To think some children are just horrible?

[Wideeyedcarrrot]

And ds is one of those children.

I don't know what's gone wrong, it must be my fault but I've done my best. He's always been difficult. He wants smiley and cheery like other people's babies and toddlers. He was miserable and did nothing but scream. He never slept. He still doesn't eat very well as certain textures and smells make him sick. He's very demanding of my time. And now all he wants to do is fight. He's very aggressive and unpleasant, he has a superior attitude and always wants to be the best. He's unkind to other children, putting them down and being spiteful. We've been out with a friend today. Her children walked around the farm park enjoying themselves and looking at animals like normal children. Mine wanted to race, to spot the animals 'first' to crow that he'd seen something before them. He can't just be like other children. He doesn't appreciate anything, he's obnoxious and rude.
It ended in him (purposefully although he claims it was an accident) running over a toddler whilst he was on a pedal tractor. I don't think he meant to actually knock the child over but he was chasing after him whilst riding the tractor so it was bound to happen. I just couldn't quite get there in time to stop it even though I was shouting at ds to stop.
I took ds off the tractors, told him off, made him sit out and watch. He wasn't allowed anything from the gift shop (I'd originally said he could spend his pocket money) and there won't be any football tonight or tomorrow.
I can barely even look at him. Why would be behave like that to a little child? No one has ever been mean to him. That's how psychopaths start, by picking on those weaker than them. He constantly has to be pretending to fight, always got a stick in his hand pretending it's a gun. The behaviour disgusts me, I don't want him anywhere near me at the moment although I'm trying not to show it because I'm so annoyed about the tractor incident. I'm trying to calm down.
What has gone so badly wrong? Why is he such hard work? He can't relate to people properly. Well no actually he can. When he chooses to or when he wants something. He's very manipulative.

I wonder if it's because he's an only child but so am I and I never had trouble relating to other children. And I know other people with only children and their dc aren't like ds. He always wants more, he's never satisfied with anything. Never grateful for anything.

Is this something I've done or Aibu to think some children are just more difficult than others? My friend didnt once have to speak to her children about their behaviour. I'm constantly on edge with ds waiting for him to do something he shouldn't. Earlier in the day he'd been 'pushing' my friend's dd on the swing. Except actually he'd been thumping her in the back and trying to push her off and again I had to go and intervene. I just cannot understand why he does it, where is this nasty behaviour coming from?

I think u do need to look at your relationship - you sound caring but not really liking your DC and he knows it - all look at me - what about me... I think u need to smoother him with all the affection u have and let him know that u will/ are his rock. He knows that u watch his every move and the second u take your eyes off him he does something to get it back. Start acknowledging his feelings and show him that u are allowed to have feelings for others without lessening the feelings for him.

No no don't worry :) Fast moving thread. Nice to know someone else is on the same thought track!

You need support OP, because I think this has been going on for so long you cannot see the wood for the trees. This is not a criticism, I am just acknowledging how difficult and exhausting this situation must be.

I am pleased you are going to speak to his school and GP. I agree getting referred to cahms would be very wise. Has he ever been referred to an ENT consultant? I think this may be quiet a useful thing if only to eliminate the possibility of some common childhood problems (poor hearing, enlarged adenoids/tonsils etc) which sometimes result in a few of the problems you have described your son as having.

Best of luck

I think Jackie was saying they felt there was nothing to gain for them. Not that assessments are worthless in all cases.

I only ignore the behaviours when acknowledging makes them worse. Debating with ds over him being good at something or not is painful. So he'll say 'I'm useless at X' and if I disagree he digs his heels in further. If I agree with him he'll say 'no I'm not' and laugh so it's definitely for effect sometimes.

He was on the late side of normal to walk (15 months) and never crawled properly (commando crawled). Talking and potty training were both pretty much bang on average.

He is a terrible perfectionist. He would sooner not try if he thinks he might fail. When he was learning to talk I'd hear him whispering to himself and it was as though he was practicing before speaking to anyone else.

He used to have issues with sounds too - at 4 he'd stand in noisy places (like soft play) with his hands over his ears, gently rocking. School seems to have stopped that and sounds no longer seem to be such a problem.
When tired he shakes his head from side to side frantically. He's always done this. It's less frequent now but he still does it on occasion.

I have only skim read the thread, actually, but OP - I just wanted to say you seem so very convinced that this is all your fault, when I actually think that is very unlikely. Yes our children pick up habits and behaviours from us, but when it's on this kind of scale, it's just not - it is his personality and outlook, which you can't change. What you can change is how you react to it, and I'm certain that when you get the proper support and find the right way of speaking to him (literally or figuratively), the whole atmosphere within the family will change.

I really don't think you have caused this. Please don't think that.

Oh PLEASE read the Too Loud Too Tight book! I think it will speak absolute volumes to you. It's not going to diagnose your child with anything but I am almost certain that you will immediately understand him 10x better.

Op can you copy and paste your posts from this thread to use if you decide to seek outside support. Also to print and read when you've had a better day. You might find it useful?

Sorry op just to say this sounds exactly like my older brother when we were kids my mum had a nightmare with him. He is now incredibly successful in his chosen career (which the family puts down to his utter ruthlessness) he is also a throughly nice guy (now;-) & just got married to a lovely (very patient ;-) girl.

Could you try ways of getting him to think about other people? Eg Making packs up for the homeless & distributing them, food bank umm other volunteering I can think of anything else right now. getting him to do something for someone else, thinking about how others feel and how his actions can make other people feel. He's old enough to start developing a social conscience.

Does your DS play any computer games? I found them useful for my DS's in several respects. I liked the fact that my DSs enjoyed them so much. I could use the threat of no computer games to get them to behave. It worked a hundred times better than other punishments. I also liked the fact the games wouldn't 'cheat' and couldn't be 'cheated' iyswim. My DS's had to play them properly. If they got angry with the games then they would be banned from that game for a while. I honestly think they helped them learn to control their emotions in a safe home environment.

I also liked the fact that the games were imaginative and playful. I know my DCs enjoyed the gambling aspects in some games (Mario Party etc).

Before anyone starts on about computer games being evil etc - they are only evil if you don't control them properly. I was extremely strict with timings and with the games they played. At 5 or 6 then I would get age appropriate games.

There were also plenty of games where you can play alongside your DS rather than in compitition with him. Eg With some versions of MarioCart one player can be the driver and one the drivers partner and you both have to work together to beat the computer.

That all sounds really hard OP and I really respect your honesty. My dd2 has always been 'high needs'. She still sleeps really badly at almost nine and still tantrums like a two year old. I totally get the feeling of loving, but also disliking your child.

After an evening of no sleep I am often already 99% annoyed and it only takes one little thing to push me over the edge and lead to me massively over punishing for something minor. I sometimes feel permanently on the brink. It becomes a cycle of negativity and guilt.

The recent turning point for me has been to acknowledge that she is not doing any of this on purpose just to wind me up or manipulate me. She truly lacks the skill to manage her own feelings and is genuinely scared at night. Talking to her more and comforting her more has really helped.

I have always told her I love her constantly, but I did often used to say negative things to her such as 'you spoil every evening' or 'we can't enjoy anything because of you' or 'no one else behaves like you'.I don't do this now and I try not to moan about her to other people as I have found this allows them to pile on too and I should be the protector of my child, not the one who slags her off!!! I have found this little change has helped lots.

Your little boy sounds like he also finds the world a confusing place and he does not yet have the skills to manage it. You also sound like you could do with a break and some rest to gather the strength for the journey ahead. I really feel for you, but you are not alone. Lots of people have children who find the world challenging, just not all of them are open about it.

Haven't read the whole thread, but my friend had a DS like this. He was big for his age and would push other kids around, pinch them, shout and scream and be horribly demanding. We all used to hate him coming out with us anywhere.

He is now 20 and lovely; he slowly grew out of his nasty behaviour so I'd try not to worry too much. Your DS probably plays up more when there are other children around because he's not the centre of attention. Make sure you discipline him for his bad behaviour (as it seems you are) and praise him for the good stuff.

Push for a referral. Agree with other posters that there seems to be sensory issues. Best thing that came out of my ds referral was masses of support from a specially trained hv/social worker who whole purpose was to work on the relationship between ds and his family. She helped him make sense of his feelings and helped me put things in place.

Biggest thing u can do right now is to make 30 mins each night where u sit and cuddle him. I read to ds or watch TV if he isn't in a reading mood. Even.if it's been a nightmare day and he's been awful it allows me to reconnect with him

Try raising a spirited child, a book. Really helpful with my ds2 who is definitely spirited. Non patronising ideas and helpful in understanding their perception of the world. For a long time I thought ds2 was going to end up in a young offenders institute. Not now. He's seven.

I've read some of these replies with dismay. I think people whose children are not like this assume you must be doing something wrong. You are not. I know how it feels to try every single thing you can think of, with no effect. We've done the lot, including family therapy (twice). I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions - but don't feel alone. I have three sons - one of them is like this, the other two are not.
I just keep telling myself it isn't going to be like this for ever.

Can I ask you OP (because many bare suggesting praise as the answer) - what's your DS like with praise?

I ask with a specific idea in mind - but I won't say until you answer in case I'm wrong! as not to sway you to think along the lines of my comments.

I agre with Bertie about the Too Fast Too Tight book - I have a bookshelf of books I ordered when I didn't know what to do with DS1, and this was far the most helpful.

Here's a link to it on Amazon:

Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight

Thank you. I will look at the too loud too fast book.
I've read raising a spirited child.

Re praise - it makes little difference. Generally ds either doesn't acknowledge it at all or he'll say 'no it isn't good' or 'no I haven't done well.'

My DS reacts to praise with negative behaviour too. For example if sitting nicely and playing cars and then doing the 'nice playing' praise - you know the random positives your recommended to acknowledge?
My DS would suddenly start going wild smashing the acts into each other etc.
I've since had it explained as not knowing to how to react to the expression as much as the reminders about appropriate behaviour not sticking.

Has he had any major upheavals recently? Is his father still around?

No, no major upheavals. He's always been disagreeable really!
His dad is on the seen but does work away a lot. Two weeks a month he isn't here.

Bloody hell - on the scene!

Am sending you a pm