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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 10/04/2015 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 10/04/2015 14:19

Good luck OP Hope its all sorted by this evening.

petalsandstars · 10/04/2015 15:26

Hopefully DH is listening to you and not being swayed by ss pressure and guilt

SauvignonBlanche · 10/04/2015 17:53

Hope you're getting somewhere.

Topseyt · 10/04/2015 17:56

Hope something was sorted. Not sure whether to think that no news is good news, or not.

GERTI · 10/04/2015 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winewolfhowls · 10/04/2015 18:55

Youre doing the right things op. Stay strong

oneowlgirl · 10/04/2015 19:57

Totally agree with Wine - stay strong!

LapsedTwentysomething · 10/04/2015 20:59

Wow.This thread has taught me something about our assumptions and expectations of women, and the strategies an overburdened SS will use to dump what should be specialised care onto them. YANBU, although that wasn't my gut reaction.

OP, I hope your bil at least has temporary care arranged by now. I would also hope your DH reaches a new level of admiration for your determination and maturity. This has to be one of those times when there's no denying that you're a fully-fledged adult, with all the trials that come with it, huh?

AspieAndNT · 10/04/2015 22:06

I think the fact that OP has not been back on here is not a good sign that all is well Sad

Topseyt · 10/04/2015 22:24

Still no news then. Not really too sure what to make if that. Hope OP and her husband and BIL are OK.

HelenaDove · 10/04/2015 22:27

Aspie i was having reservations last night and i started to get the feeling that her DH was going to bring his bro back home tonight. I realise of course that i could be wrong. OP might just be busy She does have 3 children Not getting at anyone btw

Box5883284322679964228 · 10/04/2015 22:37

I hope OP is ok.

FishWithABicycle · 11/04/2015 04:55

Perhaps in the holiday cottage with no WiFi?

petalsandstars · 11/04/2015 06:20

Oh I really hope it didn't have to come to that

KoalaDownUnder · 11/04/2015 06:47

I'm really shocked that there are so few resources available to house vulnerable adults.

And yes, this man's parents have failed him terribly. What a sad situation for him, and all concerned (including the poor OP).

Box5883284322679964228 · 11/04/2015 06:48

Maybe BIL was temporarily allocated visiting care staff?

JsOtherHalf · 11/04/2015 08:00

Care agencies cost between £14 and £18 per hour in this area. Any agency will want to have carried out a risk assessment before starting working with a client, which is unlikely to have happened in such a short period of time.
Even then, sometimes there are no staff available in any agency to carry out the work.

The gentleman concerned will need a proper assessment of his capacity as a matter of urgency. It's perfectly possible that is he is deemed to have capacity, then he has the right to refuse any help. If he has limited capacity, then the deprivation of liberty safeguards to consider.
www.scie.org.uk/publications/ataglance/ataglance43.asp

As for spaces in care homes, they operate at full occupation, filling beds which become vacant as quickly as possible. There aren't emergency spaces in most areas.

Council budgets are being slashed across the country, so social services don't have the money to do what we might like.

I believe the op's stance on this is the only one that has any chance of working...

PeachyPants · 11/04/2015 08:16

Hope everything is ok OP (don't like using your NN as it seems mean, you are not a horrible SIL) lots of people are thinking of you and wishing you a positive resolution to this very difficult situation.

Original poster
horriblesil · 11/04/2015 10:27

Good morning. Sorry I was very busy yesterday.

Dh is Not coming home this afternoon. Mil is not going to get better and likely to pass away any moment. Dh feels he wants to stay to be there till the end for her. He has cancelled the Huston trip and his work were fully supportive as it was his mother. The days off next week will be compassionate leave - although they still think his child was ill for the past fortnight. He said his mum's situation was sudden.

Social services are carrying out an assessment of bil. They have already started but want to do a few more things. They are looking to put in workers to call round 4 times a day for 10 mins at a time. However, Mon to Fri is at various day centres. We are trying to negotiate that he has care workers coming in a lot more at the weekends and for longer.

The 3 bed house with 1 person thing is something we will deal with later as we have 8 weeks till that formally applies as mil is still accounted as living there (albeit she is in hospital). Depending upon how much the rent goes up by, my dh and I may look to pay it; even if it is £50 extra a week. It would also mean that we have somewhere to stay when we go up and see him, which will be far more often than in the past. We can afford to do this but not unlimited. As it is, we will be ordering his shopping on line for him and paying for it for a weekly delivery. God bless the Internet!

DH and I are really torn about what is truly best for bil. He really wants to stay in his house as he is very close to 2 of his neighbours. He knows the surrounding roads and he can walk into town. However, if he can't cope over night he may need to go into a home. By starting off with carers calling in through the day, we can assess whether he can cope. He may surprise us. He has never been 'tested' if you know what I mean.

Also, it takes the pressure off and we can view homes to see what is out there and if bil doesn't cope we know what is available and what we are looking at. Should that happen, and I don't know if it will, then we will call in solicitors and use the contacts that you all very kindly linked me to in this thread.

I actually think bil will be happier to stay where he is with care workers (if he lets them in) than to move. Dh spoke to him about it and he said that he would rather stay in his own home. Dh said that if that was the case he would have to let the care workers in but in time he would get to know them.

My own father thinks we should wipe our hands of him financially as to find the money will mean other things don't happen. However, as I very firmly pointed out, I agreed with dh that bil would never live with us. However, I also agreed to support bil as much as possible. Dh and I even discussed over the years that if he were to die, that I would always keep and eye on bil.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 11/04/2015 10:34

Op, glad to see you're making some progress with this.

It's good you and dh are able to discuss this with taking into account yours, your bils and your dhs wishes.

Hope your dh realises how lucky he is to have you!

Topseyt · 11/04/2015 10:38

Keep strong. I remember what it was like for my husband when the death of his mum was imminent, and that was without the care crisis you have with BIL. Our crisis had passed, although my BIL will never be anything other than a walking disaster (very long and complicated story).

It sounds like you are managing to edge forward in the only way possible for now.

Good luck.

bananayellow · 11/04/2015 10:41

At least you don't seem to be at war with DH anymore.

Hope it all works out well.

aFirmGrip · 11/04/2015 10:53

OP, I wish you well. You have been very honest on here, revealed your limits and still come across as a very caring person. I think your DH and BIL are lucky to have you.

oneowlgirl · 11/04/2015 11:10

I'm glad it sounds like you're finding a way forward together. All the best.