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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
LadyIsabellaWrotham · 09/04/2015 13:07

It seems likely that the girl has learned fast that saying things like this is the easiest way to get attention at school. I'd guess (from the far end of a computer screen) that she's using this language not because she's a racist (although she may believe her parents' racist opinions) but because they make everyone else recoil in shock and she's using desperate measures to get people to react and acknowledge her. It's not an unusual behaviour pattern but it's unusual to use this particular method at six. It sounds very sad. But it doesn't sound as if she is in any danger of influencing the other members of the class.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 13:08

Errr the vast maj of the population including me find it vile thanks.Hmm

My dc have had to put up with sexist,homophobic,disabilist and extreme religious language often frequently over the years which they have found upsetting for a variety of reasons.All are vile however I have never instructed them to bully kids through silence and I have to say as much as their school drives me bats at time they have dealt with said issues in their own way and my dc have learnt a lot re tolerance and are lovely kids.

Also you don't speak for the school op.I'm sure the school are tired of it but I suspect they'll be tired of many things and many patterns of behaviour and will continue to endeavour to stop it and help said child alongside the rest of the children in the school.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 09/04/2015 13:09

However the children on the receiving end do need protecting, just as they would if an emotionally disturbed child was biting them.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 13:12

How do we know they aren't .

As much as the op likes to think she is privy to everything she won't be.For a start she isn't actually there 7 hours a day.

areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 13:13

It's not just about whether other children are influenced by this child. One must not forget that there are victims; who are also children.

Feenie · 09/04/2015 13:14

Errr the vast maj of the population including me find it vile thanks

Well, quite. No one is trying to minimise this behaviour or its effects, they are answering your thread title which asks if it's okay to teach your child a different kind of bullying behaviour in order to deal with it.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 13:15

There will be procedures being followed,private procedures.

zippey · 09/04/2015 13:22

Instead of keeping away from this vile child, have you thought about encouraging your child, using techniques, to call out this behavior when she sees it, and to stand up for the children on the end of the abuse?

The more people ignore her bad behaviour, the more she will think its acceptable to bully and the more people will be hurt. And one day, someone will not accept the abuse and will attempt to hurt this little girl.

A word with the childminder perhaps?

Feenie · 09/04/2015 13:27

Vile behaviour, ffs, not vile child. She is 6 years old.

Aridane · 09/04/2015 13:28

YABU - unless you think the behaviour will rub off on DD...

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/04/2015 13:28

This child is not a bad egg. No child is born with these views. They learn them from home. They must do. It's his parents that are at fault. He's only 6 just a baby, really.
Have the parents been brought in. They should be.
If he carries on like this after he turns 10, though he could find himself dealing with the law.
I hate the n word.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 13:30

You can't stop your child befriending a class mate that parrots rascism learned at home but you can teach you child what is acceptable and not let them anywhere near the racist home. Let the parroting child visit your home if you want. And ask the school what the hell they are playing at. It needs to stop now.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/04/2015 13:32

My goodness. I really have read it all, and here's me thinking I'm unshockable but I really did not expect to find any yabu on a thread where a mother does not tolerate racism and she doesn't want a get child to play with a child who had these views but like I said not the child's fault mind

areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 13:33

Exactly llive.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 13:35

Wondering if anyone saying OP is unreasonable has ever been called a P or a N themselves?
My sons look European but are a quarter Sri Lankan. When they're old enough to understand language like that they're going to realise it's a derogatory term for their grandad and that makes me very sad.
And having been the only non-white child in a primary school 30 years ago, I agree at some point the victim's needs need to take priority over the racist child. What message does it send to those children if the vile name calling is allowed to continue day after day, what damage will it do to their self-esteem?

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 13:37

Feenie, if ignoring bad behaviour is bullying, why hasn't Supernanny been called out for it?

Feenie · 09/04/2015 13:39

No one said 'ignoring' bad behaviour though, so your comment is daft. Read the thread title.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 13:40

And just so we're clear: if my dd came out with vile language like that learned from God knows where, I wouldn't expect everyone to be all diddums about her. I would expect her to be excluded immediately.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 13:43

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe Again, I'm not sure where you are coming from....If the kid is being of of course they can play but otherwise why should my kid have to police another kids actions all the time. This isn't a one off its everyday ongoing behavior and upsetting for DD to hear as well as all the other well raised tolerant children who don't want to see their classmates being called these offensive names x

OP posts:
Micah · 09/04/2015 13:45

Sparky I don't think I'd want a 6 year old coming out with this excluded.

I'd want her educated, the class educated, and a stop put to it. Excluding her, at 6, is just sending her back to her parents who while likely blame the exclusion on the ethnic minority children in the class, fuelling the situation.

School and class is the best place for her, around people who know this behaviour is wrong.

An older child who used it knowingly and with intent, then I agree.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 13:45

Ok, ignoring a child who is behaving badly and upsetting others to play with those who aren't. How is that bullying?
OP said she didn't mean silent treatment when child is being nice, but for DD to play with other children when child is being racist.

Discounted · 09/04/2015 13:46

No-one here has said the racism is OK or that it should be tolerated.

There has been some attempt to understand the miserable situation that he child must live in and advice to the OP that her proposed treatment of the "racist" child is unlikely to be effective and could be considered bullying in itself.

Of course "something" should be done, but there is never any situation in school that is best dealt with by parents ganging up on a child. If OP and other parents have already discussed it sensibly with school and there has been no improvement, then they should involve the governors until there is.

There's no point banning the DD from talking to the child. She will either ignore/forget the rule once she's at school or the teacher will(rightly) overrule it by telling her she needs to be kind to everyone.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 13:46

IFinishedTheBiscuits Thanks and well said....Sometimes it hurts me that racism is always seen as "their" problem....look at this thread....the majority of people are jumping to the defense of this kid....completely ignoring what it must be like being black, 6, and called a n*** and told your skin is dirty and to swim back to Africa....despite you being bored and raised in the UK which you see as your home.

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 13:47

School and class is the best place for her, around people who know this behaviour is wrong.

But it's not the best place for her for the kids on the receiving end - at what point are their needs taken into account?

Micah · 09/04/2015 13:48

Mary, what have the school done? Ours would be having whole school assemblies covering the subject, outlining consequences for children who used such language, and why it was so wrong. Theyd also be teaching children what they should do if they heard such language, giving them the tools to stop it and stand up for any bullied child.

It sounds like the school aren't doing much. Can you escalate it to the governors/lea/ofsted?