To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

"Wow that sounded like the most boring night out ever. I wish more dinner conversation was about exercise routines and weight loss - said no-one ever."

Yup!

It sounds like a miserable evening and the two of you don't really sound like friends, you sound like you are in some kind of desperate competition with each other. Probably best to put this friendship on the back burner for a while.

It doesn't sound like you have a very mutually supportive friendship

You both made bitchy & judgemental comments so both BU

I can understand why her comments pissed you off but retaliating with some venom wasn't your finest moment

Maybe I am jaded, but I just thought the friend's meal sounds delicious and much more of a treat than your chicken salad.

Sounds like you are incompatible.

I find going out for dinner with people on diets very boring, fwiw

You weren't BU to be upset OP; I think I would too. I have bit my tongue when ignorant people make comments, but if it was all the time I might explode like you did.

Your friend was being unreasonable first but then you were just as unreasonable back and its pretty clear that you absolutely DO judge her

I'd say you canceled each other out in the unreasonable stakes tbh. If she's a good friend than just agree not to mention weight loss stuff (its boring anyway) when your together. If the friendship is not important just move on.

For what its worth none of you sound particularly awful. Your friend sounds rather insecure and you (quite rightly) felt attacked and got defensive.

FlabbyMummy I'm not uptight about food I just wanted a salad.
I really loved her and we were close and again not sure you read the OP but I was happy to laugh at the skinny jabs until she mentioned my parenting.....At the end of the day we are friends and I feel like with that comes the right to be honest. So if you think I'm a bad mom for going for a jog fine. Fine fine fine. But you are having a laugh if you think you are going to loose weight with a biscuit in your mouth thats all.

Again bear in mind i dont give a flying fuck if she wanted to loose weight or not.....just dont blame your lack of weight loss on your kids then go a step further and talk about my kids.

is this restaurant in the South East? I just used Google to work out that I am 72kgs, I am 5ft9 I might have the Mac & Cheese.

Anyone else fancy it? Mumsnet dinner club?

OP I get your point.

I'm 35weeks pg with number 2 and have already discussed with DH the logistics of how I'll get back to my old gym routine.

Mummy Martyr is a great expression and also applies to those who post on facebook about dirty floors and happy kids...

Why are you posting in AIBU if you won't accept you may have been unreasonable? Was she bu? Yes, but so were you. You owe each other an apology or discontinue the friendship.
And you lose weight, not loose it.

Alright soup, no need to take the piss out of my wording! Mean.

BabyGanoush Yes it smelt amazing and so did my chicken salad. If i was in the mood I would have had the mac and cheese but I simpy wasnt. Why cant i be fun with my salad?

I don't think you are being judged for being 'a slim mom who jogs' (though that's close to the most tragic self-description I've come across). You are being judged because you gave a repellently smug and appalled list of every single thing your 'friend' put into her mouth during this fun meal, and sneered at her soaps-and-biscuits habit, while noting both your exact weights and heights. We were clearly supposed to join you in eye-rolling.

She didn't behave well, either, but she's not on here asking whether she was unreasonable and refusing to accept she may have been.

PurpleSwift Whats with the weird MN spellchecking. I know its lose its called a typing error?!?! Do we really need to check other peoples spelling to validate how clever we are? Christ.

Wow - I don't think she will want to be friends with you after that diatribe.

IMO nothing worse than going out for an 'escape the DCs' meal with a friend, anticipating a night away from stress and end up sitting across from someone who's a healthy weight but thinks they're fat and orders a salad.

That would be my night ruined right there.

And the 'bad mom for going for a jog' is a total straw man argument. Your 'friend' may think this, but I've seen no evidence anyone on here does.

MaudGonneAway Smug? LOL
If i just said "she ordered a lot" you would have jumped down my throat asking "what is a lot" or "that's very subjective"
I mentioned what we got because it was relevant to the story in that she ordered her food, wasn't judged and didn't receive any comments, but felt the need to make comments to me that's all FFS.

It could be that she's jealous that you have a relationship that allows you to go out for a jog. Maybe in her house her dp wouldn't do that for her and that is what is really giving her the hump.

She was being rude and unreasonable and it obviously got to you, but you gave her some ammo when you told her what's what with the biscuits and maccy cheese.

I think if you could go back again, you might bite your tongue and mayber ask her why she can't get out for a jog. Does her husband not support her? etc etc. and turn it back on her that way.

I can see why she pissed you off tho, because you sound like a hard worker and it can't be easy fitting all that in with toddlers. Maybe you expected her to look up to you a bit, but she is in fact seeing it in a totally different way and that shocked you. She's probably thinking about the fact that you spend time away from the children doing your own thing and in her head it's longer than half an hour and it's something she isn't able to do as her husband might not be as supportive. That's the crux of the row, I think. Not the food or weightloss aspect.

MaudGonneAway I get comments all the time at work in the supermarket from DH's work colleagues wives when we go to events

How do you know her exact height and weight?

Apart from making an assumption based on the height and weight given in the OP. To be fair. Just saying.

I didn't bother to work that out.

I knew from the rest of the OP that it meant "me: skinny, her: fat bitch".

I love how all the Skinny Rights Activists come onto these threads moaning about how tough life is when you fit society's model of what an acceptable female body should look like.

And how being called skinny is just as hurtful as being called fat.

Come the fuck on. Anyone who has been truly waif-like knows exactly how much it hurts to know that other people wish they were as skinny as you.

Hint: it doesn't hurt at all.

No amount of mommy martyrdom is as righteous as being slim feels.

It sounds like she is jealous of you. I was a single Mum with a dd 2 and a ds 6 months. I just ate healthy, it didn't take away any time from them. And when I could I got on the exercise bike, or did a dvd in the lounge room. Good on you for being healthy I know I always felt better when I was eating and exercising. I think the world has forgotten that it's normal to eat healthy normal portions and be active. Try not to let her upset you, you are looking after your health so you can be a better mummy. ??

OP I suggest you and your friend contact the Jeremy Kyle show immediately to sort this out.

Ps You are not friends. You don't like each other. You are judging her. She is a mummy martyr. You both sound horrible.

popalot I dont want her to look up to me and didnt mind the skinny jabs until she made comments about me as a mother which no one would appreciate. I do not know if you read the OP but it's only then and then only when i responded. She was making jabs all night for no reason unprovoked. I love food I'm not that rude killjoy at a dinner and just mind my own business RE what others want to order. She ordered quite a lot I didnt say ahem are you sure you wanna eat that? Thats horrid and quite frankly boring so why is she so effing obsessed with my salad? And why did my kids have to come into it?