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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
clam · 05/04/2015 20:52

"Your DH can quit his job and become his carer and take care of the kids. You go get a job and support the family."

The OP has already said that they have a 200K mortgage to service and 3 kids to support. Jobs that can support those kind of outgoings aren't that easy to find, even supposing the dh were to put his money where his mouth is and agree to look after his brother himself so that the OP could work full-time herself. No, much easier for him to dump the problem on his poor wife.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/04/2015 20:52

Littlemonsters The husband has no intention of doing the caring himself. He wants his wife to do it. If he ditches his wife to "stand by" his brother how would that actually work? He doesn't want to do the caring. A personal ad maybe "New wife wanted. Must be prepared to care for my brother."

If the husband was willing to do the lions share of the caring himself and was discussing how he could do that then I'd have more sympathy. But he married the op after agreeing that they would not care for the brother. He can't be surprised that she now won't.

I suspect that there are a lot of people on here who have no experience of family members who need significant care.

CruCru · 05/04/2015 20:53

YANBU. I think you've behaved sensibly. It is too much to ask.

expatinscotland · 05/04/2015 20:55

YANBU. NO. You say no. And make it a dealbreaker. He wants to care for him, he does it or hires care.

MurielWoods · 05/04/2015 20:55

It is not unreasonable at all for your DH to want to provide a home and care for his brother.

However it is totally unreasonable for him to expect you to shoulder the responsibility, particularly as you have always (quite rightly in my opinion) made your position on this very clear.

Chillyegg · 05/04/2015 20:56

You certainly aren't being unreasonable about not wanting him to live at your house! Especially if you know you cant provide the right care.

Your DH cant volunteer you thats not ok.

However i feel really really sorry for your DH, his dads dead, his mams dyeing and you expect him to lie and walk out on his brother. Then the police comment?! I agree that is a really cold comment, i feel sorry for bil as well what an awful situation!

Phineyj · 05/04/2015 20:57

It is all very well getting emotional about this but kinder in the long term to everyone involved to be realistic. There is a lot riding on the DH keeping his job. That IMO should be the focus as money will make these awful issues slightly easier to solve.

It is completely unfair that OP should carry the can for her PILs failure to plan ahead.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/04/2015 20:57

It's quite obvious that the posters on this thread who are all calling the OP uncaring and cold have very little experience of caring for a mentally handicapped adult in their own home.

My family and I have been in a similar situation and I can all to clearly remember the blackmailing stunts the council tried to pull on us. YANBU OP, I feel for you.

RandomMess · 05/04/2015 20:58

I suppose all those you think OP is being awful, so she should give up her job any daytime socialising to look after her disabled bil whilst her dh life continues pretty much unaffected... of course they'll have no weekend time as a family unit out of the house of course either.

I can only think people have no idea of the reality of what will happen if bil moves in? I know of people assessed as needing 24/7 hour care and get about 30 hours per week provided instead!!! Unless you have a massive insurance pay out what is provided for is minimal.

This is actually all the PILs doing by refusing to sort it out during their latter years.

expatinscotland · 05/04/2015 20:58

'I hope the DH sees that comment as a true realisation of the person he is married to and stands by his brother instead.'

As opposed to the family he created with his wife.Hmm

meandjulio · 05/04/2015 21:00

'I'm all for compassion and supporting loved ones. And getting BIL set up in a home is the most supportive thing you can do. If he comes to live with you and you have a break down, your marriage ends and your kids then live apart from DH, everyone's lives will be in tatters and BIL won't have a carer again'

This x 1000.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 05/04/2015 21:00

I cannot stress how not unreasonable you are OP. Give the council/SS an inch, they will take (run) a mile. I feel for your husband, I do. He most likely feels he's losing his whole family,and he's trying to hold on to something. You told him this would never be an option. He must have known the day would come , where his parents couldn't do it anymore. He cant expect you to step in, and step up. It will not end well if I'm honest, mostly because when a little bit turns into months, and nothing is being done, how will your husband care for all of you when you can't cope anymore.

As for the ones on here using emotional blackmail, it doesn't matter if your family, or the closest thing to it, no one is obliged to be a carer to someone with high needs. Those who do, you're amazing , honestly. But the OP has a choice here, and they don't want to, and I don't blame them in the slightest.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 21:04

I don't want my dh to be a full time carer to his brother. That will leave his family - me and 3 children, up shit creek financially. He can't give up his job to fulfil caring responsibilities to his brother, as he would be failing in his caring/financial responsibilities to his direct family.

He can't fulfil both responsibilities.

Tell me - why is it okay for social services to work this way?

OP posts:
woundbobbin · 05/04/2015 21:05

I have two sibs who need full time care I'm very protective of them so I understand your DH's feelings. BUT my parents ensured my sibs were in supported living by the time they were in their early twenties my parents never wanted us to be put in a position of looking after them. I think it's cruel of your husband to expect you to care for his brother especially as you have said no previously and I think you should stick to it. Equally I think it would be cruel for the whole wait for the sw to get there and run plan that sw will have more to do on that day than just that case think of the impact on everyone else. I think your DH should stay with your brother until he is housed if ss start to take the piss then he leaves but give them a chance. I don't think you are wrong in this your in laws are guilty of being badly prepared its to your Bil detriment I feel really sorry for him.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/04/2015 21:06

Chilly I think that we can feelmverynsorry for Op, her Dh and her BIL. It's a really shitty situation created by a combination of the PIL sticking their head in the sand and the current underfunding of social services. If the Op could get the BIL into a group home by phoning up, putting on her best telephone voice, saying please really really nicely and saying the secret password of "flibblesquat" then I'm sure she would. But that won't work. The only waymtomget BIL the care that he needs - the best care - is by manufacturing a crisis. So she has to,do,that.

Even if it is horrible at the time.

Is it better for BiL to have 1 day of unpleasantness and (maybe) 40 years of the right care or to avoid the 1 day of unpleasantness and have months (or maybe years) of substandard care?

worridmum · 05/04/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AndHarry · 05/04/2015 21:08

YANBU. It's a horrible situation, made worse by the grief surrounding the death and impending death of your FIL and MIL, but it is not of your making. The deaths of your elderly PIL were not unforseeable; their first priority should have been putting a plan in place for BIL's care once they died/became incapacitated. That they failed to do so is not your fault. The default is not to cast the entire burden of being a full-time carer on the person's SIL, who barely knows him and has always made it very clear to all parties that she will not undertake that responsibility.

Pilgit · 05/04/2015 21:08

YANBU. Social services will try to not be responsible (for very good reasons - I.e a lack of resources). I have had recent experience with a youngster I know who the council won't help escape from a hideous home life as she's over 16 and a carer for her parents so if they house her they have to pay for carers. before anyone asks - I can't have her as she has special needs herself and my home is not Suitable.

zzzzz · 05/04/2015 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/04/2015 21:10

Worridmum, RTFT.
There is no inheritance. And there is only one cold hearted bitch on this thread and it's not the OP.

Weebirdie · 05/04/2015 21:12

As someone who's 4 children have already sorted out who's going to take care of DC number 5 I find your attitude really difficult to understand but that said it takes all sorts to make a world and everyones circumstances are different.

OverInvested · 05/04/2015 21:12

"Mythical, it is a truly awful comment to make isn't it. How cold hearted do you have to be to do that to family.

I hope the DH sees that comment as a true realisation of the person he is married to and stands by his brother instead."

My god, you patently have no idea Littlemonstersrule. No idea at all.

The OP's husband isn't trying to stand by his brother. He's trying to coerce his wife into standing by his brother.

horriblesil, you're not horrible. You're realistic, practical, you're putting your children above a non blood relative, you're trying to retain your own good mental health. If you take your BIL in you're completely correct, Social Services will have no incentive to assist in rehousing him at all and you'll be in utter misery. Our family have experience of this.

I think too that you need to sit your husband down and explain to him not just what moving BIL in would do to your marriage and your children but what his insistence that BIL moves in and you care for the man is already doing to your marriage and family life. I hope that he sees what he's doing and apologises;- that he's naive and not thinking straight rather than nasty and knowing exactly what he's proposing.

Spotifymuse · 05/04/2015 21:12

Social services are in the position they are in partly because we live in an increasingly selfish society, where people can easily absolve themselves of any responsibility they should have towards vulnerable relatives.

echt · 05/04/2015 21:13

Reported, worridmum.

Box5883284322679964228 · 05/04/2015 21:13

OP - cornered and put on the spot, social services will sort something out. I've worked with young people who have been found emergency accommodation on a Friday lunchtime, then later on were rehoused somewhere more appropriate.