To think some children are just horrible?

[Wideeyedcarrrot]

And ds is one of those children.

I don't know what's gone wrong, it must be my fault but I've done my best. He's always been difficult. He wants smiley and cheery like other people's babies and toddlers. He was miserable and did nothing but scream. He never slept. He still doesn't eat very well as certain textures and smells make him sick. He's very demanding of my time. And now all he wants to do is fight. He's very aggressive and unpleasant, he has a superior attitude and always wants to be the best. He's unkind to other children, putting them down and being spiteful. We've been out with a friend today. Her children walked around the farm park enjoying themselves and looking at animals like normal children. Mine wanted to race, to spot the animals 'first' to crow that he'd seen something before them. He can't just be like other children. He doesn't appreciate anything, he's obnoxious and rude.
It ended in him (purposefully although he claims it was an accident) running over a toddler whilst he was on a pedal tractor. I don't think he meant to actually knock the child over but he was chasing after him whilst riding the tractor so it was bound to happen. I just couldn't quite get there in time to stop it even though I was shouting at ds to stop.
I took ds off the tractors, told him off, made him sit out and watch. He wasn't allowed anything from the gift shop (I'd originally said he could spend his pocket money) and there won't be any football tonight or tomorrow.
I can barely even look at him. Why would be behave like that to a little child? No one has ever been mean to him. That's how psychopaths start, by picking on those weaker than them. He constantly has to be pretending to fight, always got a stick in his hand pretending it's a gun. The behaviour disgusts me, I don't want him anywhere near me at the moment although I'm trying not to show it because I'm so annoyed about the tractor incident. I'm trying to calm down.
What has gone so badly wrong? Why is he such hard work? He can't relate to people properly. Well no actually he can. When he chooses to or when he wants something. He's very manipulative.

I wonder if it's because he's an only child but so am I and I never had trouble relating to other children. And I know other people with only children and their dc aren't like ds. He always wants more, he's never satisfied with anything. Never grateful for anything.

Is this something I've done or Aibu to think some children are just more difficult than others? My friend didnt once have to speak to her children about their behaviour. I'm constantly on edge with ds waiting for him to do something he shouldn't. Earlier in the day he'd been 'pushing' my friend's dd on the swing. Except actually he'd been thumping her in the back and trying to push her off and again I had to go and intervene. I just cannot understand why he does it, where is this nasty behaviour coming from?

When reading "We need to talk about Kevin" remember that its a novel and for every difficult child who turns out like Kevin their are thousands who become well functioning adults.

The more you write OP the more I think a CAMHS assessment is a good idea.
Possibilities of diagnosable conditions that you could have help with are suggesting themselves.

Some of his behaviour sounds like it could be because of sensory issues - the food etc. If he's struggling with the world and feeling overloaded, he is going to be miserable and behave unpleasantly. Might be worth Googling Sensory Processing Disorder.

He also sounds very insecure. Some people are so please don't think it's your parenting, but it might be worth looking into hew to help him with that.

OP i had the same problems with my DD, now almost 6. One day at a church playgroup where DD had the reputation for being the aggressive, mean child, i was pulled aside by one of the helpers and we had a chat. This lady, in her 60s, said she thought i didn't love my child enough. I was horrified. She said i had to love her no matter what and show that love no matter what.

Thus next time she bit another child, take her out if the situation, talk about it calmly and then cuddle it out. She told me i didn't have to constantly apologise to other parents for DD's behaviour as it was upsetting me and grinding me down and alienating me from DD. And DD needed 100% of my attention. So i did my chores at night and devoted my day to being with DD.

It seemed to work, DD is a lovely child now and a great big sister. DH and i look back on her early years and it feels like we have a different child now. I think i was partly to blame. DD was not an easy baby and toddler; terrible sleeper, terrible eater, antisocial. She needed special attention, i see that now. She didn't need me to expect her to conform to norms, that was my mistake.

Worried about gambling?!?!

Sorry OP by that is nuts. He's a very small child. Most of his peers will also love agnes, competition and the chance to win a toy.

It sounds as though you're determi to think the worst of him.

I don't agree with Northern.
Some children DO have issues that are sort of managed at home by the parents. They are classed as being boistrous or more spirited or whatever. In fact they do have some issues (whatever it is, it might be high anxiety or ASD or anything else it doesn't matter as such) and are not getting the support they need.

Much better to get a review with a ed psy and see what they say. There isn't anything? That's great. There is something? Good, now we can support him the best way possible.,

Getting some advice some an ed psy or anyone else doesn't stop the OP to try some techniques at home. It doesn't stop her from try the Omage 3 stuff. It doesn't stop her from trying different techniques to help her ds.
But alleast, she will know if it's just down to that or if there is more. A head in the sand type of attitude, putting your fingers in your ears whilst singing 'he is just a normal boy' isn't going to help the OP or her ds to make friends, stop being so competitive or sleep better at night.

Oh and a book I would strongly recommend is How to Talk to Children. Reall really good regardless of the possible or not possible extra support he might need.

I'm finding this thread very upsetting. What's oming across is that you really struggle to like him. Is that right OP?
That must be so hard for you both.

You praise another child and he asks you to reassure him that you love him most (because that's what the coat thing is about) and what he gets back is being ignored now.
He likes games where he gets a prize - the satisfaction of success and reward and you see that as a negative too. I think you need to make a huge effort to change how you think about him and his behaviour before you can expect to see any change in his.

I would suggest you ask your GP for a referral to a paediatrician for assessment. From what you say your ds has difficulties with social communication and distinct sensory issues, and you need advice on appropriate support for him.

Northern having a child who obsevivelly competitive isn't having a child who likes to win. They all like to win at that age. Even dc1 was in uber competitive wasn't as competitive as this child.
And yes it's nice for them to want the reards at the end. Not so nice if they end up wanting the reward at all cost. That needs to be managed and taught.
It's not about a child that isn't loved. It's about a child who is loved and a mum who is struggling to deal with a behaviour that is so bad that friends are starting not to want him around. And that is detrimental to the child.

The language you use is very strong - disgusts, ignore, barely look at him. It will be affecting him hugely if he thinks you don't love or even like him.

I'd put all your energy into changing how you are first.

Sensory. Everything about this is screaming sensory stuff to me. Yes lots of children go through a fussy stage, but to the extent of it making him sick?

It is really really common for children with sensory issues to hold it all together at school and then to explode or be on a hair trigger all the time at home - there's even a term for this although I can't remember it offhand. Masking?

Sensory issues often go hand in hand with something else which might be what's behind the lack of apparent empathy or the manipulative tendencies or the fighting against rules etc. These children might not be sufficiently "different" to need particular support at school etc but there are things you can do at home, different ways to manage things which will make things easier on all of you. I'd get him assessed, definitely, don't let the school coping rule this possibility out. And in the meantime look at www.livesinthebalance.org/, and look out for a brilliant poster on here called PolterGoose.

Another one saying go to the gp and get him assessed. I am NOT medically qualified but I have a DD on the spectrum and teach in a school with a high number of children on the spectrum and I would say that he is definitely ticking the boxes that make us recommend getting an assessment. That way you have a much clearer idea do what you are deali ng with, whether there is a neurological issue or personality or what.

Speak to the school and ask them to be brutally honest, no sugar coating, as their in put will be important.

Also, was he late with any developmental milestones, e.g. Walking, talking? Is he a perfectionist about anything he is learning, like he won't do something until he knows he can do it properly? When did he toilet train?

Think throughthese things, then write down everything. They build up an overall picture. Include any and all sensory issues.

You sound like you are working really hard on this, so go easy on yourself. Find what support and help there is and get it.

I found wuthDD that people were reluctant to say there was a problem as they didn't want to upset me, but I knew there was something not quite right and started questioning things when she was 3. It can take years to get a full diagnosis so be prepared to dug in for the long haul. There is help out there and you and your DS are entitled to it, so go for it.

I do agree with some of the things Northern is saying-even though I am advocating a CAMHS assessment.
It is important to validate his feelings and not ignore them and to let him know that he is unconditionally loved.
I also agree with Icimoi.

It isn't one or the other. If he has sensory and social communication difficulties he is still a very young 5 year-old boy with a little boys needs for love and affirmation.

And it is really hard when their behaviour makes it hard to connect with them. I can understand where posters are coming from when they say that this might be contributing to the problem - but it's really really difficult and depressing to actually cope with as a parent as well. Please do get some help, I think it will absolutely transform your relationship if you can find the right way to manage this.

Forgot to mention, there is an excellent book about sensory processing disorder called Too Fast, Too Tight, Too Loud, Too Bright. Google it and you'll find the website and the book itself is on kindle and in paper and isn't very expensive.

A lot of what you have written could have been my DS. He was diagnosed with Asperger's at 12.
I agree with other posters, an assessment would be helpful. Also ask the teacher a little bit more about what he is like at school. Some of DS' teachers really liked him because he was very articulate and loved talking to adults, and he certainly seemed happy without friends as a young child, but that didn't last.

Thelastman - it's the OP who says 'I can't see them wanting to go out with us for much longer if this carries on'. We don't know how the friends regard the child except that the OP acknowledges school has no concerns and other adults get on well with him.

'If he has sensory and social communication difficulties he is still a very young 5 year-old boy with a little boys needs for love and affirmation' This is spot on! We expect such a lot from children this age, forgetting how much they need from us.

I agree with the learn to see the good.

But unless you've ever parented a child who you can't take your eyes off please don't judge the OP for watching and waiting for him to fail.

It is sole destroying when you have a child who is for all intents and purposes well behaved but does not get social norms. The child that sticks to rules because they're rules - but will do something completely outrageous because it's not been spoken about before hand and they don't see danger.

My DS was probably (well my closest friends said so) the best behaved of all the children when they weren't toddlers. He didn't tantrum etc and excited in his own little world. But you can garuntee he's be the child that broke something of someone's because once they all got excited he couldn't control himself.
Everyone forgets a tantrum - no one forgets a toy being broken. (disclaimer - I would replace stuff)

It's very draining when you want to plan fun days out for your child but they only ever seem to enjoy themselves on their terms.

I've had massive guilt in the past about the fact in interact with my friends kids more than DS when out or at theirs etc. It is not through choice. He is always at a distance to what's going on and if you approach him to engage he moves further away or tries to move the whole group on to his agenda.

Plus the focussing on a small part of something - eg the teddy machine. It's no good saying don't worry it's normal because sometimes as parents we can see the intense obsession goes beyond normal - but words don't contain intonation to describe this.
My DS always wants to collect sets of things. But that never satisfies him.

It's heart breaking seeing your child struggle when you want to help them but can't. OP has been very brave posting here - yes her choice of words app ar angry and judgemental of her DS but I'd bet my savings it's more pure frustration of feeling like she's failing and nothing she does is good enough.

Aside from a few minor details you are describing my DS at that age.

It is so hard to parent a child like this.

We are now several years further down the line and tbh it doesn't get easier. Sometimes I find myself counting the days until he leaves home .

We've decided not to go down the 'assessment' route. DS does well at school so there really is nothing to gain from bureaucracy & labelling.

I am sure he has aspergers and have found reading books about this very helpful. Read as much as you can about asd etc as well as looking on the sen section on mn.

I'm wondering if you have chosen not to have another DC? We had another after a big gap and it does bring out the best in DS. (I'm too embarrassed to inflict him on friends' DCs)

You haven't mentioned his father. How is their relationship?

Littlebillie that's not very nice - that book traumatised me

OP I could have written your post 5 years ago and since then he's had a diagnosis of ASD. It's not cured the behaviours but i understand them better.

A lot are anxiety driven so we do lots of anxiety reduction; relax kids mediation, audio books, progressive relaxation, visualisation
Social interaction - I just do the minimum and its very structured / in he's comfort zone - its got easier.
He has his first friend - he still needs support with his friendships and its hard going. He finds other children hard work, in fact people are hard work.

Strangely enough in reception / year 1 I had mixed reports from his school - as in 'all fine but no friends' but it went downhill as the demands increased. Have a chat with school - be open and honest. Do any parenting stuff they want you to do as it will tick the box for any coming referrals and you might pick up stuff.

I was asked the miracle question the other day 'If you woke up and a miracle had happened what would life look like?' and I said 'I would have a child that people liked and found easy to be around'
I nearly finished the woman off asking the question...

One of my personal heroes is a woman who has adopted several children, all from backgrounds of extreme trauma, neglect, and abuse. Two of these children came to her with the very scary diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Her mantra is "relationship, relationship, relationship." If you don't have a close, loving bond with your child, all the "parenting strategies" in the world won't help. But at the same time, if you work at building that connection, behaviour tends to be less challenging.

By the way, her children who arrived with the diagnosis of RAD are very securely attached to the family and no longer considered to have the disorder. All her children are doing fantastically well. It didn't happen overnight, of course. But it did happen because the parents absolutely committed themselves to these children.

some very good advice on here from knowledgeable people so i can't really offer much advice other than to listen to pp, but i do want to add alongside others that you sound like a caring mum and please remember today was a bad day and one to put behind you and try to move forward from.

Reading your posts though i was reminded of one of the children from my violent child on c5 recently, he had a difficult relationship with his mother and what really helped them both was bonding activities and physical touch it might be worth a look (i know he hasn't been violent to you but it just really brought that episode back to me)

You think there's nothing to gain from assessments jackie ?