to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

Misunderstood - the minibus is only for the evening? It would be far better, I think, to arrange one for the morning!

Did the people who got upset about not being invited to the ceremony know it was an 8:30 am start at that point?

For my daughter's wedding we had a largish group of family friends delay their holiday abroad by one day, travel for 2 hours in the morning, travel back 2 hours that night and go to the airport the following day. Totally their decision and their decision was not to stay over and we really appreciated the effort they made. Guests are grown ups and can sort themselves out.

We had provided all guests with a list of accommodation and a warning that some hotels required a two night booking and then left them to sort it out. Some stayed, some didn't.

I probably ought to add that the wedding was after lunch and flowed from ceremony to reception to evening dancing, with all guests invited and no separate evening guests.

I would expect those who can't make the ceremony to not use the excuse "we have no money" in regard to attending a wedding reception

But you have made it clear you are not inviting them to a wedding reception, but to an evening reception with drink, snacks, drink and a buffet. Now, once again that is what you have chosen and that is perfectly fine for you and your intended.

However, perhaps your friends are sad because they will get no opportunity to actually talk to you properly, to see you as a bride in your wedding dress? (I'm presuming you will change after the ceremony and won't be going around the city all day in your wedding dress? Forgive me if am wrong)

Your OP spoke about "many of my friends" - now, either they are all in league against you OR your plans for your wedding simply don't suit them. Which do you think it is?

You've got two choices: keep the wedding you want and allow your invited guests to decide whether or not to attend and do not hold non-acceptance against them. This seems unlikely, given your reactions on this thread, but never say never.

Or to change your plans. I don't think you should do this, if you are happy with the arrangements as you say you are. But of course it is your choice.

Anyway, whatever you decide, I hope you and your guests all have a lovely day.

Ok chuckit. I do feel bad for you and I do want you to have a wonderful wedding (and you will because it's not as if it's next week, you have a long time to think about this/arrange stuff/get over disappointment of some friends) but I think it's important that you acknowledged it's somehow your fault for putting people off in some way or other.

I think it's either that they are actually not very good friends - not 'bitches' just people who aren't as close as you thought they were - or that something in the communication about the arrangement and plans has put them off.

The 'two nights or nothing' is likely it. Maybe they felt pressured by that, maybe they misinterpreted your solution hunting for bossing them about/demanding they stay the weekend...

I'd definitely have one more go of clarifying what you want, that is them all there at the reception, with you helping out with transport - rather than the spa day. Say it clearly, politely and warmly and you will get there I reckon.

Did the people who got upset about not being invited to the ceremony know it was an 8:30 am start at that point?

I got the impression that it was close family (parents in law?)who were upset about not being invited to the ceremony and not friendship groups. It snowballed from there. Maybe wrong about this though.

I would invite them to whatever you want to invite them to and if they can't/won't make it they can't/won't. And then I wouldn't give it another minute's thought. It's not necessarily the same reason for all of them anyway. But I wouldn't go on a spa day with a bunch of women I was feeling cross with even if they wanted to.

Stitchintime is right

Raffles I don't dispute that many weddings in the last few decades have seen an increase in separate evening receptions, but I think they were far fewer in the 70's and before then. My parents reception was an afternoon tea in the local village hall and that was fairly standard for the day. I don't love evening receptions myself, but I do think it is positively rude to invite guests who have a considerable journey to get there to such events.

Of course the bride and groom are the most important people there, but a bit of consideration for guests doesn't go amiss.

I also agree with Stitchintime about the spa day. Op if you don't fancy a spa day for your hen then don't do it. They should not be pressurising you into anything.

I think people are really jumping on the OP.

Have I got is right?

She and her fiancé wanted to only have a very small Humber of people at their wedding ceremony - fair enough - they booked an 8.30 sunrise wedding at a gorgeous place - all key players and family happy with this.

They then planned to have an evening event later in the day for friends and other family members.

Meanwhile this is Bath, with a Christmas market - no hotels will allow for one night stays over a weekend - standard in lots of places.

Friends were extremely upset to be excluded from ceremony and said it would be too expensive/much of a hassle to drive 45 minutes for an evening event, so, despite the fact that OP and her fiancé really felt uncomfortable with the idea of lots of people at the ceremony they extended the invitation to everyone. Making it clear that they were under no obligation to come but that OP and her fiancé did not want anyone to feel that they were not welcome. Should they come they would be part of the Wedding breakfast and drinks and there would be time later to explore the market before everyone meeting back for the big party.

Friends said that it would be too expensive to stay two nights in a hotel (see above - one night not an option) OP tried to find accommodation for them - £80 for two nights. Friends said this was still too expensive/weren't bothered it that they would happily go for a spa day for £90 should she change her preferred plans from a restaurant to a spa.

How is the OP being unreasonable?

calloh I'm glad someone's made some sense of my posts.

I've often travelled 45 minutes or more to attend a party - birthday, anniversary. I also remember attending an evening ceremony where the bride and groom had got married abroad. I don't understand why people see this as a problem, tbh. As if it's too much trouble or something.

Meant evening reception, not ceremony, sorry.

I think the main thing is me saying the HAVE to stay two nights if they come to both ceremony and evening reception.
Obv when I spoke to them it was along the lines of "we're getting married at stupid o'clock and most places are only allowing two night stays so if you'd like to come to the ceremony and reception it will probably have to be two nights".
But the whole thread has become hugely muddled.

OP... look how confused people on the thread are getting? We have the benefit of your corrections/updates and opinions of others - all in writing. Are you absolutely sure that your invitees are clear on what it is that you're asking?

Even in your last update, you're saying 'most places are only allowing two night stays... it will probably have to be two nights'. Confusing/wishy-washy/prescriptive.

Are you willing to go back to them and ask what they would like to find it easier to attend - or at least find out why they won't? It's not good asking people here, ask your friends. Or don't.

Oh and unreasonable for the 10 hour gap, getting married at 8.30 etc. tried to explain how I thought the day would go in between ceremony and reception but I don't think anyone thought It was a good idea. Thought my family would love time to explore the Xmas market with their children and out for late lunch before getting ready the evening but I got it all wrong.
First time I've tried to organise a wedding and clearly have fucked it up!

... and would you arrange for a morning minibus?

Do you have other friends coming to your wedding or are your friends these people who aren't going to come? I don't think your plans sound unreasonable when based around going to the evening reception only. Travelling 45 minutes in a minibus to a friend's reception is really nothing.

Are they close friends of yours or more acquaintances? Are they a bit self-absorbed?

I don't think you've fucked up at all. You've just made some assumptions about what other people would like. Just plan your wedding, send out invitations, count up the numbers who reply and feed and water the people who turn up. And enjoy your day.

Sorry. I've hunted and hunted for places that allow one night accompdation at a reasonable price and I haven't found ANY. Neither did any other guests.
So it's "every place I've found hasn't allowed one night so if you would like to come to both ceremony and reception you'll have to try and find one night accompdation which is really tough or drive up early. Or just come to the evening"
Honestly, I didn't say there was 100% because you never know, there might be but its not easy to find, as no guests have managed it. That's all.

I would but when I've said to two of my friends from this group about a mini bus they didn't seem chuffed. For the ceremony or the reception.
I do have other friends coming but they have been my friends longer, like childhood friends I've known these friends about 3 years.

I just don't think they want to come. Otherwise they'd be there for the evening and just drive wouldn't they.
that's completely their choice but I'm not going on a spa day I don't want.