Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

[mumkee]

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Congratulations, her behaviour over your wedding sounds out of order, I hope she'll have learnt from this and won't behave in a similar way over the announcement of the pregnancy but ultimately you can't control her behaviour only your response to it. Have you discussed your feelings with DH? Could you work out a response if this happens? I do think it's up to him to take the lead on this as it is his mum. Is telling her face to face important or could you do it via e-mail or text, giving her some opportunity to process the news and modify her reaction? If not maybe just think about how you announce it, "we've got some wonderful news we're having a baby" might set the tone and make it harder for her to ask her miserable questions.

I can't help but think just text her then turn your phone off. But I'm really immature like that.

And congratulations!

I would be absolutely gutted if my sons wanted to get married in a registry office.

Congratulations.

If that is how you expect her to react, I would not tell her face to face. Maybe get DH to phone FIL and let him tell her, then she will have time to process it before she puts her foot in it.

But would you go on about it for hours to your DS and his fiancé to the extent that you soured their wedding preparations Fugacity? Being gutted about a DC wedding plans is one thing but moaning on about it is selfish and manipulative.

I would let him know that I was disappointed.

Why would you be gutted? And why would you put a downer on your sons wedding by telling him so Fugacity ?

They weren't brought up that way. Family values, etc.

Congratulations OP!

Weddings bring out the worst in people, I know it is your day but I can understand her disappointment, but not the going on about it afterwards, especially if it was a joint decision between you and your DH. I say this as a close friend had a big run in with her son's fiance prior to their wedding as basically the guest list only contained people she wanted to invite and were important to her (the bride). It's hard to explain without sounding wrong but basically she told her future MIL that she wouldn't invite the close friends that had been very very involved in her finance's upbringing. But did invite random people who she had met on holiday. The son got very caught up in the middle and ended up estranged from his mother for a while, then there was a very strained relationship, through the birth of their child, leading to her not being invited to the Christening.

I really hope that your MIL can see the joy that a baby will bring to the family, and there is nothing wrong with starting a family in your mid 20's, I can only see positives and I am very happy that I had finished having my family by 30.

Could you be projecting? Have you answered those questions yourself? Are you happy with the answers you give yourself? Be prepared for the questions. So,
Was the pregnancy planned?
Why did you choose to get pregnant instead of waiting until you had bought a home?

What's wrong with getting married in a registry office ? I don't understand. What if his wife to be isn't religious? What if he isn't religious?

Fugacity - you know you have no right to control any wedding venue though, right? And expressing your opinion in that circumstance would therefore be rude?

It would be wrong for someone with a Christian upbringing - to deny God in their marriage.

It's better than shacking up, however.

Congratulations. TBH, as an atheist who married in a registry office (as did parents and GPS) I'd be surprised if my DD wanted a church wedding. If she does however I'll be supportive, and happy as it will be her choice. As will her decision if and when to start a family, married or not.

Congratulations, and if I were you I'd simply ignore any negativity, and if it continues challenge her on it. Take control, always the best approach.

Why is getting married in a registry office incongruent with family values Fugacity?

Why should a mother withhold her opinion on a life event?

our family values, Peachy

I guess that depends on whether your DS still holds those Christian values though, if he doesn't or his fiancé doesn't then I'd suggest it would be hypocritical to get married in a church. I received a Christian upbringing but am now an atheist, DH and I had a secular wedding but it was still a big family event.

Fugacity - you have no right to dictate your DCs religion. They were raised in your faith, not their own. They will choose that for themselves as they grow up.

With weddings, there is always someone who thinks it is all about them. Usually it's bride, but sometimes it's the DM or MIL (like the OP's MIL or Fugacity).

OP, congratulations! Can your partner break the news to her over the phone.

Fugacity as a mother you raise them how to think, not what to think.

It will ultimately be their adult decision to make and you should respect that. Of course you have an opinion, but not a choice in how an adult decides to marry. If your opinion differs from their choice it would be rude to voice it.

I have a right to be disappointed, especially as they took themselves to confirmation.

Fugacity are you here all week < boom boom>

Nowt wrong with a registry office wedding if that's what a couple want .

Bloody hell, Fugacity - my MIL is hard work but I'm bloody glad she's not you. If your sons are getting married, they're creating their own families. And if they choose a registry office, it's because that fits with their family values.

Start imposing yourself on someone else's marriage and you'll soon find yourself at arm's length.