you for snapping at her, but I think you lost the high ground as soon as you brought up her weight.

There's nothing wrong with making an active effort to lose weight after having a baby. It doesn't make you a vapid self obsessed barbie doll. And frankly, I think that it is an achievement (contrary to a PP who said you maybe needed to get a hobby....last time I checked...running or jogging IS a hobby?). Losing weight is hard!

Likewise there's nothing wrong with not worrying about your weight (unless you are morbidly obese with diabetes coming on type situation), and enjoying having a new baby in your life.

What IS wrong is to try and justify your choice through belittling another persons.

You weren't wrong to call her out, but I think you did it in the wrong way.

In all honesty, I don't think you two are particularly well suited as friends. Not unless you can both laugh this situation off as crazy hormones and sleep deprivation and bot - yes, you as well - both apologise to each other.

OP, aside at all from matters of weight and body image, you seem to feel terribly defensive about your parenting, as if no one is ever allowed to express reservations or criticism of how you rear your children. As Worra said up the thread, this just isn't the case.

Parenting isn't some kind of protected characteristic. Having children is one of the most public things you can do, and frequently appears to be the equivalent of wearing one of those signs you see on lorries: Is this truck being driven well? Phone 01234 777777!'

Of course you are your friends and family will have different opinions about central tenets of parenting. You may think these should never, under any circumstances, be expressed, but your friend clearly doesn't agree (like many!) yes, it's annoying and intrusive to have your decisions questioned, but it's hardly unusual...

Good post seagrass

I agree goodness. Posters telling OP she's boring because of what food she ordered possibly might have food issues themselves because half a chicken plus macaroni cheese meal plus chips is definitely eating for two. Chips, chicken, veg/salad yes but macaroni is an odd addition.

I shut up an annoying friend like this by posting bikini pics on Facebook

OP, I think YANBU.
Your friend kept going on and on about your weight (loss), even making snide remarks aboutnyour parenting. Why should you let her keep insulting you? It would have been perfect, if you could have responded cooly and without swearing, but I'm not sure that many would be able to behave perfectly when faced with such horrible behaviour.

I don't understand the posters who say that the OP was wrong to mention her friend's weight. It was the friend who brought up the weight issue in the first place. Why should it be ok for the friend to be horrible about OP's weight, while the OP isn't allowed to respond by making references to the friend's weight? That's double standard.

I understand that the OP isn't so keen on the friendship anymore. We all have our insecurities, but the grown-up thing is to recognise that they are our own issues and to not take it out on others. That friend is an awfully insecure person who tries to make herself feel better by putting others down. She cannot let others be, but has to validate her own way of dong things, her parenting, her weigh, her lack of exercise etc. by condemning everyone who doesn't do things exactly like herself.

There are people who want to drag people down to their own level and resent anyone who (in their minds) are 'doing better'. I call them toxic.

Yes, she sounds miserable. Yes, she probably has some issues and might need some sympathy and support, and a good friend should be there for her. BUT, if she nastily lashes out to the OP, the OP is very well within her righst to say:"No, I'm not putting up with it." Friendship doesn't mean being a punching bag. Just because you have issues, it doesn't mean that everyone around you has to stop and act as your therapist. Just because you are gong through a hard ime doesn't mean that your bad behaviour will be excused unconditionally ot limitlessly. If you behave like a bitch, people will distance themselves from you. That friend might have to learn this lesson the hard way, it seems.

OP, if you like her enough and think that she might be open to a reasoned discussion for you to save the friendship, perhaps you could arrange to meet for coffee to talk things through. Text messages are not helpful to clear sitations like this.

Op I doubt she would be as harsh as that surely you just have some different views. And you both sound like good parents so I don't think that is the issue really. It's more about accepting differences in approaches no? It's hard to be objective about parenting etc though. But mumsnet is a great place to work through things, thankfully

I feel your friend is jealous of your motivation and clear head and you are over defensive of your reputation as a Mother.