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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:50

The amount of threads you see on here and other forums where mothers have said it was a mistake giving there DC his last name and wish as they weren't married had given them there's in a lot.

I see it as stupid imo but hey if you just want people to agree with you all I can suggest is try netmums

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:53

Because she's bitter?

Or because she's the primary caregiver doing the day to day work and the child lives with them.

My children have my last name because I'm not an idiot with outdated "traditions" married and even if I was married Id still keep my surname

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:54

I don't need anyone to agree with me... You're giving me your opinion and I'm giving mine back. We're all entitled to an opinion, I haven't tried to change you or anyone else's opinion? Nor have I tried to force anyone in to agreeing with me

OP posts:

AwakeCantSleep · 07/04/2015 21:58

Cos she is bitter? Really??

Or maybe because these mums wished they'd not given their children the surname of a man who was unlikely to be their primary carer throughout their childhood.

Given children the father's name when the parents aren't married is not the done thing at all.

Just get married before having babies. Or change your names upon marriage.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2015 22:01

Can't see the point of changing your name by deed poll. Just get married without fuss or expense. It can be done.

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 22:03

Giving the child your surname because you are it's mother and giving your child it's fathers surname are both equally valid. It's a choice. The fact we have that choice is a good thing, surely? Neither choice is 'stupid' or any more likely to cause a problem than the other. If you are a father with a different surname you might get questioned, if you are a mother; ditto. I am failing to see why either choice is a problem?

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 22:15

I totally agree NobodyLivesHere

OP posts:

buildmeabuttercup · 07/04/2015 22:37

Lots of children I know have their fathers last name when the parents aren't married, I thought it was relatively common.

My DD has her dads name because mine is ugly. If people think it's stupid I genuinely don't care, it doesn't affect anyone else. Op just do whatever makes you happy.

Patapouf · 07/04/2015 22:49

Why did you make the thread if you didn't want people to agree with you?

Did you want to be told it was a bad idea then?

And bitter? Really? Get a grip and go to netmums with future queries.

Littlecaf · 07/04/2015 22:54

Buttercup, you've hit the nail on the head there. Exactly why my DS has my DPs surname. I really don't care that he doesn't have my name. He's still my son, it's the relationship which is important, not the name or marital status. I'm really struggling to think of ANYONE female I know who's DCs have their surname and they are not married.

My DP will be the primary male carer for our DS because he is his father had he's not an arsehole. If we split up, my DS is still his son, so why shouldn't he have his name.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 22:55

I've said numerous times why I made it, because I was interested to see others opinions. That doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my own.

"Go to net mums" ..Who are you, the queen of mumsnet?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 23:00

I actually don't have issues with the kid having whatever last name people decide. DD has DH's because I got to choose her first and middle names. Works for us. I ummed and ahhed but don't use DH's name (we are married).

The issue I have is using someone's name that you aren't married to, aren't a blood relation of, have no legal/contractual tie to. I simply don't understand it. Especially as it's becoming the norm not to use the DH's name even after marriage. When I look at DD's class list there are about two people with matching last names. Waaaayyy more single parents than couples with the same name.

And what it says is 'we're married'. Would you use Mrs. if not married? Because it's sort of the same thing.

Patapouf · 07/04/2015 23:15

You've denied it but you were obviously not anticipating being disagreed with. Hence netmums where you'll get more supportive responses to this kind of thing.

And what it says is 'we're married'. Would you use Mrs. if not married? Because it's sort of the same thing
^^this

TheCraicDealer · 07/04/2015 23:16

Agree Terry. I was in the High Court in Belfast and got bored so went and looked at the trial / hearing listings for that day in the family court. Every single hearing was like:-

Smith vs. Smith
Slominski vs. Slominski
Peters vs. Peters
McCartney vs. McCartney
Gordon vs. Gordon
Etc., etc., etc.

I.e., changing your name is not indicative of the strength of your relationship. A single name doesn't make you "more" of a family, it doesn't mean that you'll stay together, it doesn't mean that your relationship is more significant than anyone who kept theirs. And with the greatest of respect, you should trying saying something like, "We don't plan to split up" in Relationships and see how that goes down.

Reading between the lines and that thread you posted where multiple people suggested that your DP was cheating and/or insensitive to your needs it just seems a bit like you're trying to "mark" yourself as "his" to make yourself feel more secure in your relationship. There's nothing you've said that would suggest that getting married right not is an impossibility, rather that you pair Just Don't Fancy It right now.

Anyway, you've made up your mind, hopefully you won't have cause to regret it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/04/2015 23:30

Most children that I know who have their mothers names are ones who's parents have split up and the mother has changed their name to hers cos she's bitter

Do you know how hard it is to change the name of a child if dad is named on BC without his consent?

It's not legal without his consent or a court order. The likelihood of a 'bitter' parent getting a court order for name change that's not just double barreling is slim. It's viewed as an attempt to wipe out the childs biology and history and tends to have a dim view taken of it when a very good reason does not exist.

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 23:45

I agree needs

itsbetterthanabox · 08/04/2015 01:11

It's surprising that so many women say they have such hideous maiden names and so that's why they want to change their name to that of their male partner who all just happen to have lovely surnames. What are the chances ay?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2015 02:18

What are the chances? As someone to changed to her exH's foul name and hasn't to her current DH's lovely name, I feel the chances are slim...

MaryWestmacott · 08/04/2015 07:48

Op - you said you are 25 but have been together for 2 years, so since you were 23. As he's been married, had 3 dcs and divorced before then, I'm assuming he's quite a bit older, and possibly you got together very quickly after the split as it's not all finalised with his exw.

Are you really looking for a way to feel more secure, to make your relationship appear more permanent in the face of "it'll never last". Or is the the different levels of commitment compared to his exw, she was married to him when they had dcs, your dc is 7 months, you've been together for 2 years, you'd been dating for less than a year when you got pregnant, were you even living together and officially a couple to his dcs/exw at that point? I can see why you might want to create the impression this is not a less committed relationship than the one he's just left.

But taking his name without getting married is not going to show the world how solid your relationship is, it will do the opposite.

If you are going to be married before your dc is 2, then why do this now?

Eustasiavye · 08/04/2015 08:10

Do what you want but personally I think you have rushed into having a child.

He has fathered a forth child more or less within 6 months of splitting up from the mother of his 3 children.

Marry in haste repent at leisure.

Eustasiavye · 08/04/2015 08:14

Itsbetterthanabox- yes obviously all these women with horrendous maiden names do not have brothers. Neither do all the men with great names have sisters or else this so called problem would not exist. Strange that.

Original poster

ChickenDipper22 · 08/04/2015 08:20

Mary. I have said numerous times that he has never been married!

He isn't a lot older, he is 30. He didn't father 3 other children as the oldest one is not biologically his, he brought him up from when he was 6 months old so sees him as his own

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 08/04/2015 08:23

I have to admit I'm baffled by the logic here. I got married; there are many advantages to being married, especially if you want a long-term commitment within which to raise children. BI ut didn't change my name, because being married means I'm committed, both emotionally and also in the eyes of the law, and I cba with all the paperwork the namechange is meaningless and a bit patriarchal.

The OP here wants the patriarchal, meaningless bit but none of the actual crunchy (useful) legal commitment. I'm honestly a bit wtf

ComfortingCwtch · 08/04/2015 08:28

Getting married doesn't need to be expensive, you don't need all the fancy stuff. When we got married we just paid the church fees and didn't have any extras.

shewept · 08/04/2015 08:39

One of the reasons I changed my name was because I hated my maiden name. In fact due to mums several divorces, before remarrying my dad I had 3 different surnames growing up. Didn't like any of them. It wasn't the only reason, but it definitely played a part.

I took dhs name but don't see it as his or his parents name. We made our own new family with that name. I don't think its an issue either way. Take you dhs name or don't. Up to you.

Also I know a man who took his wife's surname as his surname sounded like a swear word and he had been relentlessly teased growing up.

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