Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 12/04/2015 19:22

OP, you're absolutely NOT 'disgustingly rude'. You had a plan that suited you and immediate family. Others wanted to attend, you invited them and they pulled out due to the hour of the ceremony.

It's not what I'd do but I'd attend if I could (and don't think £80 for 2 nights accommodation is 'stupidly expensive'). I certainly wouldn't pull out due to costs and then ask you to change your Hen Do to one more expensive.

Try to not take some of the posters in here to heart. Words on a screen...

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 19:22

Totally ignoring everything I've just said. No regard for the fact I've explained that we just didn't want people at our ceremony and that they insisted on coming knowing we'd already booked our ceremony in expecting it to just be us two and had already paid for the evening reception. Just likes a bit of a nasty dig every now and then, clearly bored.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 12/04/2015 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 19:26

Thanks single! definitely just need to remove myself and get a grip. It's all beyond my control now and that's the tough bit- I'm now worried my guests will have a shit day and I've been a prize twat in getting married so early but it's all been eughhhh. Anyway! I think the problems resolved, they aren't coming because they can't make the whole day/don't want to have a 45 minute mini bus ride home after a night out.
So everyone who wanted to come to the ceremony is and everyone who was invited to the evening is coming. I'll just have to try and fill the day/massive gap with nice treats etc for guests that come to the ceremony and reception.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 19:30

I didn't ask them to hang about for 8 hours, they invited themselves knowing it would be a long day.

That's the problem though isn't it?

You didn't ask them to hang around for 8 hours but you knew that actually seeing your wedding ceremony was important to very many people yet you went ahead with your plans.

I can totally see the attraction of a sunrise wedding (although I fear the reality of a winter morning in Bath might be a bit different) but you opened up the problems by letting anyone else attend.

No matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, your wedding plans are entirely about you and your DH, which in itself isn't wrong but you really can't get pissed off when others don't fall into line.

From what I can gather you truly did originally expect your friends to stay for 2 nights and pay whatever that cost in order to see your ceremony and then attend the party and your invitations must have reflected that.

They've declined on grounds of costs so they clearly don't think there's a cheaper option.

Now they know there is an option of just attending the night so just give them time to respond

WillowKnicks · 12/04/2015 19:31

There is another thread running at the same time as this, where the OP is (quite rightly IMO) getting a hard time for suggesting that her SIL is BU in having the hen do & wedding day of her choice & not thinking of her guests every need. The opinions are the polar opposite of the majority on here.

OP I understand that this thread wasn't asking if you were BU booking a sunrise wedding etc but the fact your friends said they couldn't afford the accommodation for your wedding day but were prepared to spend more on the hen do (of their choice!). It wasn't rocket science & if people didn't spend so much time picking apart every little micro detail, they might not confuse themselves so much!!

The only thing you have done wrong is to bend over backwards for them to be there.

Yes, your wedding isn't conventional, as regards to venue & time but it sounds wonderful & I would be thrilled to be invited to something similar.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 19:38

Where's the evening 'do', OP? Is it in the same place as the reception and where some guests are staying? I'm asking as I imagine that they'd be quite happy to put something on for you/your guests in the way of entertainment if you asked them, or come up with some suggestions for you.

Your guests are not going to have a shit time, they're coming because they want to. On the plus side of having a wedding so early, the guests that you have will be the ones that really want to be there. Not a 'duty' guest among them.

By the time the wedding comes around, you'll have forgotten this thread and all the stress and you'll just enjoy your day as it will be exactly what you want.

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 19:38

Re the issue of wanting to spend time with your DH on your wedding day.
Yes, that sounds lovely until you remember that while it is indeed your day that fact makes you the host.
Leaving your guests to their own devices for several hours with the only offered entertainment being walking around Christmas markets on what will probably be a cold day possibly isn't the greatest way for a host to behave.

Have you really sent the invites out for a wedding in 7 months time? isnt that about 5 months too early?

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 19:40

WillowKnicks the responses are polar opposites because the situations are entirely different and like comparing apples and pears.

fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 19:41

sabrina think you're the rude one here.
OP your only mistake was not sticking to your original plan of keeping your sunrise ceremony private.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 19:43

I was thinking that, BearBehind, November is tricky for weather! So are all the other months, come to that.

fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 19:43

katiekaye that wouldn't have been a problem if those guests had accepted that they weren't actually invited to the ceremony in the first place.

LegoSuperstar · 12/04/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/04/2015 19:44

OP, it will be fine, and you and your close friends and family who will be there all day will really enjoy each ither's company.

Some people Are so picky with other people's wedding arrangements. To be honest that's why we pissed off and got married abroad (parents only was what we said re guests and even that was a compromise. Luckily both sets of parents are great and just went with the flow on the day and were a great support and I'm glad they were there). We had a party when we got back to "appease" those who were affronted by that decision, and I bloody hated the party. It was shit. You can't win. But I'm glad my actual wedding day was perfect. Well, as perfect as it can be when the water goes off and you're covered sand and sun cream and you're getting married in an hour and a half! My hair wasn't exactly styled properly and there was no time to paint my nails, but these seemed like minor details to me because I felt so relaxed! I wasn't worried about how great aunt maud was going to be with the long day or if the various children were going to get bored and play up or if the veggie guests were going to be dissatisfied at the veggie option or if the music appealed to everyone etc etc. Was bliss!

Have a lovely wedding, OP

WillowKnicks · 12/04/2015 19:48

WillowKnicks the responses are polar opposites because the situations are entirely different and like comparing apples and pears.

I disagree, the principle is the same. It is the bride & groom's day & up to them how they want to organise it.

There are some posters on here being really vile & extremely rude about somebody's wedding day...totally uncalled for!!

yeahokthen · 12/04/2015 19:55

Bath is a gorgeous city, most guests won't find it hard to find lovely things to do, good weather or not.
It's a shame the none friends aren't coming, they could've had their spa day on the same day
www.thermaebathspa.com

Bambambini · 12/04/2015 19:55

Bloody hell, mumsnet is on the ball with deletions tonight! That was fast!

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 19:55

IMO this is really quite different to a wedding abroad.

Having a ceremony in the place your guests will be attending the 'shin dig' just a few hour later is a weird juxta-position.

The guests won't generally say it's too expensive/ time consuming to attend (like they would with an overseas wedding) as they'll be going later in the day anyway.

That where the 'obligation gene' kicks in.

Many people will feel obliged to attend the ceremony as it is logistically possible (if masssively inconvienient).

I genuinely don't understand why the OP ever expected her friends to pay for 2 nights accommodation for this - and that is exactly why this thread ever started.

A night out with transport there and back- no problem.

A random winters weekend in an expensive city with hours of doing nothing while OP and her DH have some 'us' tiime- no thanks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 19:58

OP... Just one thing is whirring around in my head but don't answer if you don't want to...

Why do you say in this thread that you wanted to essentially keep people away from the ceremony (and you mention this often), you don't want people to see you get married - yet you're disappointed that your friends won't be there to see it?

If you really felt that way, two witnesses as already suggested would have been a great way to go - not even inviting anybody else you didn't want, not even telling them, bare minimum of guests and only those that you really wanted there.

You really could have done all of this very, very quietly if you'd wanted and escaped the angst of it all. I'd be very tempted to cancel it completely - or just tell people that you have - and have a party at a later date if you want one.

I think you're going to be stressing about your guests now on the day and actually, BearBehind is right - they are your (and your husband's) responsibility and you are hosts. it's going to be difficult to fit in with what you need to do to fulfil that role - and still get time alone with your husband, which is what you want.

I'd really think about it, the good thing is that you have a lot of time between now and then to sort this out so that you truly have a nice day.

UnsolvedMystery · 12/04/2015 20:00

It is your wedding and you can do what the hell you want.

However, I completely understand why people would not want to bother attending the ceremony when it would be that inconvenient for them and then not attend the evening do when they have already missed the ceremony and would have to drive home afterwards. The cost to the guests is significantly more than just £80.

But a spa day hen do for £90 is good value and sounds like fun.
If you didn't want them at the wedding in the first place, I would have thought this was an ideal solution.

Have whatever wedding you want, but don't complain if the guests don't share your enthusiasm.

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 20:00

But in this case the op isn't getting what she wanted. She wanted a lovely early morning ceremony with just her and her husband. Instead she's getting an uncomfortable mix of what was original planned and what other people are demanding of her. In retrospect it might have been best to ignore what others wanted, but it's done now.

The op can still have a lovely day and I hope she does, but it may mean some guests don't get it and decide not to come. It's sad, but it would help the op if she could come to terms with that.

qumquat · 12/04/2015 20:47

The best wedding I've ever been to involved hours of 'hanging around' while the bride and groom had a meal with close family. We all decamped to the pub and had a riot, much more fun than eating the obligatory chicken breast and sitting around listening to speeches! Op I think the mistake you've made is trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no-one, including yourself. Stop offering you friends different options and let them be, and have the hen do you want.

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 20:47

But in this case the op isn't getting what she wanted. She wanted a lovely early morning ceremony with just her and her husband.

Yes but somewhere along the line that morphed into her expecting her friends to pay for 2 nights accommodation so they could witness the ceremony then attend the evening do- which led to the problems.

If she'd just stuck to them attending the evening do this would never have happened as they would never have been expectedto pay £80 for 2 nights away ie the whole point of the thread.

The bottom line is - You can't expect to have 'us' time whilst your guests hang around waiting for you- or at least if you do expect that you are setting yourself up for a fall.

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 20:54

Bearbehind I think we've got the message that you don't approve at all of OP and this wedding. It shines out of your post.

OP I would remove yourself from this thread and the stress. People will come, others won't. And for what it's worth, we had 4 hours between daytime and evening reception at my friend's wedding in Bath, and loved it. Such a lovely city.

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 20:57

I don't disapprove of the actual wedding at all.

I completely disapprove of the expectations the OP has on her friends to fall all into line with her plans- but then again, her friends have made it clear they disapprove too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread