To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

Yeah. Rightly or wrongly, this just strikes me as one of those arguments I couldn't ever imagine two men having. Not sure why women so often seem to feel the need to compete and drag each other down this way.

Both of you sound as if you behaved unpleasantly - and nothing in anything you've said suggests this is a genuine friendship in most generally-recognised meanings of the word.

It sounds as if you should both take a step away from one another, temporarily or permanently. I appreciate she began the altercation, but you are far from blameless, OP, with your smugly appalled, eagle-eyed listing of every single item, including side dishes, that your 'friend' had to eat and drink over the course of this meal, and your even more smugly appalled comment about watching Corrie with a tin of biscuits. Ditto your exact listing of both of your exacts weights and heights - were we supposed to draw in our breaths and say 'Oh, the fat cow, and poor, blameless gymbunny you!'?

Just back off from one another, OP. The relationship isn't working for either of you. It's even possible that she over-orders when eating with you just to watch your ill-concealed horror.

Erm where the hell serves macaroni and cheese and chicken. And who calls themselves "mom".

It seems the OP is living in the US yet watching Corrie...

Sounds like you don't like each other that much.

I would suggest you concentrate on other more positive friendships or make new friends.

BathtimeFunkster I understand what you are saying and said on this thread and the OP that everyone has to do it at their pace in their time etc etc etc

I just do not believe she has the right to judge me as a parent....not to repeat myself but i laughed everything off until she brought up me as a mother. I don't understand ....Should I have ignored her? She shouldn't be eating shit if she wants to loose weight that's a fact sorry and it's not even a big deal if you lack motivation but own it and lets all accept each other and get along.

She could watch what she eats if she truly was ready to loose weight thats a fair statement and a fact/commons sense. I think it's you that has the real issue here ... I think people are so touchy about weight they assume anyone with the balls to speak about it honestly is waving a judgement flag. Not at all.

I'm not being nasty by telling her to leave kids out of it and blame it on the biscuits in response to her comments about my parenting

I'm happy to be told IBU but atleast in response to a post that actually exists

I happen to agree with you op.

There seems to be this acceptance of looking awful just because you've had a baby, even when the baby is school age.

But I have to question why your friends with this women, you sound like you hate each other!

I kind of agree with Bathtime - you come across as smug and v judgy of everything she does/eats

Erm where the hell serves macaroni and cheese and chicken.

I wondered that as well.

Oh and just to add, I wouldn't bother with either of you if I had overheard your conversation. Can't stand it when people who are allegedly friends taking chunks out of each other like that. If you wanted to keep the moral high ground you could have kept quiet. You chose to retaliate - nastily.

I can't think of a single friend of mine who would start on another woman like your friend did, but I know none of my friends would retaliate the way you did either unless they were unwell.

There are all sorts of faux American restaurants in the UK serving that sort of food.

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess.

This is what the OP thinks about other women without provocation, without any need to retaliate for someone being passive aggressive about their weight.

She feels victimised for being so slim and disciplined and despises other mothers for getting fat, depressed, and not looking after their appearance well enough after having babies.

So I guess I don't believe that the passive aggressive justifications came out of nowhere.

I also wonder what form the "encouragement to eat what she wanted" took.

Some women really love a fat friend to look down on.

Seems this fat friend was sufficiently embarrassed about being fat.

erm I've used mom my entire life my parents were educated in the american system it's just a habit I've carried with me from youth

erm....she ordered the mac and cheese as it came (as a meal) and then the half chicken on it's own (the sides all come separately)

I am also wondering why the OP is getting a hard time

Her "friend" took the piss because she wanted to watch what she ate and take time out of the day to look after herself.

Said friend often stated she wanted to lose weight, but does nothing about it.

Rather than admit she lacks the motivation and is a little envious of OP, she calls her parenting skills into question.

OP stood up for herself and gave as good as she got.

This is what the OP thinks about other women without provocation

No, that is what she thinks with provocation.

Actually OP where was this awesome place where I can get Mac cheese, fried cheese balls and chicken in one meal? Because this place sounds like my kind of eatery

BathtimeFunkster Are you God? Ask me how I feel don't assume I'm open to conversation.

For example you assume I look down on my "fat friend" and thus encouraged her to get what she wanted.

I cant win can I?

We were talking about what looked nice she said what she wanted I said sounds great with no judgement no raised eyebrows no comments yet when I order a salad the comments spill in why is that fair and why are you obsessed with the notion of that because i am slim (ish) i automatically judge people who are not!??!??!

IMO, you were both being unreasonable. Friends should be supportive of each other, not judgemental. It's hard enough trying to balance parenting small DCs with other aspects of life without having to worry what others think about you. What a horrible night out.

Some women really love a fat friend to look down on.

And some "fat friends" like a slim friend to look down on.

why are you obsessed with the notion of that because i am slim (ish) i automatically judge people who are not!??!??!

Because you do, OP. You describe non-slim mothers as 'a frumpy depressed mess' and claim that they are too lazy/unmotivated to lose weight. That sounds pretty judgy to me.

softlysoftly

It's also normal to use mom in the Midlands. I grew up saying it.

"eat clean"
Op you really have swallowed all the ridiculous diet messages from the trashy mags.