To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

It doesn't sound as if this is a genuine friendship so I think I would walk away

I struggled to lose the baby weight and my skinny friend didn't berate me, she helped. She dragged me out for walks with her and when I started to feel a bit better about myself I got more motivated. She sounds as if she is pretty miserable, that is one hell of an amount of food to order

However that doesn't justify her comments to you

YANBU but it all sounds a bit unpleasant. I don't think you worded your OP that well. If I were you I would hide the thread as I would bet it's going downhill fast. Once the grammar police are out you know your doomed.

It's always rude to comment on other peoples weight.

If you are usually good friends then maybe it was the drink talking- it's still not ok though.

Anyway, my advice is to hide the thread, change your NN and move on.

Unless you are bored and fancy a bunfight with lots of MN'ers trying to outdo each other in their outrage.

I'd love to know if our own mothers were so weight-obsessed after pregnancy. I blame the media; read celeb mags and they are all about women getting back their figure after pregnancy. Like most women it seems, you are both caught up in this time scale/weight loss hysteria. She sounds a bit down to me and other people's lives seem perfect when you are not feeling great, she probably thought you'd ordered a salad to make her order look bad! Remember other people don't always manage their lives as well as you do and need gentle assistance, not telling off!

Unfortunately, it sounds like she started out being a bitch, and then you lost the moral high ground by being a bitch back about her weight. You'd have done better saying 'why have you been making remarks about my parenting all night? It's not called for so stop it right now'. Hindsight is all very well though.

Do you actually want to stay friends, or has that run its course?

And she repeatedly said the OP was a bad mother because she was losing weight.

She didn't actually.

She made some comments to justify her own lack of weightloss that a person who was determined to have a row would interpret that way.

It's like when WOHMs get the arse because a SAHM says "I just want to spend time with my children" and are all "oh, and I don't??"

You can't really make the "happy in our own skin" argument and then get the massive arse because of the reasons someone else gives for their choices.

For whatever reason this woman doesn't feel able to lose weight at the moment, despite knowing she is overweight.

You really have to be a complete bitch to make her justification for that all about you and use it as a stick to beat her with.

I think you were right to challenge her comments. What you said was only in retaliation.

Some on here would say be the bigger person (no pun intended) but sometimes I guess it's right to stand up for yourself.

Did you make any sarcy comments to her though about her food choices and diet prior to her making comments?

needaholidaynow Thanks....that's how i feel...We can do both and obviously everyones parenting experience is different but my friend goes on and on and on like a mummy martyr like she cant just atleast eat clean. All I'm saying is if you want to loose weight and arent motivated thats fine thats human thats real life....but don't be mean to me because I am motivated. That's why i did have a dig back....don't blame your lack of weight loss on the DCs blame it on the bloody biscuits just own it and say you will loose it when you are bloody ready and eat your biscuit with pride

OP, I think you were both being unreasonable but your friend was more so. She started it, seemingly by being determined to compare you to her when she's clearly not happy about her own weight, and she's prepared to throw in digs at your parenting in a desperate attempt to make herself feel better.

Sure, it would have been better if you hadn't retaliated in kind, but you snapped under provocation. I'd probably have done the same tbh.

I'm a bit at the claims that there is a hierarchy of badness for the different ways of passing comment on other people's weight, lifestyles and parenting. It's all a bit shit really, isn't it.

Ofgs. Why are you friends?

Maybe you should just calm down and be grateful you have each other, because not many people would put up with these comments or judgements (from either of you).

Fwiw she does sound like a bit of a mummy martyr but you sound massively judgemental. Why the fuck were you noting down what she ordered? Weird. As bath says, if I was your friend and heard you make nasty comments like you did, I don't think I'd bother with you anymore.

Quitelikely No never ever ever because I have friends who are single moms I have friends that are broke I have friends who have health issues and know it's hard to get the weight off as i said in my OP...That's why I'm hurt by her parenting jabs and was happy to laugh off the initial comments but when she said I frolic in the gym and don't take care of DDs I kind of snapped....Don't bring kids into it i say.

Oh God yanbu, sounds like she was pushing you and trying to belittle you due to her own insecurities. No real friend would do that, I would have lashed out too and don't think you were wrong too, what were you meant to do? Sit there and take it to make her feel better about herself at your expense.

She shouldn't have equated your attempts at fitness and healthy eating with bad parenting- it's a low blow to criticise your parenting and any fool can see it won't be received well. I think she deserved the home truths, she should be able to take it if she can dish it out.

You're not friends. You clearly hate each other.

MarwoodsMate I remember because we are friends and were picking things off the menu together....I encouraged her to eat WTF she wanted but when I stuck to my guns and got my salad it all kicked off. Why can she comment on my parenting but I cant say anything to her? What is this double standard that I was speaking about in my OP. Why am i allowed to be a target because I jog but she is some sort of martyr who shouldnt speak to me despite calling me a bad mom

So how did the evening end?

Are you going to contact her or wait for her?

msgrinch Did you read the OP? I laughed off her comments until the parenting jabs how do i hate her for responding to her we are all adults are we not?

MrsDV There was a weight loss journey poster in my gym, with a happy lady on a beach in a bikini.

Always made me mentally think it was an add for a Thomas Cook location with guaranteed dysenty. Now that is a weight loss journey.

whatsgoingon maybe you should take 30 minutes to have a look through the 'not being a superior and judgemental bitch book'. Not everyone is blessed with your perfect spelling and grammar.

don't blame your lack of weight loss on the DCs blame it on the bloody biscuits just own it and say you will loose it when you are bloody ready and eat your biscuit with pride

Right, so she's not allowed to be "happy in her own skin", then?

She is not allowed to put her weight down to having a baby 6 months ago and all the ways that changes a person's body, time, energy levels, motivation, hunger, metabolism.

No, she has to "own" the fact that she is greedy and lazy, or else she is somehow getting at you.

Can you only feel good about your "weightloss journey" if it shows you up as less greedy and lazy than other women?

I'm with you OP. She's jealous of you because you are determined to lose weight and are succeeding where she clearly isn't.

I would notice if someone ate that much in one meal, extraordinary amount esp if you were trying to lose weight.

Op, I actually think you were as bad as each other. Her comments were uncalled for, and your retaliation was nasty and I think you went too far (so did she). Do you disagree? She isn't the one posting, but if you are lurking on MN OP's friend, you were equally unkind.

PuntasticUsername Thank you....I agree with the weird hierarchy also. Apparently i should sit on my arse and let someone call me a bad mom because I jog.

And she repeatedly said the OP was a bad mother because she was losing weight.

She didn't actually.

She made some comments to justify her own lack of weightloss that a person who was determined to have a row would interpret that way.

Don't be ridiculous. They weren't comments to justify her weightloss, they were deliberately worded to make out that people who manage to find time to exercise are bad parents. Bear in mind these were all directed at the OP and were clearly about her.

"I find it really hard to fit exercise into my day" = not rude and judgemental
compared to what she actually said:
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of" = being an evil bitch.

"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom" ie you aren't a good mum.

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny" ie you aren't focussed on your children.

The friends remarks were inexcusable and apparently said without cause. The OPs comments were also inexcusable but I'm guessing she snapped after the friend's rudeness about her parenting.

It is not OK to be rude about someone's weightloss n the same way as it is not OK to be rude about someone's lack of weight loss. Neither is worse than the other. Other than in MN Land.

You both sound like two people that for some reason needed to snap/vent and chose to do this, not to each other, but at each other.

If you value the friendship I'd admit to them that things got unnecessarily heated and apologise for that and try to move on. You're not BU for being angry at her digs at you but you don't own the moral high ground because you snapped back in an equally personal way which in turn was BU.

If you're good friends then you'll move on from it and realise that you're two women struggling with the same issues here and that judging each other for your failures is far from the best way to support each other!!!