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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 05/04/2015 19:29

Tough one but I would come down on you are being unfair to not have a practical discussion about things. Maybe DH could pay for help with the house or your BIL so it wouldn't all be down to you. God forbid anything happened to your children would you want family to step in?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 05/04/2015 19:31

YABU - would you want one of YOUR children to be abandoned by their siblings in the event of something happening to you and DH and one of them needing help from the others??

I think it is very commendable that DH wants to help his brother. he is surely doing what his parents woud be very proud of him for.

BUT, I think you would be reasonable to tell DH that as it will be like taking on another child, you will need some help, be that a cleaner etc or simply some (paid for) respite care /day centre to give you a break.

tiggytape · 05/04/2015 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate · 05/04/2015 19:31

Yanbu. Of course it's a really emotive subject but what your DH is asking of you and your whole family is too much. You made your position on this clear years in advance and now you need to stand your ground.

It isn't really your DH whose life will change to accommodate his brother; it's yours. Can your DH take any kind of sabbatical or carers leave to go up and stay with his brother and sort things out?

PotteringAlong · 05/04/2015 19:32

If Uou had this conversation before you got married I assume your DH must have had the same conversation with his parents. What provision have they made for bil? Or was your DH just assuming that when push came to shove you'd agree to him moving in?

RandomMess · 05/04/2015 19:32

Actually because of how the system works I think YANBU.

Would your dh be able to take time off work to go and stay with/visit bil regularly whilst ss sort something out?

tiggytape · 05/04/2015 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:33

But I see this as far more than temporary. I also know that I wouldn't cope at all. It would push me to the edge (probably fall off), which would destroy our marriage and then our kids.

I put my family unit above his 1 brother.

OP posts:
kewtogetin · 05/04/2015 19:33

Oh that's so hard, but honestly if it were your brother would you say no to him living with you?
He has lost his father and is facing losing his mother now too, not to mention his home. I can understand why your DH feels the need to keep him close and look after him.
I think if it were me j would let him stay, I simply couldn't face turning him away. Where will he go if he doesn't live with you?
Is there a possibility of finding him a place in a care/residential home near to where you live?
I don't envy you this decision at all but he is family and its an issue very obviously important to your husband.

iklboo · 05/04/2015 19:34

I understand your concerns. Your DH obviously doesn't want to see his brother 'on the street' - but won't actually be helping to care for him (much) as he's working. And will probably be too tired after work. And will probably be 'busy' at weekends / holidays. Maybe too busy to sort out another home for his brother?

LaurieFairyCake · 05/04/2015 19:35

Of course you shouldnt because it's very likely to not be the best thing for your BIL.

its certainly not the best thing for you and you have every right to decide how you spend your day and who you will care for.

If your Dh wants to help he can go and settle his brother into the supported living that will need to be provided for him.

PoppyField · 05/04/2015 19:35

YANBU. Your DH wants to implement a policy for which you shoulder nearly all the hard work and responsibility. Your DH works, presumably for at least 8 hours of every week day. You also work. You also do all the caring for 3 children. You are perfectly ok to say No. Yes it is hard, but all your reasoning makes sense and I think your DH is unreasonable even to ask.

However, he has asked and you have said 'No'. That should be enough.

In the grand MN saying 'No is a complete sentence.

I can understand this is a very difficult and heart-rending decision. But your first priority is your children and your own family life. Why is it suddenly all down to you to sort it out.

Your DH has no right to go ballistic. He is being over-dramatic. Yes, it is a big problem, and Yes, he won't turn his back on his brother - that does not entail making you do all the hard work. Top solution there, mate!

Lob it right back into his court. He can't make your problem. And don't let him make you the problem. Good luck.

ItsADinosaur · 05/04/2015 19:35

YANBU, your DH won't be the one caring for him. So as much as he wants to help his brother, it won't affect him as he won't be the one at home doing it. He's making you be a carer.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 05/04/2015 19:36

Such a horrible position to be in.
What would happen if he didn't come to stay with you?

LittleBairn · 05/04/2015 19:37

YANBU you made it clear before you are married. The only way I would agree was if my DH took some sort of long term leave to provide the care.

crimsonh · 05/04/2015 19:37

if there's his parents home he won't be made homeless anyway

unless parent gave everything to your DH under the contition that he provides for his brother...

do you know what their will says?

base9 · 05/04/2015 19:37

Would it be better for dh to seek housing for.db nearer to you? It will be a big upheaval for db but possibly better to have uour dh nearby now that his dm is frail? Dh needs to explain how he is going to change his working life to accomodate care of his db. Do you need to change your working life, too, possibly to bring in more money if dh needs to cut hours to become a pt carer? I think you are right to refuse to become db's carer, but if that is a role dh feels he must take on then it will take compromise from all of you.

LittleBairn · 05/04/2015 19:38

were married

FanSpamTastic · 05/04/2015 19:38

I do not think YABU. If you could have him to stay temporarily and be assured of him still getting proper care in his own area then that is one thing. But in reality what will happen is that he will fall between the cracks with one area handing him over and the other not picking him up because he has you. You would be better off sorting out first where he is going to live long term and then having him come to stay for holidays and family time in the longer term.

ButEmilylovedhim · 05/04/2015 19:39

FWIW, I wouldn't cope and wouldn't want to look after someone in that situation. I just know it's beyond my capabilities and therefore I would be no help in any case. I also agree with you that your bil would likely end up being with you almost indefinitely because the council/whoever would be happy he was being cared for and would want to focus resources on those who are not being cared for by family. You have said to your DH long ago that this can't happen, it's not as if you have changed your mind.

SunshineBossaNova · 05/04/2015 19:39

YANBU. I would suggest getting your DH to call Mencap's free helpline when they are open on Tuesday, they will hopefully be able to help.

PtolemysNeedle · 05/04/2015 19:39

Who is caring for your BIL at the moment? Is he getting a good standard of care, or is there something that is worrying your DH about the care he's getting now?

Fingeronthebutton · 05/04/2015 19:40

Totally understand your situation, and your Husbands. But my thoughts are for your children. They will not understand this mans special needs.
I have worked with adults with special needs. It is very demanding work.
I'm assuming you don't fully understand his condition and what form this might take.
Also, you have no idea how he will cope with this move. It would be kinder to him to go to a residential home straight away. At least there, he will be with professionals who will understand his needs.

MythicalKings · 05/04/2015 19:40

YABU. His brother is every bit as much his family as you and your children. He h a good job and can pay r extra help and carers in your home untl a placement is found.

Wouldn't you expect your DCs to look out for each other in the future?

Coldcabbagestew · 05/04/2015 19:41

I completely understand where you are coming from and agree that if social services know that he is safely housed then his placement is unlikely to be a priority.

Agree with PP - is there anyway that your DH could take unpaid leave for a couple of months?