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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 07/04/2015 17:16

I hope the personal reason is that you don't want to spend your life with someone who is deliberately shit in bed, as per your other post. These things really really matter in time.

Patapouf · 07/04/2015 17:16

I know its poor form to mention previous threads, but I wouldn't be in any rush to marry him either. Same goes for taking his name and having a baby with him though.

RoboticSealpup · 07/04/2015 17:20

Why don't you just have a registry office wedding? Nobody will think it's a big deal that two people who already live together and have a child are committing to each other, so there's no need to save up for a big wedding, is there? You're already a family, you just need to formalise it in law.

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 17:22

Why did you start this thread? Grin

ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 17:24

Just wanted to see what other people thought, it's interesting to hear other people's opinions.

Some people on here are horrid though (on every thread that I've started) I just wanted opinions not a personal attack

OP posts:
JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 17:28

Fine.

In my opinion your "because it's tradition" crap is just that crap. It's not tradition to get pregnant and not be married so the actual tradition is for your child to have your name.

It's also bemusing why you can't get married to a man who you've admitted doesn't see his kids and is shit in bed.

Changing your name to his wont change how he is in bed or that fact in time he may have 4 kids he doesn't see

hth

RoboticSealpup · 07/04/2015 17:28

To fair to the OP, there are other possible reasons, such as one person being religious and the other partner having to convert to their religion in order to be allowed to have a marriage that is recognised by the church in question. There could be other reasons.

As regards the name change, I think it is pointless and silly. Everyone you know is going to ask you why you did it, and it seems like that is something you do not want to talk about, so what are you going to tell everyone when they ask?

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 17:28

Some people on here are horrid though (on every thread that I've started) I just wanted opinions not a personal attack

I haven't looked at your other threads, but if people are having strongly negative reactions to more than one thing that is happening in your life, maybe there is something worth thinking about?

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 17:29

(People sound more worried than horrid to me.)

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 17:30

OK, people can be horrible on here. However, if people are attacking what you say on every thread, do you think it might be because they are worried and angry for the things you are doing? You're 25 with a partner who has four children. Three of whom he doesn't see. I haven't gone through your past threads but people who have are saying he's selfish.

You are cobbling together some semblance of a traditional relationships while not protecting yourself legally. And, saying that you are marrying for love is great, if you are just talking about yourself. But marriage is a contract. A contract is meant to outline rights and responsibilities. You have a child now so romance has to take a back seat to practicality.

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 17:40

Some of the assumptions on this thread are staggering. I know plenty of people who've taken their partners name without being married, no one in real life batted an eyelid. I'm not married because of family acrimony making it awkward. To me, that is a reason I cant get married. I'm neuther underage (!!?), in prison, already married or any other of the reasons stated here. I think OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time.

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 17:46

I'm not married because of family acrimony making it awkward. To me, that is a reason I cant get married.

And you'd phrase that as 'we can't get married'?! Hmm

Thisishowyoudisappear · 07/04/2015 18:06

I haven't read you other threads.

In my opinion changing your name would be pointless and silly.

In fact I'd say it was silly of you not to give your child your own name.

However, at least names can always be changed again. Perhaps the name question isn't really the most important issue here?

Do think about what's best for you OP.

loveareadingthanks · 07/04/2015 18:11

'I know plenty of people who've taken their partners name without being married,'

Really? I have never known anyone who has done this. I don't think it's all that usual. Unusual isn't bad, but a lot of people - evidenced by this thread - will find it a strange thing to do.

HazleNutt · 07/04/2015 18:15

Certainly not common. I know one person who took her partner's name without getting married. Everybody thought it was because he didn't want to marry her and she did what she could. I don't know if this was actually the case - they never married, though.

shewept · 07/04/2015 18:17

I think the OP is getting a hard time because she is back and forth. The baby has her dps name because its tradition, even though its not and if tradition was so important she would have got married before they had a baby.

She said they are choosing not to be married because they can't afford the wedding they want yet and yet she wants to marry for love, in which case the party doesn't matter. Get married. She is completely discounting the legal protection that comes as part of being married. She/he would rather appear as married, rather than actually do it. So she isn't marrying for love. If she was, she would get married.

Except its not they don't want to get married its actually that they can't get married.

On top of that, she wasn't actually asking isbu, because she already made her mind up. That's what she is doing, so do it.

I haven't read your other threads, although I think I remember one (although I didn't comment) that was quite harsh on the ops side. So its swings and roundabouts really.

There is more to this, but the OP isn't saying. So not really anyone can do.

MarionHaste · 07/04/2015 18:27

I know someone who did this. When they eventually got married she had to say, "I Jane Fotherington-Thomas take you John Fotherington-Thomas etc etc". It sounded like she had married her brother.

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2015 18:32

OP - whatever the 'personal' reason is, if it's not that he won't or can't, or that you won't or can't, then you really should just do a quickly registery office job rather than change your name if it really matters to you to have the same name now, not just wait until you are married.

Once you change your name, people will ask straight away "oh, did you and DP get married?" - and you'll have to explain that no, you just changed your name to your DPs. At that point, most people will say "oh right" or possibly ask you why, some might even ask why you didn't get married, but most likely, most will walk away feeling really sorry for you that you clearly want to get married but your DP won't marry you.

Woman who are co-habiting and happy about it don't go round changing their names to fake being a legal unit. Many woman have a different surname to their DP/H - sometimes it's that they are unmarried and happy about it, sometimes it's that they are married and didn't want to change their name, sometimes it's because they are married and at a stage in their career where changing their name would cause problems.

Changing your name obviously means a lot to you, it's clearly very symbolic of being a family, you might feel a little cheated when you do have the big wedding that it'll be Miss Chicken [DP's surname] marrying Mr [DP's surname]. There'll be no lovely moment when your DP or someone else says "hello Mrs [DP surname]!" at your wedding, because it's what you already are. There's no sending off your wedding certificate to change your name, because you'll already have done it.

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2015 18:33

and the tradition for a child of an unmarried couple was having the mothers maiden name then also changing their surname if their parents got married, not having the dad's name.

itsbetterthanabox · 07/04/2015 18:43

What's wrong with your name?

Littlecaf · 07/04/2015 18:55

Not sure about the " tradition "of children of unmarried parents taking the mothers surname - all the children of unmarried parents I know have taken the fathers surname - with the exception of those whom have other traditions to uphold (eg cultural or religious). Is there actually a tradition or perhaps just whom you know more of.

XiCi · 07/04/2015 18:56

I think it's an awful idea. I'm honestly cringing for you. Changing your name to that of a boyfriend who won't marry you is just utterly pathetic and needy. Surely you can see that?

ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 18:57

Where have I said he won't marry me???

OP posts:
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 18:59

I have never once said that he won't marry me.

I'm not only name changing for him, I want to have the same name as my son also but I wanted him to have the same name as his father and his brother and sisters, why is that so terrible?

OP posts:
sashh · 07/04/2015 19:06

You do need to pay the £36 if you want to change your passport and register your name change officially.

You don't. I did a home made free one and the passport office accepted it.

It cost me the price of the paper and a couple of signatures.

Or you could just have a basic wedding for under £50, which costs less than drawing up wills etc that give you half the protection.

I genuinely don't get why any woman would give her child a surname different to her own.

One of my friends was constantly teased at school for her surname, her son has his father's name

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