To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

I feel sorry for the child but I certainly wouldn't want my children listening to that, so YANBU.

I can't imagine this child stood much of a chance. The parents must be vile. Sorry no advice it's just such a sad situation.

Well you won't be able to enforce that at school.
Does the child live locally?

It has been picked up from racist parents/family.
Although l am sure the child knows it to be wrong, she might not know the orrigins/connotation.

The child still needs educating about learning how to stop.

difficult one. I am amazed a 6yo says all that TBH. I can imagine them using foul racist names parrot fashion, copying their parents, not really knowing what they mean (hence using them for non ethnic children too) but all that "swim back to africa" etc, does surprise me. Kids usually have more empathy at the age of 6, and also they soon learn to moderate their behaviours/language to what is NOT accepted in school etc even if they do still talk like that at home for parental approval. I think I would monitor the friendship - ovboisuly you dont want your child thinking this is aceptable and joining in, but good examples can rub off on people too and it sounds like the child needs a few good role models!

Have you raised the issue with the teacher?

I've found my children have settled this themselves. They've had short spells when they've been friendly with children I "disapproved" of but it didn't take them long to realise that they didn't like them either and to stay away of their own accord. Most of their real friends come from families with very similar standards to ours - a wide variety of backgrounds, but a similar ethic, if that makes sense. So, my point is it's what they learn at home on these matters that really makes a difference and therefore, there's no real need to tell DD to stay away.

I'm amazed the school has allowed it to get so bad and continue for so long TBH. Any hint of racist language here is treated as a very serious issue indeed - more likely to bring a temporary exclusion than violence is.

Keep reporting to the school. I thought all racist incidents had to be logged and there must come a point when exclusion looms. Otherwise what's the point of school policies spouting protection for children if nothing gets done?

Sadly, this doesn't surprise me though - my BIL is horribly racist and his children do repeat it and share his disgusting attitudes. So much so that we are now pretty much non contact as i find it really upsettting and do not want my DD ever to think that sort of attitude is acceptable.

What exactly would your 'ban' look like at school, OP?

A refusal to answer to anything said by this child at playtime?

Refusal to work with the child in PE, Maths,etc?

What message are you giving YOUR child?

This child is 6 and getting the wrong messages from his/her parents. How exactly will social ostracism from other six year olds help here?

At 6, children know that what might be accepted at home won't be at school and vice versa. At 6 my son certainly knew that there was a difference between what I would tolerate and what his teacher would tolerate.

How exactly will social ostracism from other six year olds help?

By sending out the message we don't like racism, we don't like children who are unkind and nasty about children who don't have the same colour skin as us, by saying this is not acceptable, we will not listen to this.

No one likes a bully. If my children were being nasty about other children, I wouldn't be surprised if other children didn't want to play with them. :)

Hi everyone -

No one has ever ever ever seen these girls parents! It's always a childminder picking her up dropping her off and for the life of me no one even has seen them at a parents evening. The teachers have tried their very best this little girl just cannot shut up with her racist remarks stop.

It's so so sad I don't like playground politics but at the same time can a child really be racist? If an adult can believe black people need to "swim back to africa" then why not a child if that's the way they have been raised?

DH says its a tough world and maybe the kid doesn't need to be "taught a lesson" or "set a good example" and they actually genuinely don't like the black / Asian/ ethnic kids in the class.

He also made a very good point : "If a child can genuinely be tolerant without question why can't a child be genuinely intolerant ....for what ever reason? Good and bad people exist children being these incorruptible holier than thou beings is sensationalized rubbish"

he basically feels that even though this kid has been brain washed...it doesn't justify the end result which is filth coming out of their mouth daily.

I pesume that the school knows this? Which confuses me a little as Doc is right, all racist incidents are logged and yes the school can act on these things.

I would keep talking to the school about it.

I would teach my dd how to challenge her views. Loud and clear.

Not to stand by and ignore them.

Feenie I agree and i asked myself all these questions as I said in the post it does seem very controlling high handed mummy in many aspects but the filth that comes out of this childs mouth.....

Your school will have a racism policy, it`ll be in the school office for you to see.

All racial incidents must be recorded and reported by law. I would reinforce to your DD that what this kid says is wrong and that every time she hears this girl to report it to a teacher.

Kampeki I agree and I have and other kids do and will challenge this kid .... they really do not care this is a very balsy confident 6 year old :(.....I can't believe i am talking about a child like this....As i said in my post Kampeki I've already advised DD to never stand by and watch bullying and to say "thats not nice"....I'm proud to say all of the kids in the class are sick of this kid and are always telling them to be nice and stop saying mean things!! This kid is like no other I have ever seen...

we don't like children who are unkind and nasty about children

You sound lovely - this child is 6 and a victim of their parents' ignorance.

No one likes a bully

If you are seriously suggesting engineering a campaivn of social ostracism towards a 6 year old, then I would have to ask who is the bully here.

WombatStewForTea Of course we have had this conversation many times and all the kids thank God tell this kid to stop it she simply will not. The school have sent letters and called home. In terms of exclusion the teachers will not obviously discuss whats going on and why this kid never gets sent home...the parents of the victims have also said that this kids parents never turned up for the meetings planned to get to the bottom of it and the teachers have said there are special circumstances for why this kid has not been sent home

everyone
the school is very touchy about what they speak about regarding this kid and her racist behavior towards other children so everything I know is from the other parents who have been directly involved. The school has even sent around reminder emails about their code of conduct and has even gone a far to say in one newsletter that everyone's home is their home and you can say what you want there but please respect the schools rules.

All you can do is

(1) explain to your DD that this child uses words that are wrong and are never to be used by her
(2) never entertain this child in your own home
(3) encourage DD to play with nicer friends.

If she is as bad as you say, then the teachers will be aware and attempting to tackle it.

It's hard from the outside as a parent when you see "bad" children of useless parents being treated differently to the rest, but once you learn a little about what some children have to deal with on a daily basis it's amazing they are a "good" as they are.

It does sound like the school know the child needs to be in school more than most and that the racism might be far from the worst thing that goes on in that house.

TBH, the school shouldn't have told you as much as they have.

Are the school dealing with these incidents at all though? There are other sanctions they could use whilst keeping her in school. it's important so the other children see her being punished, as well as to teach her something.

and the teachers have said there are special circumstances for why this kid has not been sent home

Poor kid - Christ knows what their home life could be like

Let's add to that by encouraging a bunch of six year olds to make sure they know how disliked they are, eh, marmaladedandelions?

Poor child.

She is 6 and clearly not living in a great environment,now she's got parents telling their precious Angels to keep away from her incase they get contaminated.Your behaviour sounds no better.

My children have come across kids with less desirable views,behaviour and language.We have always trained them to say and do the right thing alongside helping said child to experience perhaps an alternative view.I trust my kids and they have never become racist,homophobic or Disabilist when being in contact with kids unfortunate enough not to understand derogatory language.

op, does your dd want to be friends with this child? Because from what you say it sounds as if the children themselves have taken against her behavior and are choosing to avoid her of their own accord.

I personally don't agree with banning children from speaking to anyone. Teach them the right values yes, and if they come home talking about the child then it is ok to say "that's not very nice," but the instant you start banning interactions you take away the child's ability to make those decisions/judgements for themselves. And sometimes it may even happen that your child becomes friends with a child you don't approve of. But all you can do is guide them.

The reality is that we all encounter vile people throughout life, both in the playground, the workplace, in our social lives in general, and we have to learn for ourselves what to put up with and what is not tolerable.

The school should be doing something about this child's behavior, but only they will be aware of the circumstances, perhaps she is in care? perhaps this is why the parents aren't present and where this behavior has come from? But for the parents to all collectively decide to mount a campaign against her makes the parents the bully and her the victim. And however vile she is now, she is a six year old child. No, not perfect, and yes, with the potential to develop into an incredibly unpleasant teen/adult if this behavior is left unchecked, however no-one can predict the future, and what is now unacceptable behavior could change in the next year, two, three, and how is your child supposed to recognise that people can change if you as a parent simply ban them from making their own judgements by banning interaction?