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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 12:16

Feenie, I would not ever condone bullying but there is a difference between bullying and discouraging my child from spending time with a child coming out with things like this.

I don't doubt the child has an awful home life but that doesn't mean I should welcome them into my home.

That isn't bullying. Its regrettable, certainly, but it isn't bullying.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 12:17

The child isn't vile,it's her behaviour which she may well have no control over.In my experience the children with the worst behaviour are often those living in the worst environments and it can be truly heartbreaking when witnessing what they go through.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 12:18

It is bullying.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/04/2015 12:18

this child is obviously from a "problem" family and is likely to have multiple issues, with agencies other than the school involved. Am not at all surprised they do not send the child home!

They are 6yrs old - so not been at school all that long really, how quickly do you think the school's actions and the good examples of other adults and children can undo the things they have been taught at home from a baby and still see and hear every day at home?

Shun the child from social activities and treat them like poo on your shoe? Exclude them from school (sending them home to their vile parents) what good will that do??

The best place for that child is to be in a good school full time, where policies are consistently reinforced and bad behaviour is consistently challenged, and they might just grow to see that their parents ways are wrong and break the cycle.

Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 12:19

6 year olds can control what comes out of their mouth.

If someone - teachers - have repeatedly said that to say something is unkind which they will have and the child carries on - why should my child have to listen to that?

I would never condone 'don't speak to them AT ALL', by the way. I am talking purely about hypothetical out of school play.

Feenie · 09/04/2015 12:22

I said How exactly will social ostracism from other six year olds help?

You said By sending out the message we don't like racism, we don't like children who are unkind and nasty about children who don't have the same colour skin as us, by saying this is not acceptable, we will not listen to this.

No one likes a bully.

That's bullying.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 12:23

They can't if they go home and are told to ignore the teacher and are fed a continuous diet of racist language.

6 year olds can't control their behaviour at all times as they aren't machines and are still learning /developing.

You'd be amazed at some of the behaviour I've witnessed at school from the most supposedly angelic kids their parents believe them to be.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 09/04/2015 12:23

I think telling your child she's not allowed to speak to her is absolutely fine.

There was a child as DS's school with incredibly bad behaviour and I told DS he wasn't allowed to speak to that child.

Your child, your rules. If the school don't like it then they need to tackle the bad behaviour. Simple.

spudholes · 09/04/2015 12:25

You have to protect your own, even if that means not encouraging friendship with this girl as her behaviour will rub off on your child.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 12:27

Hmm well kids saying they aren't going to speak to certain kids will quite rightly be dealt with severely.

I'd never ever tell my kids to not speak to certain kids.Shock

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/04/2015 12:29

Let's add to that by encouraging a bunch of six year olds to make sure they know how disliked they are, eh

But the consequence of making nasty comments is that people won't want to be your friend. It's easier to learn that at age six, when other kids are more forgiving, than at secondary school.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:30

LePetitMarseillais I already said I know what it sounds like ....and that I am not one of those mothers. Racism is disgusting by the way and I'm shocked at the amount of people in this thread that are quick to not only skim over the OP in regards to that this kid has been warned several times ...I've also said that if this kid wants to be nice be nice back but otherwise why bother?

Where is the compassion for those poor black and Asian kids being called these offensive words? Should they try and befriend this child after being told their skin is dirty? Have you not read the post?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:32

LePetitMarseillais And im not having a go by the way I just feel like you can't just ignore the main point of the post....that this kid calls other kids n and p...it isnt silly playground behaviour....

OP posts:
Feenie · 09/04/2015 12:33

As I've said, what do you think that ban will look like? I've seen a six year old refuse to answer a child's response in group work/PE because 'My mum said I am not allowed to speak to her'.

At which point, I have to explain that ignoring other children when they speak directly to them also isn't acceptable behaviour.

areyoubeingserviced · 09/04/2015 12:35

I would also discourage my dc from talking to this child, particularly as what this child says would impact on the lives of children who are from different ethnic backgrounds.
The child obviously has problems and may be in care, but there has to be a point where the needs of other children has to take precedence over the needs of one child.
Furthermore, I had the impression that OFSTED are now focusing on 'British ' values; tolerance and fairness . If this is the case, I would hope that the school would sort this out immediately.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/04/2015 12:37

Perhaps some of us work with children like this Mary. They are still small children and not all have the fortune of being raised in a perfect family. Treating them like lepers at 6 will never,ever help and will actually do the opposite and reinforce such behaviour.

FrenchJunebug · 09/04/2015 12:39

Why can't the school ask the parents to come for a chat?

Discounted · 09/04/2015 12:40

I agree LePetit, but (and I don't know the answer) how much of OP's responsibility is to her own daughter, how much to the children who are being insulted and how much to the poor child at the centre of it all?

I agree a ban is pointless and nasty though.

Discounted · 09/04/2015 12:41

LOL French, they can (and probably have) ask but they can't make them come.

rebelfor · 09/04/2015 12:41

''Make you sick to even type'' yet you wrote them both, twice, for good measure Hmm

Feenie · 09/04/2015 12:43

How do you know they haven't been called in?

As long as you know then, MNers who advocate this treatment, that if your child repeats YOUR unacceptable comments re not playing with this child or letting them know they are disliked, then they will also be in trouble.

Discounted · 09/04/2015 12:43

Actually, I wonder about the childminder. The school are in a difficult position but there's every possibility that this child could damage her business and she absolutely could refuse to have the child - but she doesn't? Unusual for truly awful parents to be using a childminder.

Milkwagon · 09/04/2015 12:46

I'd be more inclined to empower my child to stand up against this language (after explaining why it's wrong) and that it's ok to challenge the other child and encourage them to report it to a teacher when it happens at the time.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 12:47

LePetitMarseillais As you can see from my OP i hate the idea of doing it I'm hardly jumping for joy with the other moms in the playground in our secret Illuminati group of child exclusion plots!
I also said in my OP that if the girl is nice than fair enough but if she is being naughty and calling other innocent kids (again funny how they are being ignored in a couple of posts) these offensive names to tell the teacher, stick up for those innocent kids and refrain from playing with her until she washes out her mouth......I don't send my kids to parent other peoples children!! She shouldnt be spending all her time running to a teacher telling on someone....This kid is a handful guys it's getting worse and worse and worse not one day goes by without a story about her disrupting the class.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2015 12:47

Poor poor child Sad, I don't blame the little boy for one minuite, he is only tiny. Its the parents and the environment he is brought up in. I personally would have him over for playdates, but would very much correct his behaviour and the way he speaks because this is not acceptable, when he is an adult, this will not be tolerated. The boy knows no different unfortunately as his parents are racist idiots.