To think some children are just horrible?

[Wideeyedcarrrot]

And ds is one of those children.

I don't know what's gone wrong, it must be my fault but I've done my best. He's always been difficult. He wants smiley and cheery like other people's babies and toddlers. He was miserable and did nothing but scream. He never slept. He still doesn't eat very well as certain textures and smells make him sick. He's very demanding of my time. And now all he wants to do is fight. He's very aggressive and unpleasant, he has a superior attitude and always wants to be the best. He's unkind to other children, putting them down and being spiteful. We've been out with a friend today. Her children walked around the farm park enjoying themselves and looking at animals like normal children. Mine wanted to race, to spot the animals 'first' to crow that he'd seen something before them. He can't just be like other children. He doesn't appreciate anything, he's obnoxious and rude.
It ended in him (purposefully although he claims it was an accident) running over a toddler whilst he was on a pedal tractor. I don't think he meant to actually knock the child over but he was chasing after him whilst riding the tractor so it was bound to happen. I just couldn't quite get there in time to stop it even though I was shouting at ds to stop.
I took ds off the tractors, told him off, made him sit out and watch. He wasn't allowed anything from the gift shop (I'd originally said he could spend his pocket money) and there won't be any football tonight or tomorrow.
I can barely even look at him. Why would be behave like that to a little child? No one has ever been mean to him. That's how psychopaths start, by picking on those weaker than them. He constantly has to be pretending to fight, always got a stick in his hand pretending it's a gun. The behaviour disgusts me, I don't want him anywhere near me at the moment although I'm trying not to show it because I'm so annoyed about the tractor incident. I'm trying to calm down.
What has gone so badly wrong? Why is he such hard work? He can't relate to people properly. Well no actually he can. When he chooses to or when he wants something. He's very manipulative.

I wonder if it's because he's an only child but so am I and I never had trouble relating to other children. And I know other people with only children and their dc aren't like ds. He always wants more, he's never satisfied with anything. Never grateful for anything.

Is this something I've done or Aibu to think some children are just more difficult than others? My friend didnt once have to speak to her children about their behaviour. I'm constantly on edge with ds waiting for him to do something he shouldn't. Earlier in the day he'd been 'pushing' my friend's dd on the swing. Except actually he'd been thumping her in the back and trying to push her off and again I had to go and intervene. I just cannot understand why he does it, where is this nasty behaviour coming from?

I will add my DS I mentioned ^^ also has HFA/AS. Well actually he's not dx yet - assessment next month but clinical psychologist referred him based on email from me and 30 minutes in his presence!

It's just a whole different way of parenting. Stressful at times but also very rewarding.

Playing Devil's advocate here OP, another view might be that your ds is an independent, strong minded child who knows what he wants and goes out to get it. He seems to be able to work with, and relate to other children at school since from what you say, the school do not see him as a problem.

I've tried giving him fish oil (he won't eat fish) to see it that helps his behaviour but it hasn't made any difference yet.
I find it hard because it is so constant. I literally don't know where to begin. I feel like I'm telling him off for being him. I gave him clear expectations before we went out today as sometimes that helps but not on today's outing.
He does a lot of fake laughing and flinging himself about too. Just completely over the top.

If we have a play date I usually so a structured activity or go out as ds is better outside as someone mentioned up thread but it's very wearing having to constantly put up with ds telling the other child 'I'm better than you' and if I praise the other child for anything or even really show any interest at all ds just cannot cope. His behaviour gets worse and worse.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

A jealous stage is also completely normal - we all expect it when younger siblings arrive, but only children or youngest children also do it when their parents are noticing other children. It helps us if I just say quietly to the jealous child "are you feeling jealous?" not judging, not angry, just an open question. And they almost always say "yes", and then I focus on them closely for a bit, and then can open up my attention to other children again, but with the jealous child feeling secure this time.

Guns isn't a problem - I know so many crunchy hippy mamas who do no screens, no plastic guns or swords, and their children are still fashioning quarterstaffs for themselves out of sticks in the woods. I think it is inevitable (we are tool making apes, after all) and again just needs supervision and careful direction so noone gets hurt badly.

He is NOT a fussy eater or a bad sleeper IMO. He has sensory processing issues, which mean that his diet is limited by the textures and flavours he can cope with, and which mean that sleep can be elusive and disturbed. Support him through it - the eating palette will widen just like the sleeping has eased, when he is developmentally able to cope with it (I've seen the most extraordinary broadening of menu choices in children around 9-12 years old who have had very limited diets). Use supportive language when you describe it to other people and when you think about it yourself. And imagine how it is for him. A texture and taste that seems ordinary to you might be the equivalent in sensory challenge for him of you trying to eat sheeps eye balls for the first time. Please be compassionate.

With the fish oil you might need to give am increased dose for 3 months then reduce it. The brain really does need to be bombarded with it at first, and sometimes thereafter.

All the women I know who have challenging children with spectrummy traits say that life got lonelier and lonelier from about 2 years old onwards as all the normal families became impossible to hang out with. And then eventually, they found other families who have similar children. Then it's possible to build relationships with parents who totally get it, and for the children to learn to socialise successfully with other children who will be getting it "wrong" a lot. And yes, there are still meltdowns galore, but at least there's only a 50/50 of it being your child who has just done something outrageous.

Wideeyed - am so sorry that I have no helpful suggestions cos everyone has already said it ^^ but just to let you know that I m not judging you - I have two boys and one was definitely harder work than the other - there is a personality thing that comes into play - it was evident from a very young age with mine - it does sound like things are really difficult for you though, and like someone up thread said, it might be something you want to get checked out xx

Thanks I will persevere with the fish oil. He's not keen so it's an effort to get him to have it.

I think I will make an appointment to speak with his teacher and see if she has any ideas. Next stop gp I suppose. I just keep thinking 'what if this is just how he is and we can't do anything to help him?'

OP I haven't RTFT but two things come to mind - lots of the early stuff you mention is very common in ASD children and also in children with severe milk allergies. I'd start by entirely cutting dairy from his diet for a month and seeing if his behaviour improves. If that doesn't work, have him assessed for ASD or find an ed psych who can look at his behaviour across the board.

Were there any difficulties at birth?

You sound like a good mum who doesn't get why he is this way. It's very hard to stay positive about a child who is constantly difficult. Do you have any pleasant times with him? 1-to-1 time, perhaps, or when he's sleepy at night?

Would be seriously thinking about going to the doctor and asking for a referral for asessment for ASD.

It's :( you're so down on your own son.
90% of it sounds like attention seeking. A negative spiral or bad habit, however you want to look at it.

I have one who has never been described as delightful or good-as-gold and never would be. Who has problems everywhere he goes and had no friends for years. He's the sort of kid the other parents tut-tut about, and staff once said (more or less) that it was my fault that he was an ill-disciplined brat. He gets kicked out of clubs and asked to leave activities.

Mine isn't horrible. You Have to Praise wherever you can and use humour to defuse tense situations and emotions he finds difficult. You're doing nothing for your sanity or your son if you only see negatives and only respond to negatives.

The first and IMO, most difficult, hurdle is acceptance
This is how he is. There will be no easy fix
Once you have got the acceptance you need to try and create an environment in which he can cope
If I set out expectations prior to an outing my ds would fail. The stress would be too great.

Can you get the EYEQ granules that can be sprinkled under the tongue?

I am sorry you are having such a hard time OP. What you are describing does sound very tough. I would second what others say here about checking out the possibility of SN. What stood out for me was when you said that certain textures and smells make him sick. That does sound like you may be dealing with undiagnosed AS to me. Take care

fake laughing and flinging himself about

Yep, I get that from DS too. What I have started doing now he's older is responding or acting how he does. So he tells me something slightly amusing I fling myself about laughing hysterically. Often he'll ask why with a then it opens up a dialogue about how his reacts that way, so therefore I think he likes that sort of reaction. Then about how he has gone so he has to understand that's why others react to him that way.

What's your DS like competitively if he loses? That was a real difficulty because my DS wanted to be competitive - or rather was because he didn't know to communicate but didn't react well to losing. Never full on meltdowns but would give up race, change rules, basically manipulate the whole environment and everyone in it around him to meet the outcome he felt should be achieved.
So I started playing competiveness with him. But I never allowed him to win as most parents would. I constantly challenged him because he needed to learn through practice what his words meant, that if he said "race you to that tree" everyone would just run to the tree. They didn't want "stop" because he wasn't winning, change of rules etc. He needed to feel those emotions and the dispair of constant rule changes to empathise how he made other feel.

Asking for ELSA support is a brilliant idea. My DS has been having sessions now for 1.5 years and it's made a difference. He's still socially and emotionally about 6yo (he's 10) but has finally started to interact with others - even though he doesn't get it right yet.

I feel for you op.
But definitely try and get him assessed. sounds like he haa some issues. Does he listen to you at all? Have you looked up oppositional defiant disorder?

hope things improve for you.

*has

Oooh I don't know - I will look for the granules.

He was very slightly prem and was an emergency c section because he was breach. He was in distress when I went into labour. He then had a slight tongue tie so never fed. I expressed for him for four months instead.

One to one with me he's ok if he's engaged with something. He isn't destructive and is very careful with his things. He finds it hard to play on his own and actually other adults tend to find him great but this is because they make allowances for him being competitive and generally accommodate what he wants to do.
The main problem I suppose is other children who he seems to view as a threat.

Wideeyed, I just wanted to ask how you are? It must be a real shock to see so many people suggesting you should see about having your child assessed. I think you're taking it really well and I just want to say from all of us mums - we're here for you.

Just caught up with the thread and seen that lots of people have suggested ASD. DS2 was exactly the same as a baby/toddler. Never slept, never ate, screamed all the time. I was shattered and had bonding issues at first (gone now - I adore every molecule of him!) And DS1 (also ASD but not dx as he copes so well) was full on at all times. I used to feel guilty that I enjoyed his company better when he was ill, as it toned him down so much.
It is exhausting. And yes, friends ebb away. It can be very lonely. But it can also be fantastic. The exuberance and energy and different way of looking at the world - if you can capture the positive aspects of these, they are very rewarding.

He hates losing. He's got better as losing some things but others he just cannot cope.
If we play football and I dare to score a goal (even if he's winning) he'll say 'I'm useless you've got twenty goals and I've got nil.' Then he'll stop playing properly and just aimlessly kick the ball at a snail's pace. If I dare to beat him he's absolutely distraught.
He is an utter perfectionist but to the point where he'd rather not try or give up than fail so this is not a positive.

I agree. You need to go to the gp and ask for referrals. You need to have a comprehensive assessment that takes place over a period of time.

You would also benefit from support yourself to learn different strategies and techniques in dealing with him.

My children both have autism and the younger also has adhd. I am not attempting to diagnose your child. I only say that because I have had to educate myself on how to best meet their needs, to understand them and to be the parent that fits them, iyswim. I can't tell you how important that is.

But yes, please please have him assessed in case there is anything that can be identified to help understand his behaviour and give you an idea of how best to manage him.

No I'm quite glad people aren't saying I'm overreacting.