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AIBU?

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Original poster

Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

166 replies

mumkee · 05/04/2015 17:20

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:01

Sorry,I'm don't get the joke.

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:02

They can, big, but I can also be disappointed.

PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:02

Yes of course you have a right to be disappointed, you don't have the right to go on and on about it to the point that you sour your DC'd wedding which is what happened to OP.

kittyvet · 05/04/2015 18:03

Congratulations! A recent mum myself I have found nothing focuses the mind of that kind of a MIL like a baby! At the end you hold all the cards if she wants visitation!
And fugacity why should an atheist compromise on their beliefs anymore than a Christian? Wedding venue up to the couple- clearly son didn't want a church wedding.

MsPavlichenko · 05/04/2015 18:03

Fugacity, your children's marriages are only a family event if they choose to invite family along. Otherwise it is entirely between them and their partner. You can express an opinion certainly (unwise if unasked for, IME), but nothing to do with you otherwise.

Bigoldsupermoon · 05/04/2015 18:03

But anyway, enough of old joy-bones there; congratulations OP! Flowers

I agree with PPs - plan your response in case MIL does give it what for; get your DH on side and don't tolerate any bullshit. If she can't keep her griping to herself, leave her alone until she can. You enjoy your time. xx

comeagainforbigfudge · 05/04/2015 18:04

Congrats OP!

If it's any consolation. I'm not married and one of the first things my dad asked was if it was planned.

I'd get used to that question as it's been asked by various people over past 6 months!

I got DH to tell his folks, whilst I told mine.
Both of us did it over the phone (I was not in any fit state for company/visiting).

Make sure both you and DH are on same page and set a zero-tolerance for any antics.

On the other hand she may totally surprise you!!

As for a registry office wedding, it sounds ideal!!

Good luck Easter Smile

TerryTheGreenHorse · 05/04/2015 18:04

Looks like your MIL found the thread OP.

GailTheGoldfish · 05/04/2015 18:04

Fugacity, I would really urge you to tread carefully if one of your DC does decide to marry in a registry office. I'm the atheist child who was raised in a church family and I did marry in a registry office. I can't forget the reaction when we announced out engagement, it hurt. If you truly value your relationship with your DCs you will understand they need to make their own choices and your disappointment doesn't matter and is best kept to yourself.

Projection over. Sorry for the hijack, OP. I wish you luck and many congrats on the baby Flowers

WeAllHaveWings · 05/04/2015 18:06

Fugacity You don't have the right to be disappointed in your adult children's religious beliefs (if they choose to change them). That would be selfish as you would only be considering your own happiness and beliefs and not wishing them happiness with their own. I wish my child happiness whatever path they decide to take.

NerrSnerr · 05/04/2015 18:07

YANBU. She sounds like a pain. Maybe you should introduce her to Fudgacity?

MillieMoodle · 05/04/2015 18:07

OP, I'd agree with beginning the announcement with "we have some wonderful news" so it's harder for her to criticise. If she asks difficult questions, just try to stay positive in your replies, don't let her be centre stage - this is your news and wonderful news it is too! Congratulations!

Fudacity - I was a practising catholic when I got married. We didn't get married in church for two reasons. Firstly, I wanted the ceremony and reception to be at the same venue so that my 93 year old (catholic) grandmother would not have to travel far or get too tired. Secondly, my husband is an atheist and our compromise was that if we didn't get married in church, any future children would be baptised as Catholics. I like to think that my God would be forgiving and understanding of my reasons for not marrying in church. And DH and I did "shack up" together before we were married Shock

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:07

It's usually in a young couple's best interests to have family on board.

I don't have a lot of say in my sons' future plans, other than to be elated/disappointed. I do have a fair say in my daughters' and I can't imagine being involved in excessive funding of a registry office wedding.

PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:09

Fugacity have you just landed from the 1950's? Grin

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:10

No, not at all.

MillieMoodle · 05/04/2015 18:11

Grin Peachy, that's what I was wondering!

Talkingmouse · 05/04/2015 18:13

I fear whatever you do you will get it 'wrong' in her eyes, by the sound of past behaviour. So just tell them asap, and try not to stress about her and her reactions. Can you tell her together with bil present too, and do it at a neutral venue (I.e. definitely not in her house). Less chance for her to act like a spoilt child. If she does, breezily say you have to go and do x, then leave.

Enjoy this very happy time with your dh.

Ignore fugacity.

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:14

Fugacity- Thanks for your opinion but tbh I really couldn't care less about what you think, my MIL was only bothered because of the SIZE of the wedding, she wanted a bigger more expensive affair, she was raised in a family of 8 children and hardly had anything as a child, now she has a tendency to want to show off because she has a really good job and does well now- nothing to do with religion. You are entitled to your opinion but I'm entitled to mine too and I think I would be worried if you were my MIL tbh...

Moving on!
Thank you for the replies! We wanted to sneak a bottle of champagne into the house, and give them a card (under the guise as a thank you card for my birthday presents last week) when they open it it will say congratulations with a picture of the baby. She likes really sentimental things and gets emotional so I think she would like a big hoo hah. I've decided if I maybe go out of the way to make her feel special she will be more relaxed about the news..

She just tends to pour things out without thinking, often she regrets it later. My hubby ALWAYS pulls her up on things when she is unreasonable so at least he will have my back, I just dont think we should answer questions like 'was it planned' and what not.. she still treats us like we are children sometimes... thats my worry.

OP posts:
LokiBear · 05/04/2015 18:14

Congratulations, op. I agree with the posters who have advised you to begin with 'we have some wonderful news'. I suggest telling your parents first, do that if mil does kick off, your dh will be under no illusions as to how utterly unreasonable she is being because he will have seen your own families' happy response. If she starts, let him deal with her. Good luck.

Joyfulleastersquad · 05/04/2015 18:15

Any waaaay -

Op - don't be around when she's told. She will act up, let her. the less people there for her to act up to the better.

You will never be able to change the way she behaves - never. What you can do is manage how her behavour effects you.

By the sounds of it telling her about the baby is the least of your problems , when baby gets here will be a whole new level of drama !

Set your stall out now !

Ffuchsia · 05/04/2015 18:16

Well said Mumkee!

Don't let her spoil your excitement, enjoy your pregnancy!

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:16

and can I say as well Fugacity (because your posts are really annoying me and have nothing to do with what I'm asking)

We paid for our wedding OURSELVES, every PENNY, we didnt need a bit of help from family and had a fantastic day. I hope your kids do the same so you can't control their plans at all...

Sorry getting really annoyed >:(

OP posts:
Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:17

terrythegreenhorse haha! no my MIL is not religious! :D

OP posts:
PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:18

I think you may end up very disappointed if you are assuming that you can "have a fair say" in your daughters' weddings because you are planning to hold the purse strings. I actually think it's a shitty thing to try and impose your will through money but your daughters' may decide that your "fair say" comes at too high a price and fund their own weddings (if they marry). Seriously though I don't know how old your DC are but I'd really think about what you've said here and the potential impact of behaving in this way on your relationship with your DC when they reach adulthood.

WyldChyld · 05/04/2015 18:19

Fug, what if one of your darling children shack up with and then marry someone like me - Jewish. We had a civil ceremony and will have naming days as opposed to christenings for our children.

OP, congratulations! Why not talk to your DH about speaking to DFIL and telling him you have some important news but are worried about DMIL? He might be able to cut her off if she started spouting ofg

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