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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:41

My dh has taken parental leave (lied and said it was for one of our children) of 2 weeks. He is at the moment on the other side of the country and looking after his brother. However, he has to go back to work on Monday next week.

He is getting nowhere with the council to get a space in a group care facility. They are around but no spaces.

I forgot to add that our eldest ds has learning issues. Not severe like his uncle but enough to be statemented and registered as disabled. I am not his carer. In terms of expecting my younger children to care for him, no I do not. I totally would never ever ever put that pressure on his siblings. My eldest child is my and my dh responsibility, not his siblings. They have to lead their own life.

If I thought that this would be 2-3 weeks max, then I would agree, but I know that this is not the case. In fact, I know that if he comes here we will be out of the local care area, which would make it all the harder to get him a home.

I had this conversation with dh on numerous occasions. We have spoken rationally about how it would pan out and the fact the council in Bristol would do bugger all about rehousing a disabled man on the other side of the country who is not homeless.

However, he is panicking and saying that there is nobody to care for him.

I have said that once the bank holiday is over, I will book an emergency appointment for a social worker to come out to the house and my dh MUST walk out and drive off, leaving his brother with the social worker, so the council HAS to take care of him.

I sound such a cow. I am being a cow. But I am human and know I won't cope.

Bil stays up playing on the Playstation till 3am and lies in bed till 12. He just won't fit into our family life here.

OP posts:
MardyPants · 05/04/2015 19:42

Don't do it. I came on the thread as I agreed to BIL living with us once, but your situation is so different to mine! But anyway, it was horrendous and nearly split us up. BIL wouldn't pay his measly £30 a week as agreed as 'skint' but always had beer money, wouldn't get a job, ate all the food and wouldn't cook for us (working) etc etc. Felt really pushed out, like I'd just acquired an extra child to look after! And that was someone with none of the issues you've described. So no way would I do that again.

I know you won't be able to help it but try not to feel guilty about saying no, OP Smile

ashtrayheart · 05/04/2015 19:43

Yanbu I work for the council (residential care finance) and you are absolutely correct - if you take him in they will not treat his case as a priority, or anywhere close to one.

Hissy · 05/04/2015 19:44

Social services will look for people to support him where he is, and for a place that's suitable where he is.

I know others will say it's heartless but you are not equipped for this.

Quitelikely · 05/04/2015 19:44

I think you are lacking in compassion here.

Also I don't think you are well informed either. If your bil is severely mentally handicapped then the onus is in the state to meet his needs. There is a legal duty. I'm assuming his parents volunteered to take care of him but once he reached a certain age they did not have to.

There is appropriate sheltered housing for people with disabilities like your bil. He won't just go into the homeless list. He will have to have his needs assessed and appropriate housing will be sort.

See it this way, his mother and father have made it their lives work to look after him, I'm sure they have thought about this current scenario a thousand times over - where will he go, what will happen etc

I think the responsibility is on your husbands shoulders to sort out appropriate housing etc

I couldn't just ignore this situation if it was my brother.

I mean what I say nicely. Smile

chickenfuckingpox · 05/04/2015 19:45

If you provide a home they will not need to provide care for him because you are caring for him adaquatly

Sorry Flowers

Quitelikely · 05/04/2015 19:45

Well a moral responsibility.

ItsADinosaur · 05/04/2015 19:46

Did your PIL make no provisions for him for when this would happen? Was it ever discussed?

mommy2ash · 05/04/2015 19:47

when my nan died my grandad needed caring for and my dad stepped up to the plate telling everyone he would do it. only he didn't do it as he was working my mom had to do it and it was very very hard on her and my grandad didn't even live with us. i think its very easy to put yourself forward in these situations when you aren't the one who will be taking on the extra work. not everyone is suited to caring for either elderly or disabled relatives. op if you are being honest that this is too much for you to handle then i think he needs to listen to that.

WinterBabyof89 · 05/04/2015 19:48

YANBU - you addressed the matter before marriage, he knew your position on providing care for his BIL, it clearly wasn't a deal breaker then as he built a life with you..

I'm sorry you're in this position as it must feel like being between a rock & a hard place, but I too would urge you to stand your ground. Hope BIL ultimately receives a good of quality care, but arranged through SS - not through compromising your family life.

thenightsky · 05/04/2015 19:49

YANBU at all.

Agree your DH should drive away once the SW turns up.

I was in a similar sort of situation in that I was a teenager in a home where similar happened. It was awful and we ended up caring for the high needs relative for over 2 years when it was meant to be six weeks!

Welshmaenad · 05/04/2015 19:49

YANBU. It is too much to ask you to take on. You are absolutely correct that once he's living with you, his local SS will not take responsibility for finding him a suitable placement. They will likely say that your own local authority will need to take responsibility for him and that will be a long process if he is house with you.

Ask your DH to ask the social worker about whether a Shared Lives Scheme would be suitable for him, this involves living with trained and vetted carers in their own homes. They may be able to find an emergency placement for him far more easily than in a group home setting. this explains more

I understand your DH's feelings of responsibility for his BIL but I e been in a position where I've sacrificed all else to take care of a family member when it wasn't really feasible or sustainable and it wrecks you. You will end up so bitter and exhausted and it will damage your marriage. I really hope he can see things from your POV.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/04/2015 19:50

YANBU I work with people with learning/physical disabilities and there has been cut backs that mean some clients have lost support hours. If your BIL was to come to you I can't see the council bothering to rush to do anything tbh.

I can understand your DH wanting to do something so, if you can afford it, could he take a sabbatical, as a pp has suggested. That way he can go across country and sort something out for his brother. I do believe that keeping things as normal as possible for his brother is in his brother's best interests.

It's not in anyone's best interests, especially his brother's, for him to come to somewhere unfamiliar, especially not if it could result in the end of your marriage. It's all very well for pps to get emotive and say "If it was your brother..." but they're not the ones who will have to deal with this.

kewtogetin · 05/04/2015 19:52

Has there never been a discussion regarding care of your BIL with your in laws when they were both alive? Surely there must have been a conversation about what would happen when they are gone?

WeeMadArthur · 05/04/2015 19:55

YANBU, as the major share of looking after him will fall to you, and him being there would have a negative impact on your family.

A friend of mine was told her FIL was moving in for a while after the death of her MIL. She was left working 4 days a week, with 15 mo twins whilst her husband swanned off to his work as a contractor which meant staying away each week from Monday to Thursday night. And then hiding in the garage tinkering with his bike or in his office on his computer because he didn't want to deal with his Dad. She felt like she couldn't say know because he was family, but it lead to the breakdown of her marriage because the pressure to cope with all of it was on her shoulders.

PeppermintInfusion · 05/04/2015 19:55

YANBU, I have dealt with similar...
You also need to think about what would happen if he outlives your DH and who would look after him then. Being in supported accommodation now, although an upheaval now, is better in the long run as your DH can ensure he has a stable environment for the foreseeable.
Did your ILs have any thoughts on what would happen?

gamerchick · 05/04/2015 19:56

It's so heartening to see people willing to help on this thread. I'm sure PMs are winging themselves to you as I type Grin

In reality, your bloke needs to make it to stay where he is and not come back till its sorted - the end.

Why haven't his parents sorted this already? I know I'll be caring for one of my kids until I die.. I know it's my job to provide care when my time is up.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:56

Some more information: In laws lived in a council house. Bil is staying in the council house, but it is 3 bedroom so he won't be able to stay there - can't anyway as he needs someone to look after him.

When dh and I discussed the future with his parents they always changed the subject. They weren't prepared to discuss it. I even said to them that he could not move in with us and we would put him in a home.

My dh and I have discussed this a lot over the 20 years I have been with him. I always said I would not be able to look after his brother. I am not strong enough mentally to cope. I would crack, even more so as I am having a gun put to my head.

When dh has said that he will never turn his back on his brother, I agreed, but my view is that is his responsibility to get him into a home. NOT to move in with us. He knows this. He really does know this. But he isn't getting him a space anywhere; they are all full.

The council have said that they will try, that there may be a space but much further away from where he lives now etc. I feel the council are playing hard ball with my dh and are playing games trying to get him to take on the responsibility.

OP posts:
spad · 05/04/2015 19:56

Yadnbu

Cheby · 05/04/2015 19:58

YANBU. Thus us a really difficult situation but you agreed this before you were married and your DH is not offering to do this himself, he's expecting you to. You're absolutely right about SS not finding a place unless its an emergency, i work in a related field and sadly finding has been cut so far that all they can do is firefighting, they definitely won't be forthcoming once he is settled at your house.

Spotifymuse · 05/04/2015 19:59

I'm sorry but I don't think that you can reasonable force your husband to abandon his vulnerable brother without even trying to care for him short term. They have just lost their dad, their mum is dying and now you expect your husband to turn his back ? Life and families are not all black and white. Situations and circumstances change and if you were run over by a bus tomorrow and your husband remarried a woman who told him she wasn't helping to care for your disabled child would that be okay?
I can understand the challenges and the upheaval but I do think that your husband has a level of responsibility towards his brother. It's not just about his physical location, it's about him having familiar people around as he adapts to losing both parents.

LittleBairn · 05/04/2015 19:59

So basically everyone in the family knew you were not prepared to take care of him but they all refused to make plans because your the woman you will be the carer if you like it or not.

CalicoBlue · 05/04/2015 20:00

YANBU

You anticipated this and made your stance clear before you married.

I would have thought that BIL's parents have made plans for what happens to him. Unless they asked your DH and he agreed a long time ago.

It would not only be disruptive to you but your kids as well. Looking after an adult with additional needs who will probably be upset and anxious with all the changes, will be very hard and a full time job.

Original poster
horriblesil · 05/04/2015 20:02

Oh, also, Bristol/Keynsham council have said to my dh that they will take a few weeks so if he could stay with us in the mean time .... then they will get a space for him.

BOLOCKS!

But dh is falling for it!

I will be calling social services on Tuesday morning and lie about a serious incident they need to come out to. I will expect dh to drive off as soon as they social services come into the house with a comment of, I have to go to work in London, sorry.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 05/04/2015 20:02

spot she's not telling her DH to abandon his brother, her husband doesn't appear to have any intention for caring for his brother.
She is refusing to be forced into the carers role in his place. A completely different scenario.

The family situation is sad but her DH and PIL always knew this day would come yet failed to make arrangements. That was their doing not the OP.