To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

Oh and congrats on achieving what you have so far both of you.

Forever I think you make some important points but it's all got a bit tangled up with the emotion of the thread and the fact that you had a rant at someone which some are taking exception to.

However I think the social pressure put on people when they try to be healthy - whether that's giving up smoking, drinking less, trying to exercise, or eat more healthily and be a healthy weight – is a big deal, is very important and is something very under-addressed by health policy and society in general.

You are right - it's not socially acceptable top say anything about excess weight or unhealthy food choices, but it IS acceptable to bully people for choosing a salad, saying no to a cake or going for a run, and I'm sure that bullying does have a major impact on general health. We do have a problem with obesity and I think things like social pressure are a big part of that.

Interesting point magenta, but not a big problem among my friends and acquaintances... Nobody goes much further than "oh you're so good to order salad" and if anyone says "no thanks, I don't want cake, I'm being good" nobody pressures anyone. Think that's quite usual these days..? Maybe my gran might have said "ah go on have some cake" but it never felt difficult to say "no thanks, really" even then! Don't think there needs to be health policy geared towards this... Just my experience and opinion though.

I agree with you re smoking though. I gave up years ago but was pressured a bit over it. Annoying.

I think it's because when people make 'good' choices, others, probably wrongly, feel this highlights their own 'bad' choices, which makes them feel bad. So they try to prevent the 'good' choices.

DH's dad did this to him when he quit smoking if you can believe that. DH quit smoking to have children, and fil took it as a direct criticism of his own parenting, and told DH that I was changing him beyond recognition.

It was horrible. There are people like that in the world. Don't want anything good for others.

I will say though that my friend who keeps making comments isn't being malicious. I think she believes them, it's just difficult to face every time I see her.

MagentaOeuflon The comments have been removed but some people were literally saying my girls will be anorexic when they get older. I don't mean to rant I just get really passionate about double standards and people making assumptions about me as opposed to wanting to have a conversation :(

Pp on this thread have actually said that someone else ordering a salad would spoil their child free evening. How bonkers is that.

I'm back on here this morning because a conversation I have had at work is directly relevant:

Size 8 colleague, when offered chocolate hobnob: No thanks

Hobnob offerer: oh go on, it won't make any difference to you!!

I mean really, why is this acceptable?? Would it be acceptable for me to say to someone who was a size 18: I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

I think women of all sizes are subject to pressures in different ways but I do think people feel much more able to say snarky things when you're skinny (which I'm not, by the way).

I rtft before any comments were removed and i didn't see anyone saying that your girls would end up anorexic or bullemic. What i did see was someone saying they hoped you didn't talk about weight and diet all the time in front of your children and that an obsession with this kind of thing can lead to eating disorders. True enough. We know there are primary school aged children (mostly girls but also boys) who have body image issues and who say they are on diets. This is extremely unhealthy and as parents it's important to shield our children from this.

I think you were oversensitive to the comments and saw an accusation that wasn't there.

MarwoodsMate It's really horrid sometimes i promise you. I'm going back to work full time after 2 years of working from home and only attending the important meetings and feel sick and happy at the same time. Someone said to me "your dd is barely 6 months why would you want to leave her"
It's just something we are trying out and if I'm not happy I can go back to working from home or do half days.
I just always feel judged by mommy martyrs and it hits home because I really make a conscience choice not to judge other moms. One of my friends smokes 5 a day pregnant and I am with her every step of the way. I'm not a saint I'm always late I'm forgetful and i do let the odd swear word slip out in front of the kids....there is no sisterhood anymore I feel.

*conscious

pinningwobble Thanks for sharing that x

Not great pinning, but hardly worth having a fit over! People are a bit insensitive all the time. It has nothing to do with double standards over size! If your colleague is happy with her body and is healthy, of course it is slightly more acceptable to comment about that than it is to comment about someone who is unhappy with their body. If you had great hair and I said something about it, you wouldn't be getting wound up and saying "it's not ok to comment about so an so's bald patch, why are you allowed to comment about my hair"? Agree the comment you heard was insensitive though. If your colleague is unhappy being a size 8 that's obviously worse.

Cactus, people have said that she is weight obsessed, and a food bore, and other unpleasant things.

It's mad. I've lost over 2 stone and have had maybe one weight loss conversation to people other than my mum. Yet if I started a thread on it, pp would probably say the same things to me. It's so judgemental.

CactusAnnie They have the comments have been deleted and no one thinks I'm too then but just I'm obsessed with food etc. My boobs (32GG/H) are ridiculously heavy but at 11 stone I'm still a size 10
Peoples weight manifests itself in different wways
I know people "bigger" than me who weigh significantly less.
Meh
Such a tedious thing to speak about sorry for probably boring you all to death

Please stop saying 'mommy martyrs'. Labels and name calling are unnecessary. Mummy martyr, yummy mummy. We're women, mothers, doing things differently.

Be confident and proud in the choices you make and try not to care about what others say or think. Horses for courses, the world would be boring if we were all the same etc etc.

Cactus I am 10st 4 and have had a much bigger friend tell me I was 'taking it too far'. Which I am clearly not. I am aiming for 9st.

I have had lots of negative comments along the way.

And marwoods there's no problem with complimenting people but no you should not think its ok to make snarky comments over someone's size even if that size is healthy! Being unhappy with your size (as indeed I am with mine) doesn't give you carte Blanche to make others feel bad about theirs. Nor does it mean people have to be understanding towards you because of it, if you're acting nastily, which IMO op's friend was.

DuckChowMein It's just a phrase for women who believe life ends when you have a child and you must be attached to them 24/7 spoon feeding them organic vegan food from a recycled spoon in fair trade clothing

Op my boobs are also 32GG :)

Yes, again, op's friend was snarky and nasty. Your colleague doesn't sound too evil though... What exactly did he/she say that was so terrible? insensitive yes but hardly worth a fit. That's all I'm saying.

Marwoods. At no point did I say my colleague was evil. Nor did I say they had a fit. My point was that the conversation is typical of a society in which people feel ok to make personal comments about someone's size if they are thin but not if they are fat. Neither should be ok. Or excused or ignored.

I know what it means forever, i just think it's unnecessary and your description is sarcastic and scathing. I mean why do mothers get labelled by other mothers in the first place? Its bizarre.

pinningwobble I agree
MarwoodsMate It literally is a situation whereby anything said to someone overweight is taboo unless they are told how fabulous curvy amazing and strong they are. Yet someone slim has to listen to how skinny they are all the effing time.
If someone big is a victim for being told not to eat then why isn't some skinny equally a victim for being told go on have one
Same thing isnt it? Yet one is bang out of order and another is "hardly harsh" etc
But why is that?
Do you know what I mean?

DuckChowMein I know I know :( it's all petty to be honest.
Do you hate the terms "stay at home mom" and "working mom" too?
I do.