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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 06/04/2015 21:56

My surname is just an accident of birth. My first name was chosen for me out of love.

What surname I chose is kind of irrelevant really - I went with the one that didn't sound like a joke. I still have the name my parents chose just for me and which I see as truly mine.

Other people choose differently. It doesn't bother me and I manage not to judge or make rude and snippy comments about their choice.

buildmeabuttercup · 06/04/2015 21:57

I dont think its a big deal wether child has mother or fathers name. My dd has Dps surname because my surname is awful and I will be changing it in a heartbeat!

Agree with others, instead of deed poll have a quick marriage in a registry office and save up for a big second event if that's what you'd like

nickelbarapasaurus · 06/04/2015 22:01

"I wanted him to have his father's name, plus it's tradition."

it's not actually - etiquette dictates that the mother's name be used for a child born our of marriage. That's tradition.

but sod tradition anyway, it's totally up to you as to what name you or your child have.

Regarding changing your surname - you don't have to have deed poll or pay any money at all to change your name - in the UK, law is that you can use whatever name you like as long as it's not for fraudulent purposes.
You just need to start using that name. Tell people that you are now calling yourself "ChickenDipper Mansname" and get on with it.

You usually need a paper trail, but the best way to do that is to change your passport - write a letter to the passport office with your intent to use your new name, obviously include your passport to get it changed.
Then you've got the passport in your new name, and that's your proof of ID. Banks have hissy fits over name changes - they demand all this "legal" information, when the passport office will accept your word for it.

nickelbarapasaurus · 06/04/2015 22:02

(and you can even use "mrs" if you really want - titles have no legal status at all)

Patatas · 06/04/2015 22:02

I have changed mine by deedpoll, so we now all have the same surname. We won't ever get married for a number of reasons, but having the same name meant a lot to me.

Completely free as a few people upthread has said, the free form you can print off and be witnessed by two people, is recognised by everyone, including dvla and passport agency.

Just do whatever feels right for you and your family, but do be mindful its doesn't give you legal rights that marriage may offer.

nickelbarapasaurus · 06/04/2015 22:03

as an aside - my daughter has neither my name nor my dh's.
we were married when she was born, and i didn't change my name, and he didn't change his.
so we gave dd a name that was made up of both of our names (not doublebarrelled), because neither of us wanted the other's name to be our dd's name

ChillySundays · 06/04/2015 22:09

Another one here for the 'get down the Registry Office' option.

My DC went through the whole of their school lives with a different surname to me. The teachers always called my Mrs their surname and most parents just presumed I had the same name as them.

The only annoying thing I would say about not having the same surname was that in a lot of cases people presumed (as the DC got older) that my DP (now DH) was not their dad

Becles · 06/04/2015 22:13

To answer your question, I think that it's pointless and a waste of time to change your name to match but not save £120 or so to get properly married.

From a personal point of view, I'd find it a little bit sad and that you were resorting to this extent for the implied benefits of marriage but can't do the very little needed to gain the actual protection of the legal contract.

A friend would be told it made them seem desperate, was giving a false sense of security and to have a good think about what the idea exposed about the state of the relationship. Sorry

Elledouble · 06/04/2015 22:22

A friend would be told to keep their beak out. I'm not the OP, but I am doing exactly the same thing because up til now I've been using my ex-husband's surname and I don't want that name used in connection with my baby. There could be all sorts of reasons why, not necessarily to pretend to be married when one is not.

UnsolvedMystery · 06/04/2015 22:50

Just get married.

sykadelic · 07/04/2015 01:47

As you asked - I think it's pointless. I think it will mean much more if you were actually married and changed your name that way. I think changing it via deed poll is you pretending to be married when you're not.

Marriage has a lot of benefits, legally speaking, and because you have a child it's a good idea to just go through the legal stuff now and have the celebration later. OR have a low key celebration now and a bigger one in say 5 years, or 10 years, or whatever number makes you happy to "renew" your vows.

ClaudiusMaximus · 07/04/2015 02:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 07/04/2015 02:47

"Tradition" would state that you get should be married if you have a child.

Same surname means nothing - a lot of married women don't take their husband's surname. Marriage = legal rights for you all - being next of kin etc.

base9 · 07/04/2015 02:53

Don't change your name without being married, if what you want is marriage. That's just sad. Have a very cheap registry wedding, then set a time to have the big party when you can afford it. Your friends and family will still love celebrating with you! I had friends who did this- did the legal marriage on the cheap and the wedding 2 years later. It was lovely as their 'babies' were older and could stay with us after the wedding while mum and dad stayed overnight in a lovely hotel with massages and champagne. Tears at that age are easily solved by a petting zoo!

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 07/04/2015 02:58

Another one saying just get married. It makes absolutely no sense to me that you would waste time, effort and possibly money to pretend to be married when you're not. Legal wedding ceremony = your goal PLUS the huge benefits of being married now you have a baby. It's so important that you have that legal protection, for yourself and your DC.

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 04:31

Did the OP say at any point her DP won't marry her???
I took my dp's surname as I wanted to share a name with my children, his name is better than mine, and I dont want to get married. Sorted.

Arsenic · 07/04/2015 04:53

Are you going to pretend to be married OP? Because if you do (and even if you don't) there is bound to be some confusion if you eventually do get married from people who assumed you already were.

Some people will think it's a bit desperate - an attempt to pretend to be married to someone who doesn't want to marry you - I've heard plenty of people say that about an acquaintance who did the same. It's the kind of move that is an affront to both traditionalists and feminists.

But if you don't care about that, YANBU to do anything you fancy doing with your own name.

Nolim · 07/04/2015 05:37

I think it's really sad when a man won't marry the mother of his child.

Erm… there is nothing sad about not getting married. And it is the couples decision, not just the man.

ClaudiusMaximus · 07/04/2015 06:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlecaf · 07/04/2015 07:34

Not sure why posters are being judgey pants over a name change or marriage. Neither are important. If the OP wants to change her name, she has the right to do so and should do if she wants. I wish people would stop moralising over such issues, the relationship is the important factor, not whether parents are married or have the same surname. How dated.

MontysMum8 · 07/04/2015 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsrus · 07/04/2015 08:16

I was married for over 20yrs, never changed my name, never used hisname, never used Mrs, dc all given my last name. It was never a problem. When he met his younger, thinner "soulmate" and left us I had the security of the marriage, the name would have meant nothing. There are women on here who were married a lot longer than me, changed their names, and were still traded in for an OW. If you choose to take his name fine, but fgs get married if you would be financially vulnerable if he left or went under a bus.

LeSquigh · 07/04/2015 08:48

Mumsnet is really the only place where I have come across women not changing their name to their husbands upon marriage. I do not know anyone in real life who hasn't taken on their husbands surname and find it a little odd that so many people on here claim not to have done so. Even if the parents are unmarried it's normal for the offspring to have fathers name unless there are other factors such as him being absent or similar. In my whole life I have only ever met one person who kept her name, and that was only for work, officially she was Mrs DH.

OP, I changed my name by deed poll to that of my long term partner because I didn't want to get married. You don't HAVE to use deed poll but it made things a lot easier when changing documentation such as passport etc. I changed my name mainly because I liked his a whole lot more than my own. We did end up getting married officially when I was pregnant (mostly due to my own loony hormonal reasons) but I wish I hadn't because we split up less than a year later and three years down the line I still haven't had the money to get divorced!

I am with someone else now. I have no desire to get married. Probably will if he asks but wouldn't push for it by any means. Marriage means nothing to me other than a bit of potential security if something were to happen to him. We don't have any assets as such. If we WERE to marry I would actually like to keep the name I've got now, which is that of my ex. And also of my child. Because it's a nice name. I think my DP would be put out but we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.....

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 09:01

To all the people saying it's sad that my DP won't marry me, where did I say that? We are engaged and he definitely wants to marry me, we wanted to wait and have a proper celebration and wedding when we can afford it, nothing massive but something more than just the paperwork.
I like his surname more than mine and he wants us all to have the same name also. We have decided on it now anyway and are getting the forms tomorrow

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 07/04/2015 09:18

Yes littlecalf, name change is not important, but marriage is. I hope OP is aware of the differences between marriage and unmarried relationships now and has been able to make an informed decision.
Personally, if you want to get married but just need to save for the wedding, I would still do the paperwork now and have the party later. Probably because I'm a lawyer and have seen what can happen.

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