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AIBU?

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Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:
Nolim · 08/04/2015 14:35

As an aside I think all adult women should be Mrs regardless of marital status.

I think that all adult women should be ms, it is supposed to be the neutral female title. But that is for another thread.

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 14:42

Ime having the fathers' name counts for nothing if the father is a twat.

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 14:47

Add message | Report | Message poster Justusemyname Wed 08-Apr-15 14:42:40
Ime having the fathers' name counts for nothing if the father is a twat.

This made me choke on my sandwich.

It just makes me deeply uncomfortable to think about a child of mine not being immediately identifiable as such by name.

Did you not like the idea of double-barrelling OP?

Arsenic · 08/04/2015 15:00

I'm tempted to move to France now that they have adopted 'Madame' for all adult females.

Littlemonstersrule · 08/04/2015 15:13

Justuse, well said. To have such limited contact with your own children and SS preferring expensive foster care over the NRP suggests things are not as cosy as the OP makes out.

Quite then why the OP would be rushing into having a child with him and changing her name to pretend they are married is beyond most people.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 08/04/2015 15:23

Kind of off topic, but I understood the statutory declaration route to be accepted by the passport office required the solicitor / JP etc. to sign it, they always used to charge more than the 36 quid as the other route to getting something they accepted unless you knew one socially.

Have the passport office rules changed in that anyone can witness, or have the people saying it's free all mates with solicitors?

Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 15:26

It's a bit late now, but I would say getting into a relationship with someone who until recently has not been allowed to see his children, and has seen them for two one hour sessions in the past two weeks doesn't strike me as a particulalry prudent thing to do..........

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 15:35

Stat dec is only £2! You're not actually supposed to have someone you know witness it which is a pain, what use are all my lawyer friends to me

OP will learn for herself, it's no good us telling her it was a bad idea etc (although I wholeheartedly agree)

Let's hope it works out well.

Arsenic · 08/04/2015 15:37

Being on friendly terms with the subpostmaster can be very handy when you need things witnessed.

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 15:41

I was talking generally. I'd hate for the OP to think I was implying her child's father was a twat. I don't know him but I would wonder how much thought he has put into his older children's feelings when having a baby with another woman so soon after leaving their mummy.

JustAQuicky · 08/04/2015 16:27

Fred

Mine and my DC was accepted and was witnessed by my DC childminder and my DSis DH no issues whatsoever ever

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 16:31

Justusemyname... What makes you think we got together soon after DP split with his ex? It wasn't soon

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 16:56

The time line gives it away. It is soon for the older children to have acquired a sibling by daddy's latest girlfriend.

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 16:58

'Soon' is fairly subjective. It obviously wasn't too soon to have a child with someone after less than a year and changing your name, although not getting married, after just two years.

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 16:59

For you I mean.

Others might consider it too soon. Especially as there are ongoing dramas with the ex and he has 3 children who are still quite young.

Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 16:59

Why would the children go into foster care if their mother couldn't look after them rather than go to their father?

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 17:02

"A sibling by daddy's latest girlfriend"

A: I'm his second proper girlfriend, you make it sound like he's had loads

B: Their mummy's just given birth 3 days ago to a baby with "her latest boyfriend" too.

Everyone's entitled to move on

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 17:04

Not interested that the OP didn't think it was too soon to get pregnant by this person, I'm more concerned with the older children's feelings now there's a shiny new baby on the scene and daddy has lessened contact.

Exactly, Hakluyt, though the OP says they are taking the kids.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 17:04

Because they haven't seen him for two years and their mother has poisoned them telling them what a bad man daddy is and so on so they're nervous, hence why he's having contact first to get them used to seeing him again

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 17:06

They don't even know about the "shiny new baby" yet.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 08/04/2015 17:06

Why did he stop seeing them in the first place?

chopinbabe · 08/04/2015 17:10

If you marry him, he may find that he has a better chance of getting custody of his children.

I wouldn't change my name by deed poll or whatever because, whatever the rights and wrongs, it is going to appear so sad.

Why don't you both you both go double barrelled?

Littlemonstersrule · 08/04/2015 17:10

I wonder why the ex feels the way she does about him. They split two years ago which is the time you met. Within pretty much six months of dating he gets you pregnant and in those two years he has seen his children for two hours.

The very fact that yhey don't know about your child speaks volumes.

Patapouf · 08/04/2015 17:12

He's not spent any significant time with his children in two years? Shock and yet he felt the need to have another??

halfwildlingwoman · 08/04/2015 17:21

We weren't married for years and years and our children have both our names (but mine is first as it will be less likely to be dropped...) They were not going to have his name alone while we were unmarried. We are now married but I have not changed my name and I am not going to. Ever. There was a poster upthread who said that they don't know anyone in real life that kept their name, well I know loads - nearly always professional women. However, I know more allegedly modern feminist women that randomly change to their husbands name after marriage, which I find weird and regressive. I got married last year and I am sick to death of people asking what my name is now. The children like having a double-barrelled name, we have asked them if they want to change, but they like having both.
I know one person quite well who used her partner's name although they weren't married. He wanted to marry her, and she wore the very expensive ring he bought her, but she didn't want to marry him. At the school gate she used his name because she cared what people think. Ridiculous.
I know several women that have children by more than one man and they have the surnames of the men. Where is the mother's status?

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