To think some children are just horrible?

[Wideeyedcarrrot]

And ds is one of those children.

I don't know what's gone wrong, it must be my fault but I've done my best. He's always been difficult. He wants smiley and cheery like other people's babies and toddlers. He was miserable and did nothing but scream. He never slept. He still doesn't eat very well as certain textures and smells make him sick. He's very demanding of my time. And now all he wants to do is fight. He's very aggressive and unpleasant, he has a superior attitude and always wants to be the best. He's unkind to other children, putting them down and being spiteful. We've been out with a friend today. Her children walked around the farm park enjoying themselves and looking at animals like normal children. Mine wanted to race, to spot the animals 'first' to crow that he'd seen something before them. He can't just be like other children. He doesn't appreciate anything, he's obnoxious and rude.
It ended in him (purposefully although he claims it was an accident) running over a toddler whilst he was on a pedal tractor. I don't think he meant to actually knock the child over but he was chasing after him whilst riding the tractor so it was bound to happen. I just couldn't quite get there in time to stop it even though I was shouting at ds to stop.
I took ds off the tractors, told him off, made him sit out and watch. He wasn't allowed anything from the gift shop (I'd originally said he could spend his pocket money) and there won't be any football tonight or tomorrow.
I can barely even look at him. Why would be behave like that to a little child? No one has ever been mean to him. That's how psychopaths start, by picking on those weaker than them. He constantly has to be pretending to fight, always got a stick in his hand pretending it's a gun. The behaviour disgusts me, I don't want him anywhere near me at the moment although I'm trying not to show it because I'm so annoyed about the tractor incident. I'm trying to calm down.
What has gone so badly wrong? Why is he such hard work? He can't relate to people properly. Well no actually he can. When he chooses to or when he wants something. He's very manipulative.

I wonder if it's because he's an only child but so am I and I never had trouble relating to other children. And I know other people with only children and their dc aren't like ds. He always wants more, he's never satisfied with anything. Never grateful for anything.

Is this something I've done or Aibu to think some children are just more difficult than others? My friend didnt once have to speak to her children about their behaviour. I'm constantly on edge with ds waiting for him to do something he shouldn't. Earlier in the day he'd been 'pushing' my friend's dd on the swing. Except actually he'd been thumping her in the back and trying to push her off and again I had to go and intervene. I just cannot understand why he does it, where is this nasty behaviour coming from?

Tbh I'd say there is no harm going through the school. They need to be onside with any developmental concerns and therapies you have and want to trial

What a sad post. It's so frustrating when kids behave like this and it really doesn't help when everyone else's DC seem so well behaved.

The fact that he is good at school is really good. I don't think it's unusual not to have particular friends at that age.

How is his sleep? Sleep was by far the biggest factor effecting my DCs behaviour.

Are there some activities you can do with him where he is better behaved? Swimming or some type of sport. Is he better in more organized situations with clearer rules. Does he do better with shorter activities? I think farm visits with other kids might test a lot of parents and kids.

I used to try and bore my DCs into submission - we would discuss 'good behaviour' on our way to an activity. I'd get them to give examples of good and bad behaviour and get them to tell me what, in particular, they are going to try to address. I'd also be crystal clear about punishments (and praise). They were mostly well behaved

I think 5/6 year olds can be very irritating and self absorbed - wanting to be the best at things is very typical. I don't think its unique to only kids far from it

Good luck OP. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

No friends could be another indicator for being somewhere on the spectrum. He might be quite happy playing his own sort of fantasy games. He might reach boiling point quickly and misunderstand other children's games as being a bit aggressive/unfair.

Hoping that someone who knows a bit more about autism will come along and give you some advice. Still not saying it is for sure, just that it might be something you consider if the school has noticed other behaviour.And this doesn't mean he isn't loving or doesn't want to play with other children or lack empathy, it can be quite the opposite. It just means he finds it all a bit confusing and will need an eduacational psych and possibly some friendship interventions...

I wonder if some sort of tai Kwon do would be good for him.
I think you are a wonderful Mum recognising a problem and not minimising it.

Does he show you affection. Does he laugh, chat, cuddle with you and his dad?

I agree with Long OP. You've gone totally overboard on punishing hi four times.

No gift shop would have been ample...but he's FIVE! It's very very small still.

Lots of DC are terribly competative...terribly thoughtless and even odd at this age.

Just thinking about one element of your post. Ds has the ludicrous competitive thing going on at 4. We didn't have this with dd (and my friend had a competitive dd so not necessarily a girl boy thing). We see most of it with his sibling so maybe he's just taking longer to work it through.

My son is 3.5 & if I'm honest I sometimes feel like this and I could have written this post last week! (& the nursery don't recognise tge child i talk about either!) But ... I too get into a negative cycle, over punish & criticise. It's really really hard to not compare my son to my friends placid children but he has a different personality & we need to accept & embrace (I know, I know this is ALOT easier said than done).

Instead of looking at it negatively that he will be a psychopath think these are qualities that will be useful in the future & could even help him to prosper - competitiveness, stubbornness etc and we have to accept & guide these personality traits.

Like I say it is so much easier to give this advise than to do it myself!

Remember you have had a really bad day today. Everything always seems to be magnified when you are already angry and upset. Tomorrow look at your original post again and try and spin them into something positive..... getting to the animals first = excitement not competitiveness. loner = independent/intelligent. Sticks/guns = typical small boy behaviour (out of interest- how does he know about guns?). If you still feel worried then go to the doctors.

It can be very common for children to be able to cope at school then let it all hang out when theyre at home to the extent parents and teachers can both think they are talking about different children.

There are quite a few things that concern me in your opening post and thats the way you speak of him being a loner, plus the sensitivity to food to the extent smells make him sick, not sleeping. There are other things you say that also concern me but I think those 3 are enough to make me say - please think about getting your son referred to CAMHS.

hth

Ahhhhhh and for such an open post.

I can empathise totally. My DS was like this and still is in some ways although he's 10 now.

This stems from the inability to interact with others successfully. He doesn't know how. The compete ends is an attempt at conversation. "I bet you can't climb this tree" replaces "would you like to climb this tree with me".
The chasing is an attempt at playing but the impulsivity is there and forward planning is not.
It hard your the helicopter parent who everyone thinks should relax and let them learn - whilst you know they don't.

My suggestion would be to try some social stories with him. I use these a lot with DS.

My DS also wouldn't and won't engage in anything that doesn't interest him. So again rather than stand quietly and have a conversation waiting for everyone to move on he'll turn it into a game. Reach you to.... Or his favourite - look at the map and plan everyone else's route!

Speak to the school SEnCo. Have a list of concerns. Eg a list of behaviours and incidents that concern you and see what they say. I'd also take those concerns to your gp.

I know right now you don't like the way your DS is behaving but try and seperate that from liking him.

Despite having a very similar child is in fact very smart and funny and kind - he just doesn't understand how to show that or read others expressions to know how to adapt his behaviour.

I do not believe children are born horrible but some are more difficult
My ds was heavy going and is now diagnosed ADHD and aspergers
You have to find acceptance and love. If you feel so negatively about him he will puck up on that
My ds couldn't cope with noisy play or lots of other children around so we did different things. It made our lives different to our friends lives and it has been a lonelier path but that's just the way it is

Look to create situations where he cannot do anything wrong, that's the principle behind love bombing but it wasn't called that when my ds was small
Natural environments suited my ds the most. Woods and rivers and not able to do much damage. I never bothered if he was muddy head to toe
Play was structured and kept short. If he had a class mate I would get them baking then out for a walk or something. He found free play difficult
Try to see his behaviour as him feeling overwhelmed by the environment rather than him being horrible. Find empathy, his life is going to be tough, much tougher that an easy going child who takes it all in his stride

Negativity begets negativity. Read your post again OP - and then ask yourself why he may be behaving in such a difficult manner?

If you want him to be different you have to be very, very different with him. Rather than thinking school are missing something, as some posters have suggested, perhaps we should be thinking that the difference is that school are approaching his behaviour from a different pov and so that in turn generates different returns? I think he is fighting, literally and figuratively for your approval and he isn't getting it because from babyhood he hasn't been what you thought your child would be. How does his father get on with him?

Another tip
If my ds wanted to do something that was not socially acceptable I looked for a way for him to do it in am acceptable way
It shows you accept them and teaches rules in a less confrontational manner
So when he started spitting, this one drove me crazy, I let him have a corner of the garden to see how far he could spit
Hitting, try a punch bag or punching through tightly held sheets of newspaper, this one is good for getting rid of frustrations

My12yo DS1 is just like this. He wants friends and to be popular but he can't manage it. He has ADHD and Aspergers which make social interaction tricky for him. My DS2 and DS3 don't have these issues so it hopefully isn't down to my parenting but is more an issue of poor social skills.

The crazily competitive thing (needing to be first out of the door, demanding to run a race and then melting down if they don't win, screaming because someone else got their shoes on first etc etc) is a normal normal normal developmental stage - I've mostly encountered it somewhere between 5 and 7. There isn't an easy solution. When with people who are willing to be kindly, you can say "X wants to race and win the race. Would that be ok with you? I know you are much faster than X really". Lots of children aren't willing to do pretend X wins races, and that's fine - then the race happens, and then you comfort X while they melt down (no need to judge or explain or anything, just hear their frustration), and then they dry their tears and go on with the day.

The sensory stuff and lack of easy socialising might suggest autistic traits. It's pretty common for children with autistic traits to manage to "pass" and hold it together at school, and then let it all get on top of them at home. I'd say 50-60% of our home education community is children who have some autistic traits who just need more guiding through learning all those social skills than most children need.

It's much easier to head things off at the pass when we are close by our children. If your Ds needs guidance in social situations, then helicopter him for a bit. Then you can step forward and redirect the tractor (he almost certainly just didn't register the possibility of bumping into a toddler - and you could equally wonder why the toddler is not being carefully supervised in a pedal tractor area rather than being a loose canon?)

It is frustrating that there are some children who just seem to get that whole docile, measured, socially savvy thing fast and other children take much longer - but what they need is loving close guidance rather than punishment while they learn the skills they need, IMO.

Thank you for not judging me.

The teacher said basically he can take or leave other children. He will join in sometimes on his terms I think but if they aren't doing what he wants he'll just leave them to it. He isn't aggressive at school as far as I know.

He's definitely worse when overexcited. He was excited to see my friend's children today but he can't seem to channel it into the right direction. He also hates me paying attention to any other child. For instance I said to friend's dd today 'your sandcastle is lovely' and despite saying the same to ds he immediately said 'mine's not as good' and kicked his castle over. This is quite typical behaviour too and very wearing. He's even been jealous of affection I've shown to the cat (you love the cat more than me, you think she's cuter than me).

Guns started when he went to school so I assume other children there are also 'playing' guns. Plus he likes Star Wars. I've stopped him watching it in case it was making his behaviour worse but so far it's made no difference.

He sleeps now but it was a long hard slog. He is still very fussy re eating but it is more than usual fussiness as certain textures (rice, pasta) and smells will make him physically sick and he has struggled with this at school as the smell of the dinners has made him physically sick twice.

Everything really is just such hard work. I try not to be on edge waiting for him to be difficult as I know it doesn't help but it's hard not to be.

I agree on getting him assessed.

My youngest has asd and I find myself on occasion getting into the negative cycle and he picks up on it.. It makes it worse. If you're at the point of over harsh punishments and not wanting to be around him then you've probably been stuck there for a while?

He'll pick up on it you don't like him much and that'll make his behaviour worse.

Do you praise him and have good times together?

I don't think it's because he's an only child and yes, I do think some children are more difficult than others!

In your shoes I would see what the school can offer. In our school children who challenge in this way (even if they only do it outside of school) would have sessions with the ELSA (Emotional Literacy support I think) which is talking things through and possibly also an appointment with the school nurse as a starting point. Our school also run parenting courses and would recommend you go on one of these, everyone I know who has been says they have picked up useful tips.

Good luck, you sound a lovely parent

No he was definitely aiming the tractor at the child. He gets a certain 'look' on his face when he's about to do something he knows he shouldn't. I can't really describe it, it's a belligerent almost aggressive look. I could see what he was going to do but I just couldn't quite get there. Unless I followed the tractor round all the time it was pretty difficult to prevent so I guess that will be an activity we won't be going again.

Don't beat yourself up, you come across as a loving and caring mum that is trying to do her best in a difficult situation

Lots of good advice on here, so I hope some of it works for you