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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 09/04/2015 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 12:48

These phrases such as "swim back to Africa", he has learned from his parents or family to recite parrot fashion.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:49

Discounted Why is that? Are you suggesting that because they have money it's strange that they are racist and horrid people? I'm genuinely asking x

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 12:49

Totally understand your point OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 12:50

Yes I don't think he is old enough or mature enough to understand what he is saying and the ramifications of it. Yes work needs to be done with this boy at school to counteract such attitudes at home, but it is hard when he has to go home to that.

Discounted · 09/04/2015 12:51

It is down to the school to manage though, not you or your daughter.

If your daughter's education is being disrupted by it complain, but don't expect to be told what they're doing about it.

I used to feel the way you do about some children in DS2's class. Then I went to work in the school (my first school job) and learned a little about what these children are up against. OK, so my DC's life might be a bit more pleasant without them but he has so many advantages compared to them that it is absolutely right that they get more attention/leeway at school than he does.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:51

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe.....I do agree to a certain extent but at the same time this is very heavy for 6 year olds....some of the things this kid says is very politically charged....they have had circle time ...newsletters and emails have gone around to all parents across the entire school to not single out this kid....it's just not working.

OP posts:
Discounted · 09/04/2015 12:52

No, very neglectful parents don't usually pay for childcare. Childminders don't usually keep disruptive children for long.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 12:53

Mary he is reciting his parents views, as he has been exposed to that on a regular basis. Hence it being quite heavy and politically charged, that is not something a very young child would come up with automatically.

popmimiboo · 09/04/2015 12:53

Two boys in my DC's (predominantly white) primary school are racist like this. My adorable 7 year old neighbour is repeatedly told she stinks and can't sit at their table at lunchtime because she's black.

Her parents (mum is white French, dad is black Togolese) refuse to report this and think their DD just needs to get used to racism Sad

I have told my DC to challenge these boys and to never tolerate racism. They are 6 and 7 years old. I have never "banned" my DC from playing with them but have turned down play dates and party invites from them. (Not an issue as my DC understand how racist they are to their friend.)
Sad situation.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 12:55

I feel Sad that this boy is so disadvantaged because of his parents rubbish attitude. He probably does not have a blooming clue Sad, he has no chance when he is in that environment.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 12:56

What exactly are you afraid of op?My dc have come across all sorts of unpleasant anti social behaviour but I trust my parenting enough to know they won't end up becoming sexist,racist,homophobic.

Disruption is a different issue,that said many,many kids disrupt classes even those from perfect families.

areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 12:56

There seems to be a lot of sympathy for the child. I understand this.
However, a black colleague of mine has a young son who refused to go to school because of the 'racist' comments of another child. My colleague has spoken to the teacher and headteacher and still the child persists in using racist language.

Gruntfuttock · 09/04/2015 12:57

It's a girl Aeroflotgirl, you keep referring to a boy.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:57

Discounted I understand but racism is disgusting and also traumatizing for the innocent children on the other end of it. I have a mixed raced family and it is traumatizing for my six year old to hear and other tolerant well raised children to hear! The teacher cannot follow around this kid and stop words coming out of their mouth before they are spoken!

You wouldnt expect the kids on the end of this to forgive forget and skip around would you? So why should the other kids? Just because they may not be black or asian does not mean that their cousin isn't....or family friend isnt....or best friend isnt...or maybe they just think racism is vile full stop and do not want to hear it! The kids are sick of this kid as much as the parents and teachers by the way. They have tried their best as much as 6 year olds can.

What about them? What about their right to go to school without having to report this and defend that?!?!

The parents have been informed.
Letters have been sent out.
Circle time has been had
playdates have even been initiated
The parents are tired the kids are tired the teachers are tired
The whole class cannot revolve around one kid!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:58

LePetitMarseillais Racism is disgusting and hurtful...you may regard it in the same lane as saying someones hair is smelly but I find it vile.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 09/04/2015 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 12:59

Oh sorry, I missed it.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:59

areyoubeingserviced You are the first person on this thread to actually properly acknowledge the innocent traumatized children on the end of this.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 13:01

Well I never. The KKK are obviously alive and well in primary schools in this country

Discounted · 09/04/2015 13:02

What do you think should happen then OP? Your plan of ostracising the child won't work - will just make the child angrier and sadder.

If it's this big an issue and you've spoken properly to the school about it, go to the governors.

WorriedAboutTooth · 09/04/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 13:03

The child who says it is below the age of criminal responsibility but not for long. He/she should be excluded. No child should have to endure this kind of vile taunting at school.
of course it is going to mean all sorts of intervention at the child's home but so there should be. If my child had to endure this for more than a day at school I would expect firm punitive action.

areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 13:06

I think that Ofsted should be informed.
This appears to be a safeguarding issue as far as I am concerned.
Namely , the safeguarding of children from ethnic minority groups.

Micah · 09/04/2015 13:07

Can you encourage her to stand up to this child? I'd be telling mine that it is not on, and if she ever heard such words she should stop and say"no, that is wrong" or some such, and immediately tell a teacher.

I'd also get the teacher to encourage everyone else to do the same. It's bullying, and I've always told my dc that if they see it they must say it's wrong and get and adult. Not stand by.