To think some children are just horrible?

[Wideeyedcarrrot]

And ds is one of those children.

I don't know what's gone wrong, it must be my fault but I've done my best. He's always been difficult. He wants smiley and cheery like other people's babies and toddlers. He was miserable and did nothing but scream. He never slept. He still doesn't eat very well as certain textures and smells make him sick. He's very demanding of my time. And now all he wants to do is fight. He's very aggressive and unpleasant, he has a superior attitude and always wants to be the best. He's unkind to other children, putting them down and being spiteful. We've been out with a friend today. Her children walked around the farm park enjoying themselves and looking at animals like normal children. Mine wanted to race, to spot the animals 'first' to crow that he'd seen something before them. He can't just be like other children. He doesn't appreciate anything, he's obnoxious and rude.
It ended in him (purposefully although he claims it was an accident) running over a toddler whilst he was on a pedal tractor. I don't think he meant to actually knock the child over but he was chasing after him whilst riding the tractor so it was bound to happen. I just couldn't quite get there in time to stop it even though I was shouting at ds to stop.
I took ds off the tractors, told him off, made him sit out and watch. He wasn't allowed anything from the gift shop (I'd originally said he could spend his pocket money) and there won't be any football tonight or tomorrow.
I can barely even look at him. Why would be behave like that to a little child? No one has ever been mean to him. That's how psychopaths start, by picking on those weaker than them. He constantly has to be pretending to fight, always got a stick in his hand pretending it's a gun. The behaviour disgusts me, I don't want him anywhere near me at the moment although I'm trying not to show it because I'm so annoyed about the tractor incident. I'm trying to calm down.
What has gone so badly wrong? Why is he such hard work? He can't relate to people properly. Well no actually he can. When he chooses to or when he wants something. He's very manipulative.

I wonder if it's because he's an only child but so am I and I never had trouble relating to other children. And I know other people with only children and their dc aren't like ds. He always wants more, he's never satisfied with anything. Never grateful for anything.

Is this something I've done or Aibu to think some children are just more difficult than others? My friend didnt once have to speak to her children about their behaviour. I'm constantly on edge with ds waiting for him to do something he shouldn't. Earlier in the day he'd been 'pushing' my friend's dd on the swing. Except actually he'd been thumping her in the back and trying to push her off and again I had to go and intervene. I just cannot understand why he does it, where is this nasty behaviour coming from?

OP, I hope you are not getting too dispirited reading this thread. None of us know your DS and none of us can tell if he is just a NT little boy who is going through a challenging patch or whether there really are some SN concerns.

I have 4 adult DC and have also taught primary age children - for what it's worth I have known plenty of DC that have been extremely challenging as young children but who have grown up to be absolutely lovely and responsible young adults.

The most notable was a boy who among many other claims to fame had to be restrained by the police when he was only 7 or 8 (he was huge!) - he is now a medical student.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be concerned about his behaviour, I think it's sensible to get some professional advice but I do think you should be careful not to assume the worst.

Good luck.

OP when I said I agreed with lastlines last post I meant the one where she offered you support - so here is another post saying hope you find things that help!

My DS was well behaved at school because his one of his ASD traits is rigid rule following. School was structured and rule based so he was "good" because he followed the rules.

Like a lot of posters I am just offering my own experience. There is a saying that if you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism. I've learned you can't compare as just like neuro typical children everyone is different.

I really hope you and your son find some answers whatever happens. You're a better mum than me...I was in complete denial over my son's behaviour.

Also I'm not saying your son is on the spectrum. Just offering my own experience and a reason why school may not be seeing what you are.

I hope you're ok

OP I have three sons, one was incredibly difficult from day one. He had a difficult delivery and I always thought that was part of the problem. He was very aggressive to his sister but with other children I would say he was rough when playing. I think it might have been easier for me as I was used to his two older brothers knocking lumps out of each other so was a bit desensitised.

I don't know if it will help but one thing my son hated was undeserved praise, I gave him lots of attention but stopped over praising and definitely stopped letting him win.

My main philosophy on child raising is they all get you at some point, the angelic baby becomes a horrible toddler, the perfect child becomes Kevin the teenager one dark night and you don't even recognise him as yours. But you know what, I could have cheerfully throttled all mine at one time or another, particularly the difficult one, but they are all grown up, none of them been in trouble with the police, all working and the most thoughtful one of the lot is the "difficult" one. We got to about 15, I had practically given up hope and one day I realised we had had no issues for weeks. When he was little he was want want want and could never wait to spend pocket money or any birthday money. He is the most sensible with his money.

It might not all magically turn round for you but don't give up. One day you might realise he is actually a lovely young man. Good luck and give him a hug from me.

Bit in love with grannytomine

YYY to everything Ommm is saying.

I am an adult who has a lot of traits of ADHD. I am looking into getting a diagnosis, not because it will do anything at all for me at school(!) or at work, I probably won't even mention it to work, but because it will explain a lot of things which have always been slightly "off" and give me "permission" in a way to do things differently, in a way that works for me and to be able to actually back that up, should I need to - DH for example sometimes gets frustrated that I don't do things "normally" because for him it would be much more efficient to do something in a traditional way. But for me, it's not efficient at all.

Fine motor control stuff can be sensory related or there is a condition called dyspraxia which outwardly affects fine motor control but can also affect processing of time and perception as well - a friend discovered that she had it at university when a tutor noted that the content of her essays was essentially scrambled and mixed up.

I wonder re the targeting one child and not understanding about stopping a hug when it gets too much is that he's trying in some way to emulate play that he's seen others do, and missing out a huge part - the consent. It might be a good idea to talk to him about consent and get him into the habit of asking before he hugs, kisses, plays with or touches another person, child or adult, rather than trying to get him to recognise when it's too much for another person.

Something that helped me a lot when I went through a stage of finding it hard to like my child was to write down every single day one thing which I had enjoyed doing with him. Often it was the same thing every day. We kicked a conker home from school together. It used to make me feel really crappy that that would be the only moment that I had enjoyed with him in our day. Sometimes the enjoyment point would be the goodnight kiss, that was even worse! But actually looking back I was so glad I'd made those lists. Do you know what, I remember the bedtime kisses and the conker game and I don't remember a single thing (except some one off incidents) that made me feel so mad, sad or frustrated. Focusing on the good parts helped change my memory of that time, and it made me look for simple easy things to do together during every day that I would enjoy. And one thing I've discovered which is absolutely addictive - the stupid stuff we do to make babies laugh (tummy raspberries, little rhymes about toes, putting your nose on their nose) also works on five or six year olds when they're in a relaxed, playful mood and it's fantastic. I've resolved to do it as often as I can until he's pushing me off with embarrassment as a growly teenager :)

I'm glad you've got the book.

Partyringer that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Not sure what I did to deserve it but it always nice to be loved!

I'm glad you've got some really useful advice on this thread, OP. You sounded so desperate in your initial post. Some of the things you mentioned (problems with food textures, hands over ears, poor fine motor skills, relating to adults rather than children etc) were prominant to different extents in 2 children I know, one who has autism and 1 who has Aspergers. I think you really need to get expert advice as your son's behaviour seems to me like nothing to do with your parenting skills but more that something else is going on. Once you hit on whatever it is your life will start to turn towards positivity again simply because you'll know what your dealing with.

Wide you re describing yet more classic AS traits. DS2 couldn't tie his shoelaces for years after everyone else could. He holds his pen in a very odd way. His motor skills are impaired. he can't catch or throw straight or jump so never fitted in with the sporty boys.

FWIW, getting a diagnosis really helped us, mainly because it made people nicer to him. We have the opposite problem from you. he's lovely at home but the stress and sensory overload of school makes him behave with some aggression. And he is dyspraxic (it goes hand in hand) so his body language is slumped and his voice quite flat, which has often led teachers to think he's a moody idle sod, when actually he is struggling intensely to keep up. Now that teachers know, they are far nicer to him when he takes ages to get started on a project, or refuses to wear football socks for games because they feel wrong. It has helped.

Also, DS is now a teen and will be doing GCSEs. His very slow handwriting means he needs extra time for exams. This is crucial for him, as he's actually incredibly bright but in a very low centile for writing speed.

The more you find out about what your DS is coping with, and why he behaves as he does (all coping mechanisms) the easier it is to love him and feel on his side when he's hard work.

Grannytomine, that is such a lovely post. Op, one of my colleagues has the most delightful grown up daughter. She's bright and lovely to be around, we all enjoy it when she pops in to visit. To my amazement my colleague told me recently that she was an absolute nightmare when she was little, thumping and kicking other kids and tantrumming all over the place. She used to dread taking her anywhere!

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if I've missed information. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your DS but please don't write him off as an unpleasant child. From experience I 100% agree with love bombing and getting out of the negative cycle. Please show him you love him, he may be hard work but he's just a little boy and you're the most important person in his whole world.

Grannytomine your post was like when you're cold and wet and fall into a friend's house and they dry you off and warm you up and sort you out. My boy of 6 is going through a SPD diagnosis and my 4 year old can't bear praise, which throws me, and your post made sense at the end of a long day. Thankyou.

The perfectionism, sensory issues, friendship issues, impulsiviy, sleep, meltdowns. YYYYYY to all of them for ds. He has a diagnosis of ASD.

I would be asking for a referral to explore this further. I think you sound like a lovely mum who is trying to understand why her child is behaving the way he is.

Unless you have a child on the spectrum its difficult to understand how encompassing and overwhelming it can be.

wide the fine motor difficulties you describe... It doesn't surprise me to learn your son has some physical difficulties as well as social. Again, this is where an occupational therapist can giveyou excellent guidance.

I couldn't understand my son's difficulties with handwriting because in some respects he has terrific fine motor control (weaving loom bands like no tomorrow, for example) but the OT does all kinds of specific tests so you can start helping the child appropriately. For my child it turns out that his finger muscles are fine but his hand muscles are weak. His upper body strength is, she stated, phenomenal, but his core strength very poor. He is what we used to call double jointed.

The clumsiness and difficulties with dressing are commonly associated with learning difficulties, some children are dyspraxic, others have shades of this and a bit of that.

All children are different but if you can get someone knowledgeable and supportive to test him, explain it all and provide helping tools and techniques, you will be able to understand your boy so much better.

I self referred to an OT and out of all the specialists, she has been the most helpful.

Doesn't surprise me re. the fine motor difficulties either - he may have dyspraxia. It's quite common for it to go hand in hand with e.g. Asperger's or ASD. My niece has Asperger's and dyspraxia. And an incredibly adult vocabulary and way of talking, which is another "symptom".

All starting to look like a referral/diagnosis might help you and your DS - not so much for any state help you might get, but because understanding it means that you can get better guided help for how to deal with the behaviours, and there are many support groups out there to connect with, who can also offer sympathy, strategies and support.

Hugs OP. I read your thread last night and i really felt for you. You sound like you really need some help. I also think it is possible your DS could have ASD issues. Our youngest DS has a diagnosis of High functioning autism/aspergers and sounds very similar to your DS. Lots of similarities. I adore DS but flipping heck he is hard work, drives me insane and going anywhere can be a nightmare. He was diagnosed at 3.5. He was a very demanding toddler-we could not leave him unattended at all. He is now nearly 8 and is much easier in so many ways but everyday we have to over emphasise the skills we want him to improve on and it is a constant learning curve. I am only repeating what everyone else has said but maybe do some research. Ask for a meeting with the school senco and express your concerns. Then go to your GP and ask for a referral for an assessment. I had so much help on the sn boards over the years, mn has been a great source of help. Good luck

Yep

My son has great fine motor skills - Lego etc, but poor pencil grip, and what used to be very slow, laboured and effortful writing

Back

I just wanted to comment on your last post. I know what you are trying to say, but for me 'the worst' is not having a child with SN, but not understanding your child and feeling helpless and annoyed with them.

If the path to understanding means realising they have SN, then that's a a good thing, IMO

Partyringer, I am glad if it helps. You would probably think I'm horrible if you'd seen me with him some days. God he could press my buttons and everything was a battle. Wearing socks, wearing underpants, refusing to take his wellies off, eating the dogs dinner, weeing in the video player, hurting his sister. Some of it sounds funny now but honestly I think I came close to losing it with him on more occasions than I like to remember. I think the only thing that stopped me was that I realised if I didn't keep in control I would probably kill him. I always said if he had been the first he would have been an only child. Can you imagine how I felt last year when he graduated with a 1st, I was amazed that we had got there and it was such a lovely day.

Good luck to everyone struggling with demanding children, it isn't easy but nothing worthwhile ever is. If I can give one piece of advice it is to be kind to yourself, its not your fault and if anyone offers help then take it. A friend of mine used to visit one evening a week, he loved her and she would play with him and get him ready for bed while I cooked a meal and sat in the kitchen and had a civilised couple of hours. Those two hours kept me going, she could never believe how much it helped.

Have you thought of Sensory Processing Disorder? Sounds as though it might be that - a book called the out of synch child is a good place to start.

grannytomine, I'm another one saying thanks for your post! My son is incredibly stubborn, demanding, and exhausting.

Absolutely yes to the undeserved praise! When I praise him in an attempt to continue 'good behaviour', he just puts his hands over his ears and tells me to stop it.

(He is also lovely in lots of ways)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be really hard for you to acknowledge this and the fact you're doing that really shows what a good parent you are, in my opinion. Many people's pride would get in the way of addressing the issue.

If I were you I would seek help from a child psychologist, I really would. Maybe he could get help with alternative outlets for his emotions.

Sorry havent got time to read whole thread so apols if someone else has already picked up on this but the sensory senstitivties and sleep difficulties ring alarm bells for ASD with me. My dd has behaved very similarly at times (for long stretches) to your DS - her worst year by far was Reception - and she now has dx's of autism and ADHD. I'd go to gp and get referral to paeds/CAMHS and get in the system ASAP since you can be waiting a v long time for any assessments or help.

I really do understand the way you feel but you are stigmatising him and it is not his fault he is different from your friends' kids - he is very little and needs your help.

Wide, thank you so so much for posting your message. You've put into words so many things I struggle with DD with and haven't been able to explain to others who only see her 'public' charming with a dash of precocious persona. I've been feeling like I'm going mad recently, questioning my parenting. Do I come down heavy or take the soft and gentle approach, am I just a woefully inadequate parent? How to I limit the negative impact she has on her older brother etc. Going round and round in circles, basically, feeling at the end of my rope. Your post has made me feel less alone and that's huge progress. If you'd like to pm me so we can support each other directly, please feel free xxx