Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

166 replies

mumkee · 05/04/2015 17:20

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumkee · 06/04/2015 08:03

I think I will end up being firmer with her, from one mother to another I will have to put my foot down politely over things that I think are unreasonable.

My mil is likely to say something like 'but I thought you were waiting/ saving for..' Etc,

I should point out that she is very competitive with this woman she has been friends with for years (this lady is a total bitch and isn't even nice to mil) at the moment mil holds owning a home much higher than having a baby, she was all smug that we were getting married and this ladys son was just living with his girlfriend, but they owned their home, so the friend had 'one up'... It was pathetic.

So that's the reason she would be disappointed that we have chosen to have a baby first, the first thing she said about the small wedding was 'so how am I going to tell the office girls they cant come?'
(I had never met these people...)

OP posts:
Inkanta · 06/04/2015 08:31

Maybe your DH needs to deal with your MIL and have some boundaries in place for the future. She sounds like she could be tricky and a bit me me me. Enjoy your pregnancy and new adventure.

SpringTown46 · 06/04/2015 08:56

Mils with sons always behave a bit strangely, often behaving like children themselves using "tantrums" to get their way and feel in control

No, some (people) behave like this.

SpringTown46 · 06/04/2015 09:13

I was lucky enough to have two wonderful MiLs (my first husband died). And I now have three DiLs of my own and would say we too have good relationships.

My own mother - well, totally different story! Interfering and judgemental with little to balance the scales in her favour.

Point being, people are people, and you should deal with them on the basis of their behaviour and not let the MiL label get in the way of that too much.

Also, be a careful with pushing the Grandmother angle. Some people embrace this period with happiness and a full heart. For others, it takes a bit of adjustment and she may take it as a 'demotion' (!) This is her problem to work through though.

What might help, is for you to emphasise how happy you both are - because regardless of whatever misgivings she may have - this should be the bottom line for any parent.

Duckdeamon · 06/04/2015 09:47

Congratulations!

If she is likely to be difficult it would be better for your DH to tell her privately rather than making a big announcement with lots of people there, and he should also deal with any hassle, not your problem! neither of you have to justify anything to her!

GoblinLittleOwl · 06/04/2015 09:48

Dear me! Poor woman.

Let's hope that she, and your husband, don't ever discover that you have generated six plus pages of comments about her based entirely on your predictions of her reaction.

For goodness sake, go and share your good news.

Original poster
mumkee · 06/04/2015 09:49

Thanks for your replies, I agree springtown not all mils are like this and she is really a lovely mil most of the time, she just blurts out things when confronted with news that will change the family dynamic, she has lived for her sons for 25 years so its not easy for her to accept they are moving into their own family unit, when she has blurted out these things, she feels better, but I am always devastated and my dh is angry.

I think she may see grandma as a little bit of a demotion as you said! She doesn't embrace change in her life very well, she cries on every birthday (!) and often mourns her youth and having a young family. My mum fully embraces change and rarely worries about things slipping away from her.
My mil may have worries because my parents will be just as important to us in regards to the baby as her.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumkee · 06/04/2015 09:51

Goblinlittleowl my dh knows about this thread!

And I didn't realise so many people would offer advice either! We are telling her on wednesday,getting some champagne for them and a card and taking a scan pic!

OP posts:
WyldChyld · 06/04/2015 09:53

Christ, mumkee, she sounds a right barrel of laughs! Crying on every birthday? She sounds like she lives in cloud cuckoo land...

Maybe take a steep back and let DH take the heat lead on this!

drudgetrudy · 06/04/2015 10:04

Personally I'd let your DH tell her privately first-there is less chance of her speaking without thinking and saying something to upset you. Then take the champagne round.

Original poster
mumkee · 06/04/2015 10:05

WyldChyld

I know :( on her 50th she was really bad, we really made an effort to make sure she had a fantastic day but she was still really upset, she gets worse on milestone birthdays,

My biggest hope is that she would see the baby as a new lease of life and something she can really enjoy, that would be wonderful, ill definitely let you know how it goes!

OP posts:
Floisme · 06/04/2015 11:43

Oh dear. I remember getting a bit emotional on my 50th too - you know, thinking about how most of my life was behind me and all the things I hadn't done, yada yada yada. Is that really so hard to understand?

Your mother in law behaved badly over your wedding but then weddings do seem to do strange things to people as many threads will testify. Normally, as you say yourself, she's a nice woman and you get on really well. She may well be struggling to adjust to this new stage of her life but that is not uncommon, as you will learn yourself before too long. I agree with Goblin that she would probably be mortified to learn that you're discussing her like this.

Just tell her and end this. Please.

Inkanta · 06/04/2015 11:50

'My biggest hope is that she would see the baby as a new lease of life and something she can really enjoy, that would be wonderful'

Don't expect too much though - I think she may make it all about her, and she could rain on your parade.

You enjoy this next stage of your life - that's the main thing.

momtothree · 06/04/2015 12:59

I often wonder if this is generation thing - maybe MIL had expectations of DIL having to be respectful keep quite do as she asks etc .... where now youngsters are allowed to know their own minds and have freedom and choice? Maybe she was looking forward to being in charge as her mother and GM before her - im not saying its right - just not prepared for the change in attitude?

Andrewofgg · 06/04/2015 13:27

mumkee Please tell the sentimental slushpots of both genders how she reacts!

drudgetrudy · 06/04/2015 14:55

I'm surprised that she had her 50th fairly recently-I was picturing her as quite a bit older.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 06/04/2015 15:35

Jesus! I went clubbing on my 50th with my dh who was also celebrating his 50th. Some saddos on here.

mils with sons always behave strangely ??? Really mumsnet at it's most twattish unfortunately very nasty and sexist. Very sad.

Op your mil needs a life away from her adult children. Most of us mils contemplate our adult children moving on as fantastic.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and put her in her place.

drudgetrudy · 06/04/2015 15:40

Yeah! I was wondering why she needed a "new lease of life" in her early 50s.

Amber76 · 06/04/2015 16:09

I had been with my now she for 6 years when I got pregnant - it wasn't planned. My then bf was sick at the thought of telling his mother. He downed 2 quick whiskeys before going in to her!
She was awful - made a huge fuss. Insisted that we must get married straight away! Offered to pay for the whole wedding if we would do it within 3 months... At one point my she announced that we would all be dead in 100 years and none of this would matter...
She rarely acknowledged the pregnancy but made a point of congratulating us a lot when our lovely baby was born.

My advice - keep the announcement short and simple....don't linger, have an excuse for why you need to head off..... Claim morning sickness if needs be!

PipeDownSmallFry · 06/04/2015 16:10

Hi, congratulations! Exciting times. My MIL is great but my mum is hard work and we always have to employ coping strategies for dealing with her.

Could you plan to do something after visiting MIL? Prepare yourself for her reaction but then tell her you can't stay too long as planning to go out for a meal? Book a table somewhere nice so you and DH can debrief and have a laugh about it? Or go to the cinema to take your mind off it all?

It's not worth getting too worked up about it, MIL won't think too much of her reaction and you will be left stewing over it. Don't let it spoil the excitement of the pregnancy.

fannyfanakapan · 06/04/2015 16:22

OP I feel for you - my mother is the same. On hearing that I was getting wed, she declared "Well I hope you dont expect me to come over for the wedding..." (they live in Africa)

When hearing about our first pregnancy "Oh" and later "Well dont expect me to be there for the birth, I hate winter in England"

And hearing about second child, also winter baby "Why do you have December babies?"

When No 3 was due, mid November, she arrived in late October, stayed for 2 weeks and then declared she was going home. A week before I was due.

I have nothing to do with her these days.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 17:29

How about making yourselves a bingo card and tick off which outrageous possible reaction MIL comes out with? That way you are more likely to laugh it off than find it hurtful.

Floisme · 06/04/2015 18:19

Well I don't think I'm normally considered a saddo! But I'm much more aware of my mortality than I used to be, mostly due to ageing, bereavement and health scares. Normally I use it as a spur to getting a move on with my life while I still can but occasionally it does make me stop and think and maybe it's the same for the op's mother in law, that's all. Pure speculation of course but then so is most of this thread.

Original poster
mumkee · 06/04/2015 18:39

Floisme I hear what you are saying and it is speculation, we are only going on what her past reactions to big events have been like. I don't have a problem with her at all, its just the outbursts at these sort of times can be a bit upsetting for us. I just hope she is generally happy and we will be including her in the pregnancy as much as possible.

Fannyfanakapan oh my goodness your mother sounds really mean, it seems she's not really interested in you are your family at all! I think you were right to limit yourself from her and get on with things!

We did think today about my dh announcing it to her just on his own as a few people suggested, but then it sort of felt like we hade done something wrong by planning to have a baby!

This was not meant to be a rant/ mil bashing thread btw, I did genuinely start it to get other people's perspectives and stories about similar experiences so we could decide if our approach to telling her was a good one.

OP posts:
mommabear12 · 06/04/2015 21:53

Apologies I didn't mean all mils with sons - of course that would be ridiculous, I meant emotionally dependent mils with sons! Sorry it was a late night post and I wasn't thinking and typing coherently snd you can't correct posts once they've gone!

Swipe left for the next trending thread