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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 08/04/2015 08:56

My surname was genuinely really bad and I was teased relentlessly about it all through school and uni too. I was always perplexed at why my mum took it but I guess in the 70s keeping your name probably wasn't the 'done thing'.

So I was very happy to take my DH's nice, boring, normal surname when we got married. I still feel a massive relief when I have to call and make reservations etc. I guess all the teasing affected me more than I had realised.

BUT if he had a terrible name and mine was a good one then I don't think I would have changed it, I think I would have tried to convince him to change his name to mine!

I do like the fact that we all have the same name as a family. But that's just my view, horses for courses and all that.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 08:57

I never said I didn't want any of the legal commitment, I said we are getting married in the next few years. Why are people twisting my words?

I never said he was married before but people keep saying he was... He wasn't! Neither of us have been married.

All I want to do is change my name in the meantime until we get married, not because he won't marry me, not because I don't want to get married, not because I want to "pretend" to be married. Just because I want the same name as my son and him. That's it.
Plus my surname would have sounded ridiculous with my sons forename

OP posts:

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 09:01

If you want the same name, and you're getting married soon, why bother? For the sake of such a short period. You'll have the faff of changing everything over to your new name and then when you get married updating again to Mrs (assuming you do).

FryOneFatManic · 08/04/2015 09:02

It's still very rare for a man, as an adult to change his name, even if he hates it.

When I've asked women why they changed their name, they frequently answer "because I love him", and then have nothing to say when I ask if their husband changed his name to hers for love.

I have DCs and a DP, we are a family unit. We don't need to have the same name to feel we are that unit, it's all about how we feel about each other. The DCs have grown up knowing I have a different name to them, and it simply doesn't register as something they need to be bothered about.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 09:02

I just thought it would be nice, my DP thinks so too

OP posts:

Arsenic · 08/04/2015 09:10

Plus my surname would have sounded ridiculous with my sons forename

You normally pick christian names to suit a surname rather than the other way around.

Look, do what you like with your life, your name,your child.

But you are feeding this thread with your bizarre logic.

Jackiebrambles · 08/04/2015 09:11

It just seems like a lot of hassle when you could get married for just over £100 and change your name as part of that. I know you probably want a nice wedding/reception to mark the occasion but you could do that in a couple of years?

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 09:11

I'm not a Christian ?

OP posts:

shewept · 08/04/2015 09:16

Its still very rare for a man, as an adult to change his name, even if he hates it.

Yes it is rare, but happens. Also would like to say that dh asked me if I was taking his name, when I said I hadn't decided he also put forward the option of taking minjust as another option. Not an option for me. So yes Fry DH would have taken mine if I had wanted him too. I don't think people have to have their husbands or wife's name. But get confused about people who believe people shouldn't take their partners and when they get married. Its down to choice, the reasons why don't make it any less valid. Neither choice is better.

Its like saying is having 2 kids better than having 3. For some people it is, for some people its not.

Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 09:23

"Plus my surname would have sounded ridiculous with my sons forename"

A new variant on the old "special particularly dreadful hard to spell name that only women have" theme!

Altinkum · 08/04/2015 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 09:32

Hakluyt what do you mean?

OP posts:

shewept · 08/04/2015 09:43

A new variant on the old "special particularly dreadful hard to spell name that only women have" theme!

Really? When you grow up with a name that you hate, then tell people they can't use it ay a reason to change their name. As I have stated, dh would have changed if I felt strongly. We could have both kept our names.
I know one man who has. So to say its only women that don't like their surnames is ridiculous.

And to ridicule women that make a choice that they are happy with is the most anti-feminist thing you can do. We live in a country where women can choose. But its only a valid choice if they make the one you deem acceptable? Great example of equality

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 10:02

Hakluyt - my name is neither dreadful nor hard to spell (it's only 4 letters, how hard can that be) I just prefer my partners name and my name would have sounded silly with DS first name

OP posts:

Littlemonstersrule · 08/04/2015 10:12

At the end of the day, your name is the least of your problems so if you want to play at being married then go for it.

A man who is selfish in bed is selfish in other areas usually. Then there's his children who he doesn't see yet claims SS are willing to hand over to him. A man that is not allowed access doesn't suddenly get full custody. Having children young and after only dating for 12months, the stats for the relationship lasting are slim. You can't possibly get to know a person truly in such a short space of time. At least it will be free to change your name back again.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 10:19

We haven't had children young.. I'm 25, he's 30, were hardly teenagers.
I said SS are going to look at placing them with us, they will go in to foster care in the meantime while he continues to have contact and they do checks. Don't make assumptions.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/04/2015 10:20

You've said all you want to do is change your name. Then just do it.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 10:23

I have, I sent the forms off yesterday

OP posts:

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 08/04/2015 10:26

Goodness, OP, I think the name is the least of your worries too.

You are planning (if all goes to plan) to go from having one baby, to having four children - 3 of whom you've presumably never met? Children who have had the sort of upbringing that has led SS to removing them from their mother and placing them in a foster home?

That is a huge undertaking.

Littlemonstersrule · 08/04/2015 10:31

Wow you worked miracles overnight then. At 17.14 yesterday you confirmed he doesn't see his other children yet today he continues to have contact

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 10:37

He has only started having contact for the last 2 weeks, he's had two one hour sessions so far, I meant he's not seeing them properly yet that's all

OP posts:

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 10:37

And he will continue to have contact if they're placed in to temporary foster care is what I was trying to say

OP posts:

JustAQuicky · 08/04/2015 10:41

Where exactly have you sent your "forms" a change of name deed is

A) FREE
B) does NOT require any forms ffs

Your story is a tad well inconsistent

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 10:42

I printed the forms from gov.uk and sent them to the address that it says to on there. I put a postal order for £36 in because it says to and I wanted to be sure it was done properly

OP posts:

JustAQuicky · 08/04/2015 10:45

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