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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 13:48

Discounted but....what are you saying then...because I'm telling my DD to report it...stick up for those poor innocent kids and her many ethnic family members....but not engage with a child who is naughty and wants to say n and p all the time....

OP posts:
Discounted · 09/04/2015 13:51

I'm sorry,I don't understand the question OP. I'm, saying of course you need to take action but you don't do that by banning one 6yo talking to another 6yo.

As I said in a post very early on, if DD finds the girl's behaviour distressing she won't engage with her anyway.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 13:52

Micah I cannot fault the school they have done everything you have said this kid has even been in isolation the parents because of data protection and privacy do not want to go into details as to why this child has not been asked to leave and apparently she cannot be put into isolation indefinitely (which we don't want).

It's so sad to speak about a child like this....

I'm being 100% honest when I say that everything apart from suspension and exlusion has been done.

This kid will not budge!

One parent even told me yesterday that at a playdate she said to this child that in her house and school and when you get older at work you cannot say these naughty things but you and your parents can say what you want at home!

The kid then said she doesn't care and she doesn't like brown people and doesn't have to

OP posts:
Feenie · 09/04/2015 13:52

OP said she didn't mean silent treatment when child is being nice

No, however OP did mean a 'ban' if the child wasn't.

Banning your child from.speaking to any other child isn't acceptable behaviour either.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 13:57

I agree with you MaryNotPoppins, and also feel reassured that people would take a firm stance. Possibly even worse than being called the P word, is your friends or teachers making excuses for the behaviour - the people you expect to stand up for you.
If my sons came home and said they'd heard someone say that word my priority would be to reassure them that the word and attitude behind it was totally unacceptable and it's no reflection on their family rather than to encourage them to feel sorry for the perpetrators.

Discounted · 09/04/2015 13:59

So, if you believe the school have done "everything" they could have and the child won't budge, what do you expect to achieve from your ban?

If DD is only to be banned from talking to the child when she's being nasty, why is that necessary? If as you say, all the other children hate this behaviour, doesn't that just happen naturally - i.e. when she's being vile no-one wants to talk to her anyway? I'm sorry, I really don't understand your reasoning. I understand that you want to do something, but I don't understand why you think this is it.

Feminine · 09/04/2015 14:00

op l don't think it is necessary to keep repeating what the little boy is saying. We can read it in your opening post.

I understand that you are upset though.

zazzie · 09/04/2015 14:00

Op, why do you keep repeating what the girl said?

Feenie · 09/04/2015 14:00

Whoa - who is making excuses?!

What is mostly being said is that banning your 6 year old from speaking to another 6 year old is wrong. That's what the title asked.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 14:01

LePetitMarseillais I feel like you were speaking about what was happening as though it was wishy washy playground drama. Kids are being called n and p* love it's not easy to ask someone to play after they have insulted your aunty uncle and cousins who you love dearly! And yet DD and the rest of the class still have done it! But enough is enough if you read by OP this has been an ongoing problem and the kids and DD are finding it distressing. She doesn't want to not engage with her of course she wants to be friends with everyone thats the average nature of a 6 year old. It is me as the parent who is stepping in and saying look - stick up for who ever needs help, always report whatever you see to the teacher, but do not under any circumstances continue to engage with this child when she is being naughty*.....DD is 6 too she shouldnt have to police another childs behavior she deserves to go to school and have fun like everyone else.

As for the teachers I do not want you guys to think I am focusing on excluding and "bullying" a child...far from it...but because these are issues which specific kids the school doesn't see it appropriate to discuss it with kids you are not directly involved i.e the ones being called these offensive names so the parents speak among themselves.

As i've said circle time assembly newsletters the works have gone around...I guess there is something we do not know (which i have openly admitted) for as to why this kid is still in school. The teachers and governors will not elaborate on why she is still here.

To be very very clear If this child says sorry and wants to be nice DD can play with her she can come over for playdates the works! But i do think it's fair to say enough is enough do not engage this kid DD until she learns how to be nice!

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 14:01

Feenie - OP may have said 'ban' in the title but has since elaborated. Read the thread (as you said to me...)

areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 14:02

That's it IFinished I would be concerned that the victims , would think that they didn't have the support of teachers and friends. After all, the racist kid is invited to play dates and the teachers( in the victim's mind) appears to be doing very little.

Feenie · 09/04/2015 14:05

I asked you to read the title.

I've read the thread carefully, thanks, and the OP continues to say she wants her child to exclude the other when she isn't being 'nice'. I don't condone that behaviour either. Both children would only be repeating their parents' unacceptable views.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 14:05

Feenie I said ban her from speaking to a "racist child" if the child starts to behave properly then of course they can be friends...

And i understand what you guys are saying perhaps a "ban" isnt needed or a good word to use....I really do get it im not deluded ...

Can you understand me (and other parents)wanting my child to stay away from someone who cannot be trusted to not to say horrid things on a daily basis?

As adults do we not avoid people who we don't want to hear things from?

I'm not telling DD to ignore the kid if she says "can i borrow your pen" but if she says the N word she should report it to the teacher and refrain from playing with her that day

OP posts:
Mitzi50 · 09/04/2015 14:06

Does your DD actually want to play with her?

One particular child I taught springs to mind. The school did all the right things but her racist behaviour persisted (BNP family), over time most of the other children avoided her - I don't know if it was specifically because of her racist behaviour or because she was a bully in other ways. She also became less overt about her views because the older children began to call her on it in the playground.

wannaBe · 09/04/2015 14:09

op for someone who hates this language so much you seem to be using an awful lot of it on this thread. Hmm

Look it's very simple. it's ok to say to a child "if you don't like it then don't play with her." It's not ok to say "I don't like it, therefore you are not to play with her." how difficult is that to understand?

LaLyra · 09/04/2015 14:10

How long is it since the last sanction from the school? Are you 100% sure they are doing everything they can?

If you think the school are doing everything then I wouldn't start something like a ban. I'd discourage your children from spending too much time with her and to continue saying "That's not nice" and telling a teacher.

If the school are saying they are dealing with things, that sending the child home isn't an option (although at 6 that could simply be the parents refusing to collect her) and you believe them and the childminder is still bringing the child despite it being unusual both for neglectful parents (which any parent who refuses to work with the school on an issue that will see their child isolated is imo regardless of that issue) to pay for childcare and childminders to keep overly disruptive mindees then I'd assume social services involvement and would give them more time to sort it out. It's not that long til the summer, just a few months. Then the break. If the issue raises it's head again after the break then all of the other parents need to push the school more.

If you aren't convinced the school are doing what they can, or that they are not doing enough for all of the children, then contact OFSTED and social services.

It is a nightmare in a school when a child who is far safer at school becomes so much of a problem they really need excluded for the sake of the other children. It's a horrible balancing act sometimes.

cocobongo · 09/04/2015 14:10

Not sure why you suddenly want to write the words you claimed to be unable to in you OP. Particularly when you have now written several posts spelling them out.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 14:12

If all that's left for the school to do is exclusion then that's what must happen. Frankly, I don't care if the child's parents blame the victims and become more entrenched in their views. They say this kind of crap on the street they are committing a criminal offence. If they reinforce this kind of crap with their children then their children will end up doing the same. It is a crime to use this kind of language in public when you are an adult. It is completely unacceptable to use it at school.
Unpicking the racist mess that has got tangled up in someone's head takes time. A lot of time. But the starting point is that it is a crime to come out with this stuff in public.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 14:20

Exclusions, particularly permanent, are rare these days. Good for the child who is behaving badly. Not so good for the ones who have to put up with them.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 14:22

I don't think you can appreciate the gravity of the words when abbreviated.

Aridane · 09/04/2015 14:28

Wondering if anyone saying OP is unreasonable has ever been called a P or a N themselves? - yes, absolutely, I said she was being unreasonable and have been called a paki (middle eastern ancestry).

Bigredball · 09/04/2015 14:29

Yeah, you hate the language so much you're writing it in every comment Hmm.

Aridane · 09/04/2015 14:29

agree with the poster who said Look it's very simple. it's ok to say to a child "if you don't like it then don't play with her." It's not ok to say "I don't like it, therefore you are not to play with her." how difficult is that to understand?

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 14:34

Feenie Are you suggesting that DD should play with a child as they swear and fuss and moan about the P's and N's in the class?

OP posts: