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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

550 replies

ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 09:44

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

  • I know having a baby is hard
  • I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases
-I know loosing wieght in general is hard
  • I know women should not judge other women
  • I think all ladies could go at their own pace
  • I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 09:57

She did order an awful lot of food , only my opinion of course Wink

Turquoiseblue · 12/04/2015 09:57

You were harsh and unkind and sensitive to her comments. Sounds like you re competitive and comparative parenting between each other. Neither of you should abbé to justify your choices - lifestyle parenting or diet. But you both sounds snippy and jealous of each other. I d say give each other some space. You were both a bit unreasonable.

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 09:58

Mrsjayy This is what I mean.....I'm not food obsessed I just like to eat healthy and don't judge others so appreciate the same.

OP posts:
DoJo · 12/04/2015 09:58

Are you really friends? You don't sound like you like each other very much...

BathtimeFunkster · 12/04/2015 09:58

just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

You called her lazy and blamed her for being fat.

Of course you were being a bitch to say that.

She was being a pain in the arse, but I don't believe for a minute you feel remotely bad about going out for a run, so I think you are being disingenuous about all this "real mums are fat" crap you just invented.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 12/04/2015 09:59

Wow that sounded like the most boring night out ever. I wish more dinner conversation was about exercise routines and weight loss - said no-one ever.

Your not friends but frenemies .

timelyreminder · 12/04/2015 10:00
Biscuit
Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 10:00

Turquoiseblue Should I have ignored her comments RE my parenting then....should have i ignored her suggesting I was a bad mom because i don't spend 24/7 joint at the hip with my DDs because for 1/2 an hour I jog? I laughed a lot off before it got to this as i said in the OP. We are friends but since me loosing weight after last DC shes always making digs. If i made a dig about her weight I'd be an evil bitch.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 12/04/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 12/04/2015 10:02

Yeah i think you were both snipy have you spoken to her since i cant see you being friends anymore btw i also think that was a ton of food but if that is what she wanted to eat then its up to her really

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 10:02

BathtimeFunkster I do not feel bad I just do not appreciate her comments and I actually get it all the time. Especially when I went back to work with DD1. SATM's had a field day with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 10:04

zzzzz I'm revolting for laughing off rude comments all night then snapping when she brought my kids into it. I clearly said in the post that everyone has their own journey don't judge mine. I don't comment on her preferring to eat crap don't comment on my kids.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 10:04

I don't get why the Op is getting such a hard time given the friend was being a bitch about the OPs weight loss and in fact started with the nastiness.

Is it because in MN Land it's OK to be rude to thinner people but it's not OK to be rude to fatter ones?

Don't get me wrong - I don't think the OP should have said what she did but it was only the equivalent of what was said to her first.

NickiFury · 12/04/2015 10:05

YANBU. However her comments are clearly coming from a place of insecurity so I probably wouldn't have responded as you did but I can understand how you're thinking.

eurochick · 12/04/2015 10:05

She sounds like a mummy martyr, claiming to give everything of herself to her kids.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/04/2015 10:05

If i made a dig about her weight I'd be an evil bitch.

It's way worse to make digs about someone being overweight, particularly when you know they are sensitive about it, than to make digs about someone's weightloss (that they are inordinately proud of).

And not only did you make a dig about her weight, you turned it into a dig about her character too.

So yep, evil bitch is pretty close to the mark.

If I'd been out for dinner with you two and heard you say those things to a mutual friend, you wouldn't have just lost one friend that night.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 10:06

You called her lazy and blamed her for being fat.

And she repeatedly said the OP was a bad mother because she was losing weight. Why is that any more acceptable?

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 10:06

Mrsjayy Of course it's up to her...But own it and don't blame it om being a mom thats all. Furthermore don't blame it on being a mom and suggest I'm a bad one for going for a jog every night. I don't care what anyone does and had she not mentioned my kids I wouldnt have laughed her off all night. But it hit a sore spot. Would you really have ignored the parenting comments? Maybe I am being unreasonable then....

OP posts:
capsium · 12/04/2015 10:06

You fought fire with fire, is how I see it.

Thing is, I think she sounds pretty down on herself so was attempting to vindicate her own actions, by criticising you. In this frame of mind, even if you had smiled sweetly and said something sympathetic, she might have seen this as passive aggressive. Sadly women do seem to compare themselves as mothers.

My advice would be if anyone comments on what you are eating is just to say that you like it. I've had comments before when I've ordered salad but the people have actually looked jealous when they have seen the plateful I got. Grin

Bunbaker · 12/04/2015 10:08

"She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie."

Quite apart from anything else, that is a lot of food, and anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding themselves. I am skinny and couldn't manage all that. I don't think her meal sounds lush at all. I would have had the wine, chicken salad and apple pie. All that stodge your friend had would make me feel ill and give me indigestion.

"I don't get why the Op is getting such a hard time given the friend was being a bitch about the OPs weight loss and in fact started with the nastiness."

I agree SoupDragon

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 10:08

BathtimeFunkster LOL.....so basically because you are insecure about your weight you can throw jabs at my parenting which by the way is what bothered me i laughed everything else off if you can actually be bothered to read the OP (Sorry i know its long)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 10:08

And not only did you make a dig about her weight, you turned it into a dig about her character too.

So yep, evil bitch is pretty close to the mark.

The friend is an evil bitch for making out the OP is a bad mother for managing losing weight.

DoJo · 12/04/2015 10:08

It's way worse to make digs about someone being overweight, particularly when you know they are sensitive about it, than to make digs about someone's weightloss (that they are inordinately proud of).

I'd say that it's worse to make digs about someone's parenting than it is to talk about their weight, and it sounds like it was the friend who started down that road, so I disagree that the OP is an 'evil bitch'.

needaholidaynow · 12/04/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerHouse · 12/04/2015 10:09

I long ago gave up trying to compete or keep up with anyone. I just try to be the best version of me. If I see others lose weight and get fit I am happy for them. If I see others looking a "mess" I identify with them. Never would I try to make anyone feel bad about themselves.