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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 14:35

It is for the school to deal with not the parents. If this child is still saying this stuff in class without full sanction then it is being normalised. The Governors, the LEA, ofsted need to step in . This school is not protecting children properly.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 14:37

wannaBe I didn't want to but some posters are acting like this girl was calling other kids smelly or annoying. Perhaps if you actually see N* and P** you'll understand the magnitude, crassness and offensiveness of the word. Some posters have disregarded the innocent kids on the end of this completely.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 14:38

are you on a bet to see how many times you can say it?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 14:38

totally crass

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 14:39

sparkysparkysparky - As a teacher on this thread has pointed out....some kids don't care...:(....She has been told and persists...

OP posts:
BigRedBall · 09/04/2015 14:39
areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 14:41

If she doesn't care , then she should be excluded. Simple

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 14:42

Mary, So they must exclude her. why make the rest of the class suffer?

duplodon · 09/04/2015 14:44

All six year olds are innocent, ffs. That brhaviour speaks to a lifetime of hate and coercion, they're only parroting at that age. Poor kid. I feel nothing but compassion for that horrible place they're in.

BigRedBall · 09/04/2015 14:45

Genuinely OP, why have you started this thread? In your OP you say you haven't had the child around and your child hasn't been exposed to their language, so why the chest beating and fake sad faces on your posts that are laden with racist terminology? Hmm.

duplodon · 09/04/2015 14:47

And the way to subvert racism and hate is to take the higher road. Empathy and compassion are the enemies of hate. Zak Ebrahim whose father was a terrorist and was taught to hate explains this here: www.ted.com/talks/zak_ebrahim_i_am_the_son_of_a_terrorist_here_s_how_i_chose_peace?language=en

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 14:48

If a 6 year old parrots rascism or sexually aggressive behaviour they have learned at home they cannot be wrangled in class, creating more victims. It will take a lot of work to fix and may never be fixed but the school has a duty of care to ALL the children

duplodon · 09/04/2015 14:53

I don't agree. Schools can be powerful mediators of change and support empathy and perspective taking on an ongoing basis. This has happened around the world in areas of conflict. Schools teach kids how to be in society. It's a perfect place to learn that this behaviour hurts. We have done lots of peer mediation and restorative justice in schools I have worked in. Much more effective in bringing about change and learning for all.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/04/2015 14:54

There is something about that this thread that just doesn't sit right.

wannaBe · 09/04/2015 14:54

op, I grew up in South Africa. There is nothing you can tell me about racism and the use of racist language.

Incidentally, I see that you have a very limited posting history, limited to this thread and one other post. So I suggest that either:

You are too gutless to put your actual posting name to your vile language,

or this entire thread is bullshit and is actually just an invention to see how many racist terms you can get away with using on a thread.

I vote for the latter.

And yes, I have reported. if this is true your constant use of racist language is unnecessary and uncalled for.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 14:58

wannaBe I'm not a child and do not believe that by not saying these words that I'm doing anyone any type of justice...PS....I'm not white Star

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:02

BigRedBall I'm not white....I'm not afraid to say these words which other posters have basically paid no attention to...they are very shocking to read right?? Imagine how shocking it is to hear these words at 6 years old....This is MN for adults I don't walk around the house using these words as i don't have to....However on this thread so many people have skimmed over the racist language being used in school and have been borderline obsessed with literally excusing this child's behavior as though the black kids and Asian kids do not matter. So i've started to outline to different people the words being used in full to let them know this isnt silly playground taunting this is real horrific racism.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 09/04/2015 15:04

whether you're white or not your use of racist language on this thread is unacceptable. You made your point the first time, you've been called on it, so even if you feel it's ok to use such terms the majority of people on this thread do not.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 15:09

right, so presumably your DD is not white?

So your question is actually should you tell your non white DD not to talk to someone who is racially abusive? Quite a different question. very strange

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 15:10

obviously non white not best term here but you are being so vague

zazzie · 09/04/2015 15:11

Continually using racist language doesn't make your point any stronger.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:11

To all the annoying people who on on AIBU to be mean and ask people why they are even posting....I'm here to listen...and learn....It doesnt sit well with me to simply trust my SIX year old to deal with it alone...which is what some of you have implied....by the way many other parents are considering this and have also voiced concerns ....some have already "banned" their children...I'm genuinely just asking and sorry if anyone is offended by my not hiding from a word I have a mixed raced family and we were taught that calling it "The N Word" is fine but dont treat it like Voldemort as though that is going to do anything....I don't like this words at all but some posters were disregarding them as though they were the same as saying candyfloss and bubblegum. Me saying these words to several posters was my way of saying are you serious? This kid is saying N and P on a daily basis and you are more concerned with her feelings than the victims.

MN is meant to be anonymous but i can tell many posters in general not just on this thread are non ethnic people with no idea of what racism is and think its something from a martin luther king movie many many years ago.

If this kid was making fun of disabled kids this thread would have gone sooooooo differently. It's like brown kids don't mean anything or something...

That's just the way some of the posts read to be honest.

OP posts:
sakura06 · 09/04/2015 15:11

Clearly the only reason the OP has stopped using the abbreviated forms of the words is because so many people on this thread seem to be attacking them for their response to this child's behaviour... I would suggest the OP wants us to understand the gravity and vile nature of what is being said by a 6 year old child.

I would not want my child to be around this kind of language either. Ever.

Of course the OP fully understands this is a learned behaviour, picked up at home. A very sad situation for that child, but not anything the OP can ever influence.

The OP's duty of care is to THEIR child and to not have their child come into contact with such hateful language. They made it very clear they are torn about how to deal with helping their child to cope with this child's behaviour. I'm not sure so much condemnation is appropriate when someone has asked for advice on protecting their child.

Personally, I would advise talking to your child about this behaviour and outlining how wrong it is (as you have done already).

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 15:12

Hmm what a crock that post is

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 15:12

sorry x-posted. I was referring to OPs last post.