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AIBU?

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To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:
ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 17:25

They did not split two years ago, they split a good while before that. He was having regular contact after the split and she had no problem with it, he would go to her house to pick them up whenever he wanted then drop them off again when she asked.

We met a good few months after they split and he rang her to tell her about us because he thought it would be better coming from him rather than anyone else telling her, he was wrong. She screamed down the phone (I heard it) that he would never see his "fucking" kids again and then messaged me on FB telling me that I was a slag and so on (she's never met me)

I don't know if she thought that they'd get back together or if she was just jealous or what but she's never let him see them since, she's made up allegations of violence to make the process longer now too.

It's not like he's not doing anything about it, we are 7 grand in to solicitor fees so far, he's back and fore court all the time. He's even been on parenting courses through his own choice and goes to "families need fathers" courses every week. He loves them and will do anything to see them.

They don't know about the baby because social services wanted him to wait to tell them incase it's too much for them at the moment while he's only just started having contact again and that's already a big deal for them when they haven't seen him for two years.

Social services want to do PLO order and give her so many weeks to wise up then take them off her if she doesn't because they're worried that she's emotionally abusing them plus she keeps breaking the court order. She also rings the police and makes false allegations all the time and has just had a fine for wasting police time.

It's not his fault that he hasn't seen them, it is certainty not through choice

OP posts:
Patapouf · 08/04/2015 17:28

Completely agree halfwildlingwoman. As I said previously, I've kept my name and have no DCs yet but we plan to have DHs as a middle name and mine as the surname. Couldn't double barrel because mine already is!
DH dithered over changing his name to mine when we married, mainly because his sounds very forrin and isn't easy to pronounce in English and we were planning on moving back to the UK. Unsurprisingly he manages with his own name and I didn't have to give up my identity for marriage and we are no less of a family unit for it.

Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 17:46

So how did she stop him seeing them?

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 17:54

The kids are going to really hate daddy when they find out about the baby. They won't trust him if he can keep such a secret. Courts don't keep a loving, secure, safe father away from children on an exes say so.

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 18:02

She made up allegations of violence.

If he wasn't a safe secure father then SS would be involved in our DS's life wouldn't they, but they aren't.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 18:03

Okay. I think you've tied yourself to someone not worth the hassle to be honest.

Are you wanting his name as a sign he loves you more than his ex? I just don't get the urgency if you are so sure you'll be marrying one day.

Arsenic · 08/04/2015 18:05

If he is a safe, secure and competent father, why is he letting SS forbid him form telling his DC about their half sibling?

Who is making the parenting decisions for these DC?

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 18:07

He is listening to SS because he obviously needs them on his side to get a better chance of seeing them.

Courts are not keeping him away, a court order has been made for contact but she keeps breaking it, which is another reason they don't think she's looking after their needs properly

OP posts:
basgetti · 08/04/2015 18:07

Is your DP the man who keeps waking the baby up with loads of kisses and then leaving you to settle him again? The backstory sounds familiar.

I think you are pretty daft to have a baby with a man in the middle of court proceedings, particularly as you won't have ever seen him parenting his older children, tested out the complexities of blended families and seem to have taken his word for rather a lot very quickly after meeting him. That's quite a gamble when you are dealing with something as important as having children. I also think you are pretty daft to have given the baby his surname, he separated from the mother of his other children and hasn't been in their lives for 2 years, did the thought never cross your mind that one day you may end up at least as primary carer?

In the context of the mess of children not seeing their Dad, restricted contact, social services involvement and 3 children who have never met you and have no idea they have a new sibling, changing your name to his seems like a trivial distraction. It really is the least of your problems.

Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 18:09

Oh, chickendipper please be careful! Imagine a friend was telling you this story- what would you think?

Arsenic · 08/04/2015 18:12

Is your DP the man who keeps waking the baby up with loads of kisses and then leaving you to settle him again? The backstory sounds familiar.

Oh no Sad

OP all these threads are beginning to seem like weird off-topic, belligerent cries for help.

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 18:14

Waking baby? Huh? Confused

OP posts:
basgetti · 08/04/2015 18:16

Ok, my mistake. The baby in that thread was also 7 months and the Dad was upset as he had 3 older children he wasn't seeing. Just a similar background then, apologies.

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 18:16

Oh I see

OP posts:
SabrinnaOfDystopia · 08/04/2015 18:18

I also recognised the back story - surely it's not a coincidence? The details were identical.

Echo the please be careful, OP.

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 19:09

There's more to the back story?

Littlemonstersrule · 08/04/2015 19:17

I dont think its a co-incidence. Same style of writing, same ages and number of children, the jealous ex who stopped contact and same amount spent on solicitors fees. The OP was cross he kept waking up the baby yet the lack of him working much or not seeing his children didnt seem to be an issue Hmm

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 19:21

There's no shame in walking away from an unhappy situation. Staying and expecting things to change is pointless and silly.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 08/04/2015 19:25

OP, people on here are not being cruel to you - they are concerned. Sure, we can't know your whole life, but from what you've posted on here, it's like watching a slow-motion train crash.

JustAQuicky · 08/04/2015 19:40

I was just going to say about the baby thread.

That can't be a coincidence surely.

Im sorry but this whole scenario is a mess to say the least! Hmm

Littlemonstersrule · 08/04/2015 19:56

If it were my daughter I'd be telling her to run far and fast. Not sure that there will be any convincing the OP though.

If you truly are 25 and have been with him now for two years that made you 23 when meeting. You say you and your ex tried for a baby for 7 years which would make you 15 at least presuming a few months break between the men. It would explain the very early pregnancy to a new boyfriend and your refusal to see him as anything other than wonderful.

Jackieharris · 08/04/2015 19:59

What a f-ing mess the social workers have to sort out here.

There's 5 DCs caught up in this with 2 mothers and 3 fathers.

This is never going to end happily and yet you come on here to ask about a deed poll Confused

Are your thoughts/questions not more focused on how you are planning on becoming a stepmother at a young age to 3 children you don't know as well as your own infant?

What about the dad of the first DC?

What about the latest DC? Will they stay with the mum? Will you be taking on the 5th DC too?

Not to even mention the DV/police issues!

I hope your poor social worker had a nice weekend off.

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 20:12
Shock
nickelbarapasaurus · 08/04/2015 20:38

the thread has moved on a lot today, but i wanted to say about those "women are the only ones to have hideous surnames" comments...

I wonder if it's because women have been drummed into thinking it matters - both my ex (who i almost married) and my DH have truly hideous surnames - there is no way i would take them or allow my children to have them, but they both think they're good surnames.
DH said he wouldn't change his "because it's my name and it's always been my name, and i'm the only one to have my dad's name" (his siblings are by his mother from her 1st husband who died - they have a better surname)

it doesn't change the fact that his surname is hideous.
doesn' change the fact that ex's surname was hideous.
but i do know that ex's brother's wife took the name, even though her name was pretty normal and perfectly good - she knew it was a hideous surname too, but chose to take it.

Eustasiavye · 08/04/2015 21:30

Interesting nickel.

I know a young girl who crystal over her surname. She is so embarrassed by it she begs to go onLy by her first name.

The thing is her parents aren't married, her mother has a nice surname. Wtf she agreed to give her the 'awful' surname is beyond me.

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