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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
Snoozybird · 05/04/2015 20:28

It's clear that it's very unlikely to be a short term situation if BIL moves in. The family have had 20 years to prepare for this eventuality with the OP clearly stating her position from the outset so it's not down to the OP to be bullied into doing something that quite frankly is not her problem. Everyone always bangs on about children needing to come first and in this situation the DH needs to put his own DC before his brother because they will surely suffer if DB moves in, moreso if the family breaks up. And what would happen to BIL then?

OP YADNBU.

petalsandstars · 05/04/2015 20:29

Littlemonster it's likely you have this the wrong way round. More likely that (even as a couple ) it was agreed for OP to be at home doing the bulk of the childcare to enable DH to earn the larger wage. If she worked ft would he have cut down for childcare? Doubt it

Marcipex · 05/04/2015 20:30

Op, you are absolutely in the right.
If you take your bil in, social services will never act. Of course it's really hard, but it's your only hope of a proper placement for him.

ahbollocks · 05/04/2015 20:34

:( yadnbu
What an awful situation to be in, all round.
Not to be morbid what what if something, god forbid happened to you? If you became ill? Who would care for him then??
Its nit your husbands right to delegate to you this way, he wont be seeing clearly because he is obviously going to be in terrible anguish.
Do you have anyone who could look after your dc for a few days so you can go up there yourself and take the burden off dh?

thenightsky · 05/04/2015 20:34

Your DH won't dare to turn up with his brother in the car. You made it clear to him from day one that you wouldn't be his brothers carer. Keep that in mind.

ahbollocks · 05/04/2015 20:36

To do the hard part I mean of driving away etc? My good friend had a relative 'dumped' on her this way by social services and it destroyed her marriage within 2 years because the council would not help

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 05/04/2015 20:38

OP - my colleague was in a comparable position when her son left school and Social Services hadn't out anything in place. She wasn't about to give up work to look after him. She phoned them and told them she was going to go to work as usual and they would be responsible for the outcome (her DS can't be left alone for safety reasons). The funding came through in time. Of course she wouldn't really have left him but she had to call their bluff.

Spotifymuse · 05/04/2015 20:38

Is your marriage strong enough to survive your refusal to support your husband?

MythicalKings · 05/04/2015 20:38

If I called the police, should dh turn up with bil, can they do anything? I could refuse bil entry.

No, you couldn't. It's your DH's home as well and he can invite whoever he likes into it, in law.

I will be calling social services on Tuesday morning and lie about a serious incident they need to come out to. I will expect dh to drive off as soon as they social services come into the house with a comment of, I have to go to work in London, sorry.

I've seen some horrible stuff on mumsnet but that is the most cold-hearted thing I've read here. This is a person your DH loves and who is his family. You expect him abandon him like that?

NobbyNobs · 05/04/2015 20:39

YABU, I wouldn't stay married if I was told to ditch a sibling with a social worker and walk out on them. What sort of person would do that to family?

It's not the husband being asked to ditch the sibling really though. He's not offering to care for him. OP will be doing that.

YANBU Horrible, and I don't think you're Horrible at all. I wouldn't do it, not for a BIL or a brother. I don't think I'd do it for a child if I had a choice in the matter. If god forbid I ended up with a disabled child I wouldn't expect my other children to carry that burden either.

Moomintroll85 · 05/04/2015 20:39

Yanbu to refuse to become a full time carer especially considering you have already discussed it with dh . I can't believe his parents made no arrangements how utterly irresponsible.

Still, unless there is any threat/danger I really don't see your dh turning up with bil as a police matter. Please don't call them unless you genuinely need them. They are so overstretched as it is and surely that would only inflame the situation - especially bil if he doesn't properly understand what's happening.

Trooperslane · 05/04/2015 20:39

Tiggytape has it.

But I don't envy your situation op.

Your poor DH also

Hmm
Phineyj · 05/04/2015 20:40

I think in your situation I would throw money at the problem and pay for a carer myself while devoting every spare second to nagging the relevant council to find an acceptable solution. As you have a large mortgage, are more or less completely dependent on DH's wage and apparently he feels unable to tell his employers of his caring responsibilities, getting him back to work pronto while solving the care issue in a short term way to buy time to find a more permanent one should be the priority?

Griphook · 05/04/2015 20:40

I really feel for you and I think yanbu, but whilst you are quite right to say that you are unable to cope with looking after bil, yabu to not support your dh to do this.

This might mean that you have to work more or downsize your home to have a more affordable mortgage and you dh has more spare time

If one of your sibling/parents was ill would you be happy for DH to say not looking after them but you can't either.

Trooperslane · 05/04/2015 20:40

Tiggytape has it.

But I don't envy your situation op.

Your poor DH also

Hmm
Snoozybird · 05/04/2015 20:41

Spotify let's look at this another way - imagine that BIL already lived round the corner but just needed a carer, and the DH volunteered the OP to take on that role with very little practical input from himself? Who in their right mind would say that was acceptable? And yet because the care would be taking place in OP's own home all of a sudden she's being unsupportive to say no to this set-up?

clam · 05/04/2015 20:43

It's not too much to ask.

WHAAT??? It's a MASSIVE ask.

He has supported you working little Rather, she has supported/enabled him to continue his career.

yet gets no say in this? Sounds as though he's currently having all the say, and the OP none, at the moment. And no, he doesn't get to have any sort of "say" that dictates the OP caring for his severely disabled brother when she has always made it clear that she cannot/will not do so.

Littlemonstersrule · 05/04/2015 20:44

Mythical, it is a truly awful comment to make isn't it. How cold hearted do you have to be to do that to family.

I hope the DH sees that comment as a true realisation of the person he is married to and stands by his brother instead.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/04/2015 20:45

Social services have to play hard ball. They don't have enough space for everyone so they need to be sure that they only take those who really need it.

Fwiw they "encouraged" my (70 year old) aunt to look after my (95 year old) grandmother in my grandmother's home despite my mum saying over and over that it wouldn't work (Granny had severe dementia, was doubly incontinent, had had a stroke so was just about mobile enough to injure herself and pull out the catheter every 15 minutes 24/7 and lived 90 and 150 miles away from mum and aunt respectively so no support network in granny's home town) saying that she needed discharging from hospital and there were no care home places.

Aunty lasted a grand total of 36 hours before she phoned 999 and told the operator that if an ambulance didn't come within 15 minutes and take granny away then she would either kill herself, granny or both of them. Ambulance came within 8 minutes, poor granny in hospital overnight, care home place found the next day.

It needs to be a crisis.

Rather than the abandoning thing could your dh phone social services, say that if he doesn't get to work on Monday then he will lose his job and home (true) and that his wife has said that he will leave him if he tries to bring BIL home. (Also true.) So a crisis but a bit of warning maybe?

HeyDuggee · 05/04/2015 20:45

Fair enough if you don't want to be your BIL's carer. Your DH can quit his job and become his carer and take care of the kids.

You go get a job and support the family.

Sorted.

clam · 05/04/2015 20:46

"Is your marriage strong enough to survive your refusal to support your husband?"

Is it strong enough to survive her dh's decision to dump the full-time care of his disabled brother on her without her consent?

Stripyhoglets · 05/04/2015 20:46

Your DH needs to understand that if BIL comes to live with you temporarily, you will really struggle to get Social services to do anything they should. YANBU.

scarletforya · 05/04/2015 20:47

Yanbu.

Not in a million years should you take this on. Becoming a 24/7 carer? Your dh has a cheek expecting you to do that. If he wants to do it himself that's one thing but expecting you to is an outrage.

You didn't sign up for that. Put your foot down.

clam · 05/04/2015 20:49

Mythical and Littlemonsters You are both incredibly naive. The OP has made it clear that it is in her bil's best interests to be placed in a home near his current home. That WILL NOT HAPPEN unless they play the game correctly, which means not bringing him to their house at all until this is all sorted.

Box5883284322679964228 · 05/04/2015 20:52

Alternatively get your DH to drive BIL to the social work office first thing wednesday morning and leave him, allowing them the whole day to get it sorted. The county council have a duty of care but they are trying to push it on to your families shoulders.

Yes to him visiting for the weekend once BIL is in his new set up.

DH's duty is to get social services to set him up in an appropriate home (not yours) where he can live a full life with all the support he needs. It wouldn't be in anyone's interest (except social services) for you to house BIL in your home.

If you do house him the social workers will do very little to move him into a care home. There will be no urgency and you could easily become stuck in a very unhappy situation. It would be you rather then DH doing the caring.

I'm all for compassion and supporting loved ones. And getting BIL set up in a home is the most supportive thing you can do. If he comes to live with you and you have a break down, your marriage ends and your kids then live apart from DH, everyone's lives will be in tatters and BIL won't have a carer again

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