To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way

I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

Does anyone actually speak like this? It sounds like the op swallowed and then regurgitated a wanky self-help book.

What the fuck is a weight loss journey? A long walk?

ApocalypseThen At pains? It's called explaining to people etc etc.....You really cannot mention being fit on MN without the body police hounding you

ComposHatComesBack No, many people speak like this, your weight can be a very depressing thing to deal with, take care to be less snide in the future x

StaceyAndTracey It really does help , everyone is different i suppose. I mainly watch what I eat. Not everyone does or can lose their baby weight.

CurlyhairedAssassin Cringe.

Aeroflotgirl Thanks for actually acknowledging the actual OP. Peop;e are calling me defensive but I'm shocked at how many people have made up an OP in their mind that does not exist. I ignored her ...i then responded nicely....she then responded with the 24/7 comment...so i snapped :(

I read a really good article online and i can't find about how we all have higher or lower status ibm several areas like looks, intelligence, wealth etc and our conversations are based around everyone knowing this delicate hierarchy. You broke a rule by defending your weight as she sees it as justified to make excuses and digs to someone slim but in doing so she hit your sensitive spot, your parenting so you felt you could break the rule. I wish i could find the article as it explains a lot of conflict!

Just a quick update trying to answer all the things being put to me + updae on friend

• I sent a text saying sorry - but parenting digs are too far so we will not be speaking anymore.

• She responded saying she is sorry but she does feel like she cannot focus on DCs and losing weight (bear in mind she is healthy)

• I said that's fine take care (i couldnt be bothered to redebate that mad concept)

Just for conversations sake

• thanks to the posters who are happy to have a real conversation...even the ones who don't agree with me....I appreciate all comments

• Thanks to the posters who have noticed the melodramatic flaming and mommy martyrdom

• Thanks to the posters who have shared their incredible stories

On the other hand ......

People have put a lot of questions to me so i hope this answers them

• There is a horrid double standard on AIBU whereby people feel as though they have a license to say nasty uncalled things to the poster under the guise of "You posted under AIBU thus we can flame and troll "

• There is also this weird "too cool for school" notion if that you reply to a post...you need to take a seat or you are too heated or you need to step away from the laptop. Newsflash : It's called a conversation with someone other than a 2 year old

• So for the people saying I'm being overly defensive etc, actually have a look at the thread and the horrid things people are saying to me. I've had to report several comments RE my children being anorexic and bulimic etc because I fancy a jog and like to eat healthily.

• If you read the OP i was trying to have a nice night, but was constantly harangued. My first response to her was a standard mature one, then she bloody didnt stop! I am perfectly happy to be told IABU but atleast in the context of a post that actually bloody exists

• Some of you have made up that I started the argument, That im obsessed with food because i can remember what she ordered and what she weighs even though she tells me every 5 minutes via text and that I'm not slim because i weigh 70kg even though everyones body is different.

• some of you dont believe the post.....fair enough....I don't believe the effing post too! Neither dis DH when I told him when I got home

• For those saying we both sound horrid - thats fine. I felt horrid for engaging afterwards

• For those saying I went to far....this is a double standard or no?. Most of what i said to her was about my feelings (God forbid you actually read the OP) and what I directly said to her did not cross any lines.....or did it really? Is weight like Voldemort still in 2015?. I didnt mention her parenting or her weight actually - I said If you want to loose weight do not blame the DCs blame the biscuits ..... Now I never knew friends couldnt be honest....and I never knew outlining the basic biology of weight loss to someone blaming mothering on not losing weight was a scummy thing to do....But i suppose anyone bigger than me is untouchable. Standard double standard.

• I'm not obsessed with food ... this is a post and thread about food so guess what....I'm going to talk about food

According to your OP you didn't just say don't blame the dc blame the biscuits. You claim you said:

It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

and

We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

You keep telling people to re read your OP which I did and have (I spent over an hour reading every post last night) but you seem to be minimising what you claim you said and dripping more and more horrible stuff into what your friend apparently said.

If this is true and accurate, you are both better off out of the friendship - not that is sounds like much of a friendship in the first place.

YWBU to say the things you claim you have said, needled or not. Be the better person and walk away in future - far more satisfying that stooping way below the other person's level.

YW also massively judgy, despite the first line in that first paragraph.

Ok op, I was mostly on your side until I read your update. I think you did the right thing to text her and say sorry, but I also think she deserves a little credit for apologising too. Maybe you don't need to cut her out completely, as it can be a big thing for a weight-conscious person to admit they're struggling with it. She sounds at least slightly remorseful so I'd put her initial rudeness down to wine and try to maintain some sort of friendship - bizarrely, this sort of bust-up can draw people closer, as the truth comes out.

ohmyactualgiddyaunt

In terms of "getting personal" with her that was essentially what I said. Just own up and be happy. Just admit you arent arsed right now to lose the weight its fine.

when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!)

• I said fair enough but dont expect to lose weight. Is common sense really judgey? I'm not being sarcastic by the way.

just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

• There is nothing wrong with feeling lazy with two kids under 3. It's so tiring. But do not blame that on what you eat. this is what i mean when i say just admit you are being lazy. I can see it can read a bit sharp.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud I feel like the parenting jibes really killed any type of making up. I do appreciate her apology and I hope she appreciates mine.
Everyone has different weak spots...I feel friends should be able to speak about anything....but parenting needs to be respected and if you have something to say tread carefully.I feel like she went too far with her comments to say I was a bad mom because I'm not with DDs 24/7

Defintely sounds like you are better off not being friends.

On your longer post above you say you felt bad after your behaviour and I totally understand that. Fair enough, we all snap sometimes.

Just from that post, you still seem to be on the offensive. Perhaps that is just your way, which is fine as long as you "own it". In your shoes however, I would want to work on that (defending yourself is of course fine and I would do that too, but maybe I would try to stop attacking people when defending myself "God forbid you should read the thread", "...with someone other than a two year old" etc), but that's just my way. I'll own that all day!

Tbh, there aren't many mums who spend 24/7 with their children. You were both out that evening for example.

If you're confident in your parenting and know your children are happy why allow yourself to get so wound up?

And quit saying 'just admit you're lazy / admit it's the biscuits' (paraphrasing because i'm on my phone and i can't scroll back to see your words exactly). No one has to 'admit' to being overweight for any reason. If she believes going out to exercise would impact on her parenting that's fine. That's no reflection on your lifestyle and your parenting.

For example, I work. Some friends don't because they believe it's better to be at home with children when they're young rather than putting them in childcare. I take absolutely no offence at that.

You both sound oversensitive and you do sound a little obsessed. We know your weight, your friend's weight, your clothes size and your bra size. I don't believe that any of that information is actually relevant.

Haha sorry, just realised how smug that smile looks!!! Was meant to be friendly, not smug...

It's not lazy to be tired with 2 under 3's. I've been there, done that - I had 4 under 4 at one point so please don't think I have no experience of small age gaps. It can be bloody exhausting for a multitude of reasons. You are able to push through the tiredness and good for you but for whatever reason you are clearly not privy to your friend feels unable to. That does not make her lazy.

It doesn't read sharp, it reads judgy.

Oh, I agree that she was wrong and inaccurate to say what she said about your parenting - it came from a place of guilt and envy. The point is, I think she knows it and her apology implies that she's trying to admit that fact to you.

I think that if you can mentally file her remarks under the 'Not actually about me' category in your head, then you could still both find value in the friendship. I know it's hard to do that sometimes, especially when the remarks coincide with your own anxieties, but it is possible. My sister projects onto me a lot when she's stressed and I always have to do the mental redirect (whilst pulling her up on it as kindly as I can).

Depends on how close you both were before, I think.

DuckChowMein I don't care what weight she is. I simply think it's silly to blame your weight - no matter what weight you are - on anything other than food and exercise (if you are healthy)
She was blaming her weight on her DCs and on being a good mother...this is all fine and i would have nodded along politely as i have done for the past two years....but then she went step further and brought me into it.

I am calling my current attempt at weight loss, my weight loss journey.

For a few reasons. None of which should be so strong as to piss other people off surely? And I'm half way there which is more than I've ever managed before, and if I do succeed, damn right it will be a life changing achievement for ME.

Then your at "hey, don't bring me into this" and stop there. When you start attacking people personally you have lost the argument IMHO.

*then you say

Oh, and my current weight (and prior to weight loss) was due to 3 babies in 2.5 years, and eating plenty during that time! My lack of weight loss was due to not doing a damn thing about it. My successful weight loss is due to good old calorie counting and walking, nothing special. I can't wait to have a bit of free time to get to the gym.

And interestingly, I am still big, though no longer obese, but just because I fit comfortably into a 16 now instead of bursting out of a 20, I have had several comments that I'm too thin, starving myself (for only eating one biscuit at baby group) losing weight too fast, wasting away etc. and I assure you none of the above is true. All came from a woman larger than my current size though.

We can be our own worst enemies at times. I don't look at someone and see their size, I wish people didn't do that to me.

OP are you sure you want to end this friendship? She was obviously completely in the wrong to make digs all night, but I think when your body changes with pregnancy and you get into a way of eating that becomes your habit, it is soul destroying. She sounds so envious of your strength and motivation to change but not everyone is as strong as you. You said you liked her....she doesn't sound like a malicious person, just someone who has self loathing right now and can't cope too well with it. My body changed massively with four pregnancies in five years. I went from nine stone to over eleven and my whole body shape changed. It was difficult for my mental health to feel almost stuck in someone else's body. I dream of making changes. Anyway, I hope you two work it out. Friends are hard to come by.

ohmyactualgiddyaunt I understand and I'm truly sorry. I feel horrible and probably will for a while because i know what it's like to be unhappy.

I do not think she is lazy because of her size. I think it is lazy to blame lack of weight loss on toddlers as though they grow super strength every night and shove bad food down your throat....why not just say "look I cant be arsed I'm so effing tired all the time and when I feel up to it I'll lose it" and live and let live?

she should be privy to that some people can push through their tiredness and not pick on them and make nasty comments towards others. Commenting on weight cuts both ways. The same way racism xenophobia etc does. She isn't untouchable because she is bigger than me if that makes sense.

I feel like in the posts there is so much sympathy for how she must feel and rightly so, but people of all body types feel pressure, self disgust, anxiety and lack of motivation.
Someone underweight may feel unmotivated to put it back on and visa versa.

Mothers who do not spend 24/7 with their kids or who do not do "attachment parenting" are always judged, in my opinion, more harshly than SATMs and attachment mothers. It seems as though there is only one role for women in society still to this day.

I'm constantly being picked on for caring about fitness as though it's shallow or neglectful, this is what I mean when I say I'm tired of eating for two myths im tired of "real women have curves" myths. How about real women are happy women???

If i order a salad I'm a buzzkill and i'm conceited and I do not know how to have fun ...it's madness.

I feel like people talk about me my weight and my liking to jog more than I do. It's actually something personal to me from struggling so much as a teen so i genuinely do not shout from the hills and alert all the neighbors when I go for a jog. Ii do not send around fitness tips to my friends I don't recommend books and when other friends speak about their weight I don't give boring long winded testimonials.

I just listen and encourage and I wish she would have respected that and left it at one little joke.

All i can say is that slithy and op, you have been very unlucky to be picked on for your weight loss. I've never seen the sort of behaviour either of you are describing (except when a school friend actually was dangerously underweight and a few people commented - she was diagnosed with anorexia, but she wore children's clothes at 18 years of age, not a size 10/12 or 16). There are obviously some quite strange people out there.