to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

If I were in your position, OP, if I really wanted my friends there - I'd have clear in my head a) what I want for my big day and am not willing to change and b) what my friends would need to be able to attend easily and c) what I could change/cancel/book.

Once you know exactly what makes your day special and you must have, you can tackle your friends and what's possible.

I'd probably forget all about deposits for accommodation and just look at morning and evening minibus - and possibly a small buffet for those who don't want to go around the town, at lunchtime/early afternoon.

I think you should concentrate on the friends who are coming. Three years isn't long and maybe these women are not as great as they appeared on first acquaintance.

I think it is a bit off that they are keen for a spa day but not the wedding. It makes it all about them. They want the spa because they will be in focus and that it isn't waht you want for your hen is not so important. At your wedding reception they won't be the focus so they aren't interested in coming.

That may be an overexaggeration of how they are acting, but their behaviour would make me pause for thought if I were you.

I think you should do the hen you want to do. Go for the meal. Or go for a spa day if you want with your friends who are coming to your wedding.

cross-posted with you, OP and no, don't go to a spa day if you don't want one.

Driving is an option if they don't drink - most people do - unless there's a non-drinking person to drive, it's offputting for people that like to drink.

OP, I think it's just got too complicated with you offering lots of alternatives and basically trying to organise them. I can quite imagine that those already coming might also be a bit confused as to what exactly is happening and how it will be (simply because it's unconventional)

I'd simply inform everyone that the hotel requires a minimum two night stay or there is a Travelodge down the road (and you'll provide a free minibus to transport guests from the Travelodge to/from the Reception, with timings). Provide a link for guests to book their minibus place so you know how many need seats.

I'd probably formalise the plan for the day if you haven't already, so the timings and info are really easy for everyone to see. You're having an unconventional wedding day so I do think you need to spell out exactly what's going on....

7:30am - Lay on some croissants/pastries for those arriving who've had an early start driving to your wedding. I guess those staying at the hotel will have had breakfast included with their room (if not, you definitely need to provide something to see them through until 11am).
8:30am - Wedding Reception (only send this bit to those invited)
11am - Wedding Breakfast (menu attached, again only send to those invited, so they have some idea of the type of meal you're providing, is it breakfast, light lunch, just sandwiches, full on meal? I have no idea what you might be serving at 11am, but if it was a meal after a 3pm wedding, I'd have a good idea IYSWIM)
12noon - Toasts & speeches
7pm - Evening Reception with buffet

Leave it at that. Guests can book the Travelodge/hotel if they want and come if they want. You might lose out on a minibus deposit but if it's all laid out in black and white, everyone knows what the plans are, what you're providing, how much it will cost them. They're also responsible for just themselves (rather than a 16 bed apartment plus food, sleeping arrangements etc etc).

I agree, if you don't want a spa day, don't have one. Arrange your hen and invite them to it.

Chuck I don't see how you can have been more accommodating.

A) you made wedding plans that you wanted but made something as easy as poss for everyone in the evening

B) when people were upset about not being able to come to the morning you extended an invitation to them

C) when they were upset about two night minimum stay (which was beyond your control) you helped find cheaper accommodation which is less than a proposed spa day but with the perhaps off-putting idea of sharing with 15 others.

D) you offered to provide a minibus for those who didn't want to stay in accommodation. So, in fact, a totally free night out to celebrate your marriage.

The only possible thing you could have done is not to have the service you and your fiancé wanted and that would be bonkers when you have been so accommodating with everything else.

The only thing I can think is that they don't really understand the options you have given them and haven't really thought about it that much as it still seems quite far away.

I would call on the best one of these friends and talk it through with them. I'm sure it 'll come right. Don't stress and don't let it ruin your enjoyment in planning your wedding . WHICH SOUNDS GORGEOUS.

You have been very generous, I am sure this is a case of crossed purposes.

Well I think your evening reception sounds nice, and considering the travel and food and band etc, I think the hassle and expense to your friends would be minimal for a good night out to help you celebrate.

I can't see why they would object to going on that basis. I'm sure you've already chatted with them previously about just wanting a quiet ceremony so I'm sure they'd respect that. I can't see why they'd take umbrage at that.

I can only think that they don't want to make the effort for some other reason. Is it a ceilidh band or something? That would put me right off! I wouldn't accept as I find them awful.

Erm....stumped if not. Could it be the time of year? They think they'll be out at Xmas parties or something? Or it's too close to xmas and they need to save their money for present buying?

I would do as others have suggested and say that you don't have money for a fancy spa hen do seeing as you are spending the money on stuff for your guests at the evening reception to make it more enjoyable/easier for them to attend seeing as you realize the morning ceremony is not something that could be attended by all the guests. If they don't come to the evening do when you've explained that, and you've laid on free travel, food, drinks and a band, then fuck "em and forget about it. Enjoy the day and evening with people who DO go and who appreciate the fact that you've tried to do things to put right any "hassle" from the actual ceremony being at an unusual time so that people can enjoy the evening do at their convenience.

Chuckit you are arguing with or ignoring the majority of posters who say YABU and focusing on the one or two who agree with you.

If you didn't want opinions why post on a public forum?

Maybe it's best to be pleased anyone wants to come to any bit of it and concentrate on enjoying all the different parts of the extravaganza.

I don't think she is.

I think the majority of posters who are saying at she is being unreasonable are focussing on certain elements of her wedding and ignoring all that she has done to try and help her guests get there and enjoy it after they raised concerns about the difficulty if a 45 minute journey.

They obv just can't be bothered because i don't mean enough to them for them to sit on a free mini bus for 45 minutes

OP, you are getting pretty bridezilla- sh now.

You started this thread because people weren't prepared to spend £80 on 2 nights away for your wedding- now you're saying they can't be arsed to get on a bus for an evening do when that wasn't even an option at the beginning of this thread (it was 2 nights accommodation or nothing hence the £80 for it and £90 for the spa day discussion)

Which is the reality as they are 2 totally different options?

If you have been as stroppy with them as you have on here to anyne who thinks your ideas are unreasonable it's not surprising they aren't bending over backwards to attend.

It seems to me you haven't been at all clear to your friends what the options are as, even 13 pages in on this thread, I've no idea what you'd actually like them to do so goodness knows what message they've got from you.

FWIW going round Christmas markets in Novemver isn't going to appeal to everyone either.

As someone who only had 20 to my ceremony /wedding breakfast and then about 70 in the evening I think your wedding sounds lovely and am sad how many seem to think an evening do not worth bothering with. I wouldn't think it was odd to be invited to an evening only party for any other type of occasion, so why a wedding? I get some people think it should be all about the ceremony, but these friends are prioritising the hen do, so I don't think that applies here!

It does sound like some confusion about the pressure to stay all weekend, so why not send a message saying you understand the ceremony is difficult to get to and expensive for accommodation, do will not be offended if they can't make it, but hope to see them in the evening. To save on costs for everyone, you are only having a low key hen do. Then, if you want to be really helpful, ask them to let you know if they need any help with suggestions for transport to and from home for the evening or alternative accommodation, eg in Bristol. Then leave it at that and it's up to them!

I've said several times I accept I'm being unreasonable to expect them to stay 2 nights, I've tried to explain why my ceremony is at 8.30 and I'm sorry I don't think I'm being unreasonable for that. I accept I can't force people to stay and come but I thought they wanted to but couldn't afford so I tried to make it less pricey and find somewhere.
Honestly, I don't think I've done all that much wrong.
I booked a ceremony for me and dp, didn't need to take into consideration other people's wants and needs and then people got really upset and said they wanted to come. I invited those people and others I felt I wanted there if we were going down that route and all of them have accepted and booked places to stay other than my friends.
I've told them they really don't need to come to the ceremony and that there Is no pressure, I've tried to accommodate their needs by finding a place as they said they couldn't find one below £300 for the weekend. So I found somewhere for £80 for the weekend. That was still too much and I was FINE with this, it's up to them if they want to spend £80 on coming to my wedding but I posted because I was hurt when they approached me and told me that I couldn't just go for a meal out and they wanted to go on this spa break (costing £90) and then go for a meal out and then an entire night out! I was hurt they'd rather attend my hen than my wedding reception and I think that's fair.
Those people that are having around for 8 hours have INSISTED they come to the ceremony and the reception.
That is THEIR choice, not mine or dps, theirs. I have offered to pay for lunch and drinks as well and it leaves people time to explore the markets.
It isn't just snacks and drinks, my reception will have chapsgne and canapés on arrival, follows by a substantial buffets, followed by cheese baked a, fresh fruit and wine & cake. I've hired a band, put money behind the bar and tried to make it lovely for EVERYONE coming regardless of whether they've come to the ceremony. I wanted a small ceremony but that doesn't mean I don't love or appreiciate those just coming to the reception. I have invited my family and my closest friends and I would LOVE to celebrate with them! If any of them were to get married, I'd be there. Honestly id save and be there, one way or another but it's their choice not to come, but don't expect me to be thrilled when you say you aren't coming because you have no money then nag me for some ridiculous hen do I didn't ask for.
I really feel that I've been misunderstood here and yes I got petty and stroppy because I was devastated that I'd apparently shown myself to be selfish, that our wedding was bizarre, and would mean everyone hanging about bored and cold with no money or wasting money on things to occupy them. Obviously that hurt, because actually it's not just our day, I want everyone involved to feel special & I want them all to know how much I appreiciate their company. Honestly, I'm not a shitty person and I've tried so hard throughout my plans to be a good host, I've changed my date once already to accommodate those with children as it was weekday and now I've got it wrong because I ACCIDENTLY booked my god damn wedding on the first week of the Xmas markets making it really expensive to stay in Bath & really difficult.
I've offered a mini bus, sent out a text. It's there if they want it if not what else am I really do? I'm sorry everyone seems to think I'm such a selfish shit, im really not and got so upset because I was desperate to keep my family and friends happy.

I wouldn't go on a spa day with a bunch of women I was feeling cross with even if they wanted to.

Definitely. They don't get to dictate a hen do you don't like just because your wedding plans don't suit them. They can have a spa weekend if they like. That doesn't make it your hen do. Stick with your own plans and invite them to the event you want. Don't let it worry you for a moment if some of them don't come.

You haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes people say it's too expensive because it's too rude to say they don't like the sound of it. Or they say they can't find childcare because it sounds better than a flat no. Just take them at their word and have the day you want with the friends who can make it. I honestly think that in the end you will remember who was there and not the people who weren't.

Have your friends responded to the text offering the minibus (the bus wasn't mentioned when this thread was started at 8am this morning)?

Just tell them you can't make the spa day. It's really no biggie. Or really it's only the size you make it.

I'd send out a timetable like PurpleCrazyHorse has suggested and included in her post and I'd leave it at that. You don't have to change a thing, including attending a spa day if you don't want to. You do have to be absolutely clear though and I think perhaps things haven't been as clear as you think they were.

Everybody has different ideas for their weddings and that's fine, doesn't make yours good or bad - it's what you both want. If it's not following tradition in terms of timing/events then it just needs a bit more clarification.

Make it really clear what's happening on the day and leave it at that.

It's possible they DO intend to come to the evening do only, but just haven't sorted out the logistics. It will feel quite a long way away still to others.

Say to them you'd like to have a hen do that's inexpensive enough for everyone to attend - a spa day would be lovely but if everyone's struggling for cash (and can't afford to come to the evening reception, which is what you'd really like), then maybe not bother with the hen do or make it just drinks at home? And that your more than happy to pay for and arrange a minibus to the reception and back again on the day of your wedding.

I like the sound of your wedding, OP. On first glance 8.30 does sound terribly early but you've explained, it sounds gorgeous, and I wish you a wonderful wedding day.

I only sent the text after it was suggested on the thread, that's why it wasn't mentioned but no, nobody's responded. Maybe they are busy, I dont know. At least they'll know the options there

This is the most confusing wedding thread I have read. Ever.

'We've decided on an early wedding because the place we are getting married only offers weddings called "sunrise weddings" at 8.30am because by 9.30 the venue is open to the public, it's not just a weddings venue! We have difficult dynamics with family and waned to keep out ceremony and reception as separate as possible to avoid having EVERYONE at our ceremony. It's so me and dh can have US time during te day and the guests can relax and enjoy the festive celebrations going on that weekend, recharge and have there time with their own family before coming to the reception.
It's sad that some people see that as strange but it's what we wanted; that's all...'

Just WTAF? 'Us' time.

chuckit honestly I would go back to your original plans and stop trying to please this group of friends. Invite them to the hen night (of your choosing) and the evening do. If they choose not to come then that's their choice.
Try not to get upset or stressed about it. Your wedding sounds great to me and if I was a friend I would be happy to a) respect your wish for a private sunrise ceremony and b) spend 45 minutes travelling to attend your evening do.
Wouldn't attend a spa day though .

Chuckit - yes absolutely, love. I do get where you are coming from.

Now that we have and understand all the information () you are not being unreasonable, it's just been a chain of events that's happened and you've tried to look after your guests and enable them to come. You've just confused people a bit and also some of your guests are (I think) of the slightly fair-weather variety.

You know what, despite all the kerfuffle and misunderstandings on this thread, the wedding is half a year off. They (guests) don't know you've had all this angst and upset, they haven't even properly thought about it yet as it's a way off and it will all come out in the wash once you send out another communication.

I hope all the comments (harsh and otherwise) will have served to help you in the end x

FFS seriously OP, you are totally blowing this out of proportion.

So they obv just can't be bothered because i don't mean enough to them for them to sit on a free mini bus for 45 minutes is actually in response to the fact they haven't preplied to a text sent a few hours ago about a date at the end of November

Your wedding is a massive deal to you but it won't even be registering on many other people's radar yet.

Wind you neck in and it will all work out- carry on like this and you'll have no friends left.

What's wrong with wanting to spend time after your ceremony with your husband expat ? The reason that's so important to us is we had dd very quickly and rarely get a second to ourselves, every married couple I've spoke to has said "just make sure you have time to really take it all in, spend time with eachother, everyone will want to speak to you, we barely saw eachother on our wedding day" and I really didn't want this.
It was our way of getting away from the forced group of people at our ceremony and just being with eachother to enjoy our day and recharge to celebrate in the evening.
What's so wrong with that?
Infact, it's doesn't matter. It's irrelivent but I really don't get your point