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Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 15:44

We can't get married yet for a reason that I don't wish to speak about

I do not want to pass myself off as married or "pretend to be married" I just want the same name as my son and partner, it makes me feel like we're more of a family and we just like the idea of it

OP posts:
Patapouf · 07/04/2015 15:49

And as someone else already pointed out, it's only tradition I'f you're married. Otherwise tradition dictates the child takes your name.

Why have you asked for opinions if you're so set on it? The majority of posters have said its pointless. I wouldn't be in a rush to take the name of someone who is potentially still married to somebody else.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 07/04/2015 16:07

ChickenDipper22 Just do it, forget everyone else who have their own agenda about you and your families names, it's your name, you live in a country where you are free to use any name you like unless it's to defraud someone.

Take advantage, it's free, and enjoy having the same name.

HoppityVoosh · 07/04/2015 16:08

Is the reason you can't get married because he's still married to his ex and you're annoyed she has his name and you don't? I've seen that on here before.

loveareadingthanks · 07/04/2015 16:11

IF you want to do it, then do it. Why even ask us?

But be prepared for lots of other people to find it a bit strange. To most people, if you aren't married, you don't have the same name. If you are married, you may or may not have the same name. To change your names to match when you aren't married, is quite unusual. Nothing wrong with unusual. But you can't force other people see it the same way you do. It seems very pointless to me. It has a point to you. That's ok, we are allowed to have different opinions. You're not hurting anyone if you do it, although people might get a bit confused that you are married.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 07/04/2015 16:14

Oh that's a good point? OP, is he still married to someone else? If he is, FFS get some legal advice and in particular make sure any will, pensions and insurances he has list you and your DS as beneficiaries. If he dies without a will and he's still married to someone else, the intestacy rules would kick in and she'd be favoured, not you.

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 16:25

You do NOT have to pay for a change of name deed!!

They're free and YES the passport office do accept them Hmm I used the freedeedpoll.org.uk for myself and my son and we both have passports no issue.

You want the same name as your child? Then let your boyfriend change his name? Hmm My Dc's have the same surname as me and DP will change his to mine if we get married as an unwed mother in not stupid enough to fall into the "it's tradition" crap when I'm not married and I'm the primary caregiver

TheCraicDealer · 07/04/2015 16:25

Did he push for your DC to have his name so that they "matched" his three other children? There's more to a feeling like a family than whose name you use. The only reason I would even entertain doing something of this nature would be if I had issues with my dad/family or had a previous failed marriage and was still using my married name- and even then it'd be preferable to switch to my previous name.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you've been together less than two years, he's presumably still in the midst of a divorce (messy?) at least two years after leaving his ex, and you have other problems aside from whose name you share. Taking all that into account, I would not be changing something as integral to my identity and tiresome to reverse on a whim like that. I've just changed my title to Ms with the bank, passport agency, etc., and fuck me that was annoying enough without having to supply any documentation. You might well split up and you'll be stuck using the name of a man you once lived with and at best feel ambivalent towards, knowing that if you change back you'll then have a different name to your child. You may have another child with someone else- what will you do then? It's the same as having been married but without any of the nice bits like spousal support or a share of the property/pension/savings. It sounds like you've made up your mind but IMHO you should consider biding your time here.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 16:30

He has never been married and neither have I, that's not the reason

I don't want him to have my name, I like his.

I've sent the forms off today

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 07/04/2015 16:30

It's a bit weird to change your name to his whilst he still has a wife. Although having a child with a married man over complicates things as he has another next of kin, she would benefit from his will or lack of one etc.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 16:31

He has not got a wife! He's never been married

OP posts:
JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 16:32

Sent the forms where??

It's FREE

Littlemonstersrule · 07/04/2015 16:38

The only reason to not be able to get married is that one of you is already married.

If he isn't, then I suspect he doesn't want to so you think by changing your name to his everyone will assume you are married. There's not chance I would do that for a man.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 16:44

That is not true either. I've said lots of times that neither of us is married and have never been married. That is not the reason that we can't get married just yet and I do not wish to discuss the reason why. I have no reason to lie, if one of us was married I would say

OP posts:
Patapouf · 07/04/2015 16:50

If one of you isn't already married to someone else, and you both want to marry each other thay only leaves two reasons why you couldnt:

-religious differences
-Immeidately related. And that won't change over time so I'm guessing it's the former.

I'm being very frank with you and I'd think very lowly of anyone I met that had changed their name to match someone they'd only been with for less than two years and thought that giving a child a different name to them, of someone they have no legal ties to is a good idea.

What commitment has he made to you?

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 16:57

You can't get married just yet?

Why Confused I don't get it unless your registry office is backed up to high heaven

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 16:58

You can't get married for a mysterious reason but he's not married and neither are you? Hmm

Is he in prison? Confused

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 16:59

Be careful OP. This all sounds a bit worrying.

shewept · 07/04/2015 17:00

I thought you were choosing not to get married rather than can't?

Thing is op if you explained why you can't (I get you don't want to and that's fine) people may look at the thread differently. At the moment people are struggling to understand.

AlpacaMyBag · 07/04/2015 17:03

I try (try!) not to judge people so I doubt the name change would give me a low impression of you. I might, though, think you were a bit naive.

Marrying for love alone is all well and good but being in love won't put food on the table. I live in a country where cohabiting gives the same rights as marriage so we haven't felt the need to get married. But you'd better believe that I (sole breadwinner) have taken out some good life insurance on myself so that if anything happens to me, DP (main caregiver of small DCs) won't be left unable to support himself or our children. Love is a verb eh? I know that some of my friends think I'm terribly unromantic but the fact is that all couples WILL be parted one day, by death or by breaking up. If you have children together, it's vital that you both consider how best to ensure that they will be provided for in any eventuality.

Justusemyname · 07/04/2015 17:04

Don't want to "rush" into marriage but have had a baby by him. I just don't understand the thinking behind that.

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 17:04

Prison, or immigration status or you are under age Sad

Littlemonstersrule · 07/04/2015 17:08

Not prison, OP has posted quite graphic details of their daily sex life on here. Hope it's not underage.

FWIW he sounds like a right catch. Selfish lover, doesn't see his other children much and within months of leaving their mother has a child with a new woman. Why on earth would you want to change your name to his let alone marry him.

shewept · 07/04/2015 17:09

I worry the OP is leading herself into a world of hurt and trouble. Thing is if you want to change your name, to give the impression you are married without having the legal protection if marriage, do it. Its your life. You seem pretty set on it, so I am confused why you started a thread here and misled the thread by saying you are planning on marrying, but you infact can't get married.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 17:14

I'm 25 so not underage, he doesn't see his other children as there's an ongoing court battle going on, it's not through choice. There's no legal reason why we cannot get married yet it's a personal reason

OP posts:
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