to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

chuckit you don't sound like a Bridezilla to me, you sound like a balanced bride with a lovely idea for an unusual wedding, who has bent over backwards to try and make it as easy as possible to help people attend.

If nothing else, this thread will have shown you that you can't please everyone! Lay your cards on the table, leave the offer of the minibus (but perhaps not the accommodation as it will need booking sooner rather than later and could get messy with people chopping and changing) and then get on with planning your wedding. I had one or two friends like that that didn't come to my wedding and I still had a fabulous day with the 99% that did. Seven years on the friendships with the couple of friends that didn't come have fizzled out, they let me down on further occassions after the wedding and I finally realised that they weren't real friends and weren't putting much into me or the friendship unless it suited them.

Plan the hen do you want. Tell them you can't afford a spa, but if they want to go you can always tag on later if you can save a bit. Tell them you're having a meal out locally for a hen do if they want to come (or whatever you want to do).

Is it six months away? I hadn't clocked that. You probably do need to calm down a bit or you'll be in a state by the date.

Okay. Your wedding sounds lovely - for you and DH. Nobody else.

From the view of someone with a small and difficult DS, it would be an expensive and complicated weekend. No way would I pay for two nights accommodation to spend all day hanging around in a very expensive city that I don't particularly like anyway.

I hope you have a lovely wedding but I completely understand why your guests don't want to go. A spa day would be much easier!

I think the only mistake you are making is to mind if people don't think your ideas are as interesting as you do. That's human nature of course and massively encouraged by the wedding industry. Plan everything you want, invite people along and then let it go.

So they obv just can't be bothered because i don't mean enough to them for them to sit on a free mini bus for 45 minutes is actually in response to the fact they haven't preplied to a text sent a few hours ago about a date at the end of November hmm
No no no! I said that in response to someone who asked why they I think they don't want to come to my reception BEFORE I'd even sent the text. I'm not fucking bothered they haven't replied a few comments down do you see me say "they must be busy" in response to someone asking if they've replied????

Op I got married last year and it was stressful! Your wedding sounds lovely! I'll come :)

Loads of people will give you good advice as to what you need in a wedding. Ignor the lot if it. work out what's important to you.

Let people book their own accommodation or taxis, don't even try to do that yourself. You can give people a list if accommodation and taxis and leave it at that.

Everyone needs to organise this stuff in their own sweet time. Some people like to organise stuff themselves and they will probably research and organise early. Others will but want to think about The practicalities this far in advance and so won't engage yet with the details.

Have the hen do you want, don't be swayed by others.

We had friends travel from Europe and Australia for our wedding. as someone else said up thread if friebds want to come they will, if they dont - well forget them. Just have the wedding you want, invite who you want and minimise the organising you are trying to do.

And I was worrying about it now as accompdation was booking up fast. That's all. And didn't want those whoe wanted to come but "couldn't afford" to miss out. That's really all.

Well, stop worrying. See how stressful it is.

'What's wrong with wanting to spend time after your ceremony with your husband expat ? '

You have the rest of your lives to be together. But to expect some folks to be up and dressed at 8.30am and then hang around for 10 hours whilst you have 'us' time is, well, no wonder people aren't falling over themselves to go.

Elope and then have a party afterwards.

The whole thing sounds convoluted as all hell.

Fucking Id hate to hang about for 8 hours with shit all to do too tbh but the people that are hanging about for 8 hours INSISTED THEY CAME TO OUR EARLY CEREMONY. And most of them have things planned for the day so aren't hanging about at all, funnily enough a lot of them are going to the spa for some pampering whilst the blokes go to the pub!

OP, I don't think you sound bridezilla like at all so Ignore comments like that.

Just Re-reading your OP and it seems like that originally it sounded like staying for 2 nights was the only option, and even if you did find cheaper accommodation I could see how some of them would be thinking they'd rather not do that.

if you have now suggested to them that they can just come to the evening do if they prefer (sounds lovely) at minimal expense to them,and they STILL make excuses, then you've done all you can.

People who genuinely want to come will come. Either to all of it or just some of it, both f which you're ok with which is good. The main thing is that you have now given people choices for their convenience. That's the end of your duty to be a good host as far as the planning of the day goes. Really, you have been accommodating enough. You could bend over backwards trying to do the right thing and you'd STILL get it wrong in some people's eyes.

In my view the most important thing is that you have the type of wedding YOU want, not what other people want. Yes, take people's needs into consideration but don't go overboard.

You have done enough. They either come or they don't. Stick to your guns about the spa day. It's YOUR hen do.

Can't think what more you can do now really other than just forget about any more excuses that come out of the woodwork, and look forward to celebrating with the people that DO want to make the effort to help you celebrate the day how you want it to be celebrated.

These people may not even be in your circle of friends in 10 years time - imagine altering arrangements to try and please them and not enjoying your wedding as much, and they aren't even in your life in a few years - you'd always resent how you changed your plans for them.

OP many posters are supporting you, now we understand the facts, calm down a bit and stop lashing out.

Why don't you take the bits of this thread that are useful (by useful I don't just mean those agreeing with your day, but those that have good suggestions and remedies) and ignore the rest.

Honestly OP, you are going right of on one about this. You absolutely made the comment I quoted as it's what you thought- it didn't come across at all as tongue in cheek.

You said also said When I mentioned the mini bus I got almost no reaction. They obviously just don't want to come but why use money as a reason and then harp on about a hen do I don't want.

There was no reaction because you only mentioned it a few hours ago FFS.

You might be trying to convince yourself you've planned a lovely day for all your guests but the reality is you really, really haven't.

I'm not critising you at all for that- it's your wedding so you do exactly what you want but if you knew how important your friends and family thought attending your actual ceremony was then your plan was never in their best interests.

expat I didn't actually expect them to do anything. I think this may be the fourth time I've said that the people coming to the ceremony invited themselves and insisted!m, knowing we wanted it to just be me and dd and we wanted to just have a party in the evening. And those who aren't coming either chose just to come for the evening or weren't invited to the ceremony just the evening.
Do you think I've forced people to attend my ceremony and hang around in the cold for 8 hours or something?

Then have whatever you want, but hey, some people won't go. Except it and move on.

*Honestly OP, you are going right of on one about this. You absolutely made the comment I quoted as it's what you thought- it didn't come across at all as tongue in cheek.

You said also said When I mentioned the mini bus I got almost no reaction. They obviously just don't want to come but why use money as a reason and then harp on about a hen do I don't want.*
Okay I get why I've confused touZ I mentioned to two of my friends a few weeks back and got pretty much no reaction.
I then sent a text to EVERYONE today. I should have said I've texted *everyone else today to avoid that confusion.

ive said multiple times they probably just don't want to come and that's fine/I've accepted it.
But thanks.

Have you actually sent the invitations out and had the RSVP's back yet?

Accept, sorry.

This threads exhausted me beyond belief.
Thanks everyone for advice.
I can't change my ceremony to the evening, it's too late as some people have paid two nights accompdation, and I've offered transport for those in the evening. Not much else I can do.
Thanks again, hopefully it won't be a disaster.

Invitations sent. Rsvps back from everyone on my side exept these friends who just told me they couldn't come due to the price.

What were they options on price they were given?

You are not being unreasonable. It is simply horrid and bad manners to say you cannot afford to attend the wedding but then attend hen at same cost. You have gone beyond most brides in offering to pay accommodations deposit, organisations of minibus etc.
I would be very upset in your position.

Oh just sod of would you.
I didn't ask them to hang about for 8 hours, they invited themselves knowing it would be a long day.
Preaching to me about manors, have you heard yourself?