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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/04/2015 20:04

I agree op - they are pressurising your dh to take him on. He needs balls of steel to walk away.

Yes you can offer your bil extra support/visits in the future perhaps sacrifice holiday time for your dh to spend time with him but nope not have him move in with you. Just so Sad Angry that your PIL refused to engage in planning for bil future, so short sighted!

bonzo77 · 05/04/2015 20:05

YANBU. I would not expect my children (both boys) to sacrifice their lives, jobs, marriages for the other. If God forbid either of them (or us, their parents) go on to have long term care needs, we will do our utmost to make sure they are met some other way. OP were your PIL privy to the conversation you had with your now DH prior to getting married? I think they were most remiss not to make arrangements. They could reasonably expect their children to out live them, and therefore to anticipate this situation. It sounds like your DH needs to take some leave (unpaid if that's what it takes) to go to where your BIL lives and make arrangements.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 20:05

The problem is, like most in the South East, our mortgage is over £200k. He is he main breadwinner. I haven't had a career for 8 years so I can't earn anywhere near what he earns.

He has taken 2 weeks unpaid leave, we don't have a lot of savings, if he takes a sabatacle to look after his brother, we have no income as a family and can't pay the mortgage and other bills.

I am prepared to go without our holiday this year to count for the lost income for him looking after his brother in the short term, but that is very short term, certainly not even a month. We just don't have the money.

OP posts:
Spotifymuse · 05/04/2015 20:06

OP's post of 19.41. When she's told her DH that he has to walk out and leave his brother with the social worker? I'm sorry but that sounds as close to abandoning as it could be.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/04/2015 20:06

it's about him having familiar people around as he adapts to losing both parents.

Which is why he needs to stay where he is, in a location that is familiar and to keep attending his groups where he knows people.

keepsmiling2015 · 05/04/2015 20:06

Ok, I think that YANBU because of the care you will have to provide. It's a lot easier said than done and caring for someone is physically and mentally challenging. It's not as simple as just having him come and stay for a while if he has such extreme needs.

I'd be looking for somewhere for bil immediately, start as you mean to go on.

irretating · 05/04/2015 20:06

You're not being a cow OP, you shouldn't be forced in to caring for a severely disabled person and I think it's very unfair of your DH to try and make you.

ohtheholidays · 05/04/2015 20:07

YANBU and I say this as a Disabled person myself,I've suffered brain damage,there is no way on God's Earth I would want to move in with my Brother and Sister in law and there is no way I would expect them to look after me ever!

It's just far to much for you to take on and cope with.Your DH's heart is in the right place but take it from someone that knows he would soon regret his offer I promise!

Do like you've said and contact the social worker and DH drives off it will be undeniably hard for him but it will push them into action.

The best care is what's important for your BIL,being in a house with young children,an absent brother and a SIL that will struggle from the start is never going to be the best care for him.

AuntieDee · 05/04/2015 20:07

Having know someone who has been in this situation - don't do it! IME once you change borough you are in limbo. The new borough will insist that he is still registered with the old borough and the old borough will say they can do nothing as he no longer lives there. Your DH needs to get things sorted before he comes back or you are going to be stuck :( My friend still has her disabled grandmother living with her 3 years on :(

Maiyakat · 05/04/2015 20:07

Has anyone asked BIL what he wants? Does he actually want to move across the country away from all his friends and the environment he knows?

UncleT · 05/04/2015 20:08

Well, seems you should hold off until crunch time and hope that the council really will help him. However, if he really does end up homeless and they've done nothing to help, you would be extremely unreasonable to expect your husband to do nothing to help his brother. If nothing else right now you should at least bear in mind at all times that this entire situation is extremely stressful for your husband.

Applecross · 05/04/2015 20:08

fwiw I agree with your assessment that they're playing hardball op, I can see they hear your DH making caring noises and probably also it would be best for your BIL to be in a family situation - but I can see why you wouldn't take it on, most people wouldn't. It's hard not to do the 'nice' thing but you're right - you'll end up resentful and cross all the time. can you take a break from your work and get in ss's faces so they understand he's not moving in with you and they need to put a proper plan in place?

goshhhhhh · 05/04/2015 20:12

Fwiw, I think that your parents in law should have sorted this out. I get that siblings should look out for each other but it is not fair to ask a sibling to become a carer ( & therefore their wife). My ds has a ds that is going to need on going support & is not really doing anything about it. I worry for both my nephews, him & his dbro.
I think you are between a rock & a hard place. I think if you made yourself a pain in the neck you would be able to get help. In many areas there are specialised foster caters for adults who also help with life skills.

petalsandstars · 05/04/2015 20:13

Stand your ground- I appreciate the helping siblings comments - but the reality is he will likely end up with you forever. And it will be you dealing with everything - not DH as he'll be off to work. There's not much chance of respite or funded assistance with you having him either. I think he's actually acting out of guilt not morality - as he's volunteering you for the role essentially - so he doesn't look like a bad son or brother. Rather than thinking right this is the situation - how can i get the care Bro requires.

RandomMess · 05/04/2015 20:13

BIL won't be homeless he has the right to live in his family home...

What he is needing is a care package, and they will want to move him into more "suitable" accommodation.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/04/2015 20:13

YANBU and you're probably right to a certain extent that the Council will be as unhelpful as possible as long as they see your DH as an option for providing care. He needs to make it clear that he isn't an option. Of course, since your MIL is in hospital and presumably your DBIL's primary carer then that also means the Council can refuse to be proactive at this point.

It's very easy for your DH to offer to care for his DB when it is going to have little impact on his day-to-day life and he is not going to provide the care. Your DH is being VU.

I understand he will be stressed and grieving. It's a horrible situation but I'm afraid he has to understand and acknowledge that choosing to bring your DBIL into your home will adversely affect not only your marriage but your DCs and ultimately your DBIL. It's not rational to sacrifice your marriage and your DC's stability at home to provide support for a sibling. It really isn't. It's an emotional, irrational response which can possibly be understood at such a fraught time but your DH has to start acting sensibly as the decisions he makes now will have a massive impact on everyone in the family.

Can you possibly attend the meeting with the social worker too? Your DH may be giving a false impression of how your family will cope and the facilities you can provide. If he won't make it clear that you cannot look after your DBIL then you may have to do so. If your DH has any extended family that could help him see how selfish he is being, then it might be worth asking them to chat to him too.

GnomeDePlume · 05/04/2015 20:17

YANBU.

It isnt your DH who will be shouldering this responsibility it is you.

I also think that your DH is being a bit disingenuous. He has waited until the situation has reached crisis point. What has he done in the preceding years given that this problem hasnt come out of the blue? Or did he take a very Micawberish view that 'something will turn up'?

clam · 05/04/2015 20:18

I don't think YABU at ALL! But you need to make very clear to your dh that he is not to turn up back home with his db in the car and present you with a fait accompli.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 20:19

I told pil that I would not have him living with us. Ever.

They were life time benefit claimants. Mil was carer for Fil. Fil was carer for Bil. Bil was their income stream.

They should have put him in a home as they were getting infirm, but that would have meant shutting off a major income source. I reckon that is why they wouldn't discuss it with dh or I in the past, as the logical thing would have been to rehome bil a few years ago, but they wouldn't.

DH knows this.

I am all for dh going to Bristol regularly to check on his brother once he is homed, but not for him staying with us. Of course he can stay for the weekend etc once he has a formal home.

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 05/04/2015 20:21

YABU, I wouldn't stay married if I was told to ditch a sibling with a social worker and walk out on them. What sort of person would do that to family?

Your DH has gone through so much with his parents and now understandly wants his brother with him. It's not too much to ask. He has supported you working little, provides for his children yet gets no say in this?

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 05/04/2015 20:21

I think you need to appeal to your DH's emotional side. It wouldn't be good for his brother to uprooted from everything he knows to mooch around a family home all day. Discuss things you can do to ease the transition e.g. having. BIL to stay regularly if he would like that, without disrupting his life and cutting him off from systems which are there to give him some independence as an adult, and quality of life.

What does your BIL want? Does he understand what is happening? Social services have a duty of care for your BIL. If things aren't progressing maybe contact BIL's M.P. (Don't know how things would be affected by election), or local councillor.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 20:22

OMG Clam, if dh did turn up with bil there would be massive hysterical arguments. In fact, I think I would call the police and say that dh was being unreasonable and there was unreasonable behaviour etc.

I would refuse to let dh in with bil.

I can, in fact, see bil doing that to me.

OP posts:
Tunna · 05/04/2015 20:25

Neither of you are being unreasonable, it's a very hard decision to make in any situation. Some people will say family comes first, others will say it's got be what works best for your BIL.

It's a tough decision to make, and I admire whatever decision you come to, because there are no winners or losers, it's just about what what will be the best outcome in the long run, which no one can predict.

All ?ou can do, with the best respect in the world, is do what you can. You need to think about all your futures, and what may bring. Good luck and let us know how you get on Smile

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 20:25

But Littlemostersrule, I DID have this conversation with Dh before I married him. He agreed to it.

If I called the police, should dh turn up with bil, can they do anything? I could refuse bil entry.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 05/04/2015 20:25

He isn't asking you to let his brother live with you. He is asking you to be his brother's carer, isn't he? As he isn't going to stop working to look after him.