To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

YANBU good on you to take time to yourself. And looking after yourself does not make you a bad mother!

YANBU. You are a woman, not a Saint, and if some fuckwit was harping on motherhood and giving lessons like that I would have snapped too. I hate the "give the other cheek" thing that MN has going on. She was rude, and preachy, and you shut her up, maybe not in the most classy way, but in an effective way.

Good luck on the rest of your effort, keep your motivation, take care of yourself!!

I dislike the phrase 'full time mum'. I generally dislike how women are judged as mothers rather than individuals in a way that men aren't.

I think we're our own worst enemies sometimes. It all seems to get so competitive and nasty.

Ofa I completely agree with you. I often think taking the 'moral high ground' just lets people get away with treating you like shit.

I like to think I am a nice, calm, even tempered person most of the time, but if someone gives it out to me then they're going to get it back.

Maybe we need a 'This is my body' campaign, to match the 'This is my child' one....

This is my body, this is how it looks/works. If I'm happy with it (within the bounds of health), then you should be too. And if you're NOT happy with it (or indeed, not happy with your own), then that is your problem. Don't push your issues onto me.

As an aside, op, I went back to work after 2 years when DS2 was just under a year. It was the best thing for our family at the time; I'm getting tired of it now (2 years later) but that's another matter!

I think I'm so emotional about it because when I was little my mom had 4 kids all two years apart one after the other.
She was a mess.
A complete mess.

She was overweight and always on a random diet which she never ever ever ever stuck to.

She would speak to us about her problems like we were her friends and would burden us because she had no friends (mainly due to stay at home not doing anything mommy martyrdom)

She would be so tired she'd fall asleep and let us run wild, sometimes she'd just shut down and watch TV ignoring us unless we were to be fed clothed or bathed which was a task on it's own.

I feel like she was a good mother but she let herself go for absolutely no reason. It became like poisen.

She'd blame us for why her hair wasnt done and why she "looked like a tramp"
"I don't wear nice clothes anymore because i dedicate all my money and time to you kids"
"I'm fat because I've had four kids"
"I don't go anywhere because of you four kids"

I grew up feeling like a burden so I do whatever I can to make me the best me so I can be the best mom

If it means childcare so be it
if it means the gym so be it
If it means a weekend away every know and again so be it.

What ever makes you the best mom is best for your family I say.

You sound like a fantastic mum. You KNOW you are...so don't worry too much about your friend's comments. They come from a place of self loathing it seems, and envy of you.

ConfusedInBath

What was overboard specifically? Out of genuine interest

She did eat it all and it looked damn good too I made the cheese balls on sunday.

Obviously your friends behaviour struck some very painful chords re your Mum.
You and your friend should avoid each other. She's over-invested in not looking after herself in a misplaced belief that that means she's putting her children first (with the convenient perk of being able to eat too much) and you're working through some painful stuff about your own childhood.

You overreacted to her goading, but She was goading to make herself feel better about not doing what she knows she ought to be doing for herself.

if she doesnt want to diet, that is fine. But Not Dieting is eating the number of calories meant to maintain your current weight. Her meal was well beyond eating a normal amount of calories and carrying on with her current level of overweight until she has enough time to deal with it. No one should eat that much food at a single sitting unless they actually intend to gain weight. She knew she was making things worse for herself, and hated herself for it and took it out on you.

Too bad you couldnt have held it in and found some way to make discussion of food and bodysize off limits.

Mom, surely all of us eat more calories than we should in a single sitting at some point? When i go for a meal i usually have three courses plus a couple of drinks. Once in a while is fine. I'm sure the friend doesn't eat like that every day!

Seriouslyffs This tread has been a learning curve for me
Friendships arent about censorship but moreso about no judgement
I seriously wouldnt have minded (although I would have raised an eyebrow) if she had sat me down and she said "It's good you enjoy a run but don't you feel the pressure to get rid of the baby weight is too intense?" or just something where we could have an honest adult conversation with

Momagain1 Too bad she couldn't keep her mouth shut RE my children and me as a parent. Everything seems to be up for discussion other than weight it seems. Interesting.

ConfusedInBath Okay. Was i unprovoked?

OP I don't think you over reacted. I really think you get judged on MN very harshly for having some perfectly normal human emotion like anger. No one is perfect. Everyone loses their temper.

And tbh in light of what your friend said to you I think you were actually very restrained.

Duck: Maybe. Maybe not. If her friend was indulging because she usually eats properly, I doubt she would have had a go at OP. She might have said something about 'you enjoy that if you can, I am indulging tonight!" But she couldnt say that, because that isnt what she was doing.

i know plenty of people, including me, who like to think we eat well, but find a reason almost daily to indulge 'just this once'. We continually allow ourselves to 'forget' eating out on Saturday, and on Sunday go out for an ice cream with the kids and day already not planned to make up for yesterday's indulgence. Monday it's coffee and a pastry too with some other mums at the school gate. tuesday it's having chips too when you find you need to eat lunch on the run from a shop.

Everytime you tell yourself it is a rare thing. And every time you know it isnt, and the rest of your food that day wasnt attentively chosen either. And then you eat with a friend who is doing what you ought, and you feel judged. and in OPs case, when her friend found herself feeling judged, instead of admitting it was in her own head, she lashed out. And OP responded in kind.

OP, my 'too bad you couldnt' wasnt meant to imply the mess was your fault for failing to turn the conversation. Just a general observation that the result of her goading and your reaction is too bad (meaning sad, I may be having american to british translation problems here).

Momagain1 I feel really bad about it now but she does genuinely believe I'm a bad mom

Are you sure forever? I bet she doesn't was just feeling like she needed to justify her eating with silly excuses and digs.You said in a previous post you loved her. It would be a shame to loose a good pal over this. I have had some real Barneys with my girlfriends at times but with a bit of honesty and compassion for each other we have resolved it and now even laugh at it.

I would put money on that not being the case, Forever. Why would she choose to be friends with a bad mum if it's such an important concept to her?

I don't think she thinks that of you either OP. You are doing what she knows she should be doing so lashed out at you.

I'm utterly useless with money and have heard myself making digs at a friend who is brilliant with money, when I read threads like this I cringe because I know I'm doing the same as your friend did although nothing like to that degree.

We can love a friend dearly but still be envious of them and hate ourselves for the way it makes us react, I bet your friend is feeling like that.

I wouldn't be so quick to discard the friendship tbh.

Most people know the truth about themselves deep down. I think you hit a nerve because instead of continuing to argue she stopped talking. I think the poster who commented on taking the moral high ground often allows people to take advantage has a valid point. yes I think you know it wasn't the greatest way to handle it but if you hadn't reacted like that would she have stopped. Possibly not. You are a friend not a target so losing that friendship for now is most likely not a bad thing. Goading usually has one predictable result which is why AIBU seems to thrive. Busy page on mumsnet. It's only the t'internet.

Hi guys thanks for getting back to me. I just feel like when it comes to parenting you don't say things you do not mean. She could have kept it to "she's going to vote for the skinniest MP" and I wouldn't have cared. To be honest I think it is easier to assume that because we are friends she thinks I am an amazing person. Quite frankly perhaps since we have had kids our priorities have changed, our experiences of motherhood are different and she may well question me as a mother. Some people are every petty like that. I've had a conversation with a few other mom's in the playground waiting for my godchildren to come and listened to a lady tell us we are feeding our children flesh and poisening them. I promise you she meant it with every fibre of her being and said we should be ashamed.ill attach some photos she sends around via email