Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

[mumkee]

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

Oh I know, if she asks if it was planned just look confused and say you don't really understand how babies happen. Could she explain?

Fugacity, is taking pleasure in 'riling' people part of your Christian, family values?

Hypocrite.

OP, make very clesr from the start of the conversation that you are very haopy about the news, perhaos allow for some self indulgence if you know she is that way, something like 'we have some really good news! It might be a bit of a surprise, but we have wanted a baby for a while, and we are so pleased to bexx no of weeks!' Fling yourself on her for a hug and say 'I knew you'd be thrilled'.

I had very similar reservation, OP. We rang my MIL while we were away on holiday to tell her that we were engaged and were met with silence from her and the phone being awkwardly passed around the other family members, except MIL, who had mysteriously disappeared to 'the loo'. It hurt a lot and I'll never forget it. It confirmed my suspicions that she thought I 'wasn't good enough' for her son. On returning from holiday we arranged to pop by to see them hoping she might have had a chance to think about her orginal reaction and redeem herself. Barely a mention or a word of congratulations. We were both gutted.

I was dreading telling her I am pregnant and fully expected the same reaction. We did it in person, and I went along because I wanted to see the reaction first hand so I couldn't convince myself I'd imagined it this time. She was visibly shocked but it was actually a lot better than I'd imagined, if that helps. My response to the 'was it planned?' question (which will come, and from people you wouldn't expect!) was to smile and and say 'yes' and leave it there as I think she wanted me to say no. Maybe prime your DH to say that rather than you, to emphasise to her that it was a choice you both made, if it helps?

I'm more nervous about how she'll be when the baby arrives - if yours is anything like mine, you'll get lots of references about how it's 'her baby' or 'my boy's baby' Steel yourself, get your biting lip ready and good luck :-)

Let us know how you get on!

I will do! and thank you for the lovely comments, I worried I got a bit too defensive over some of the comments on here but it just really annoys me when people push their beliefs onto their kids then carry on being entitled and pushy with it when the kids grow up..thats all...

pepperfish- what was it with your MIL (every one has something that sets her off!) mine gets upset when she feels like her own family is slipping away, like her boys moving out, meeting people, getting married etc! so anything like this she gets upset because they are moving away from him even more, he now not only has his wife to think of but his own child, so shes even further down in the pecking order! I cant believe your MIL asked if it was planned, I mean, thats a horrible question, do they forget that its their grandchild they are talking about too??

Im really nervous about the baby arriving, its the first grandchild for both sides so there will be a bit off pulling from side to side I think, she can be very over bearing, but I think apart from the odd comment about some things (a homebirth really?!, breastfeeding, home schooling, what the baby is wearing...) I think she will be on her best behavior!

Im really lucky that everyone thinks she is being unreasonable and pulls her up on it, even my DFIL

We are kindred spirits,I had it about a homebirth, breastfeeding and home schooling. Can't remember about what the baby was wearing but probably got that too.

I think jesus must be thrilled that women like fugacity are using gods word to control their family's like loons spread good will.

I think he is giving her a fist bump right now.

Given that the Jesus of the gospels sounds like a scruffy young New Age traveller who spent a lot of time hanging around on the wrong side of the tracks with Dubious Types, I imagine he'd join with the eye-rolling at Fugacity.

Who would have been triply horrified at my wedding which, despite my devoutly religious upbringing, was (a) in a registry office (b) at almost 9 months pregnant (c) performed without anyone but two witnesses present and (d) not mentioned to family for several months.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. I loved being pregnant. Don't let your mil spoil a second.

grannytomine aw wow are you a homebirth 'hippy' too! :D and homeschooling as well what a coincidence! we decided to home school years ago before we decided to have children! since then we have been collecting resources and such to help us so we will be a bit more prepared hopefully!

she knows about the homeschooling and is weirdly supportive over it! even sort of proud and braggy about it to other people D:

nunkspugget- thats what annoyed me so much! the hypocrisy! and I felt that because we are not religious we dont have as good 'family values' or our marriage somehow meant less in the eyes of these people..

Ladygregory- you are a legend! that sounds like such an amazing set up for a wedding haha! :D

mumkee

Congratulations!! I was lucky - my fMIL cried with joy :) I hope yours does the same.

Will you come back to this thread and keep us updated? I'd love to hear how it goes x

AuntieDee aw you sure were lucky! I just dont want her to get upset that shes loosing out in some way, she has so many things to look forward to!

I really will come back here and tell how it goes!

I second AuntieDee, I would love to know how it goes. The home birth is lovely and home schooling is great. I feel so lucky that I was able to do that. You are going to have so much fun.............

The biggest scandal with me was breastfeeding till they were 3, no one could get that one.

OP I got the 'was it planned?' from my mother, when i fell for DD2

I simply said yes, and felt a bit hurt. What i really wish i'd said - and what i think people like your MIL who ask that question deserve - is a good roar of laughter from the pair of you and an obvious nudge/wink between you and your DH with a loud ''oh my GOD yes! Phew! We've been trying hard haven't we honey?!''

What is it with rude questions. My youngest child being wheeled from delivery room to ward the porter asked "same fathers?"

We sent both parents a pictures message as one set lived in a different country of our 12 week scan. We were meeting up with inlaws later same night anyway so gave them a chance to digest the news and get excited before we saw them - mil famous for foot in mouth, not thinking first comments.

"Was it planned?" is a fairly normal, if rather personal, question. Many people asked me that - with both kids - and I wasn't the least offended. One was, one wasn't - and it makes no difference.

I do wonder how all these smug "I do it my way and MIL can eff off as she is irrelevant" people are going to feel when all the "values" they have so lovingly taught to their DC are swept away by a new DiL.

I treat my MiL with respect even though we don't have a lot in common. I have grown to love her over the years. She gave my DP many of the values that I admire in him, the education I respect, the health he enjoys, the support and encouragement he needed to be as successful as he is. I care very much about her place in the family and I hope my DS and DD choose partners who respect me as much as my DC love me, however difficult I might be on occasion.

mumkee

Without a doubt it's the 'my baby boy is growing up' anxiety - when we moved into our first proper home together - an hour away from DH's home town (a tactical move to get away, from both of us, although she'd never believe that!!) we had an angry, indignant outburst followed by 2 weeks of silence. Such selfish, manipulative behaviour. I get by by reminding myself that I am glad I am not like her in that respect.

Ours is also the first grandchild. The overbearing comments seem to have improved a little since DH sat her down and explained that she wouldn't be at the hospital for the birth as she assumed, and she - along with other family - would be able to visit in good time once we were ready (I wasn't there for that chat, but I wish I was a fly on the wall!) I'm quite nervous though that she will turn up regularly at our house while I'm on maternity leave as a few comments have been made. Strongly suspect she will be the type to whisk DD from my arms at every cry and make passive aggressive comments about how 'mean your mummy is making you upset, isn't she horrible etc etc' (she already talks to my stomach like this). Urgh.

Do you live very close to your MIL?

Engeika -

I see what you are saying, and I suppose I am in the 'MIL can eff off' category to a certain extent. I believe respect is earnt though,

Oops posted too early there -

... I just don't buy into the matriarch hierarchy thing. As far as I can see, MIL and I are simply two women at different stages of life, neither above each other. I expect the respect I deserve for my actions, and vice versa. I really hope I hold this view when it becomes my turn at being a MIL.

engeika

I hear what you are saying and I DO have a really good relationship with my mil 90% of the time, I have never directly confronted her when she upsets me, because I don't want to give her reason to fallout with me, my husband always sorts her out if she has been unreasonable as its usually directed at both of us.

I am very understanding that it must be hard for her at this stage of life being so close to her children who are growing up and I've always accommodated her, I made sacrifices for the wedding to suit her and involved her in all the planning, I want her to be a central part of our baby's life too, it's just she sometimes has these outbursts and forgets that these hurtful things jeopardise our relationship.

pepperfish

Your mil sounds exactly like mine, does she only have boys as well? Mine has two sons, my dh and his brother. I come from a family of girls so I make an effort to include her in the girly things and not leave her out. She really annoys my dh more than me I would say, because she still sees him as a little boy sometimes, she comments on his appearance in a disapproving way and makes fun of him (then he tells her to shut up)

At first she was very passive aggressive towards me and I could tell she was upset that her son had a girlfriend and she was losing him, but as time has gone on this has improved. Your mil sounds a lot more disrespectful than mine, commenting already on your mothering and such, mine is more careful not to single me out for scrutiny, because she knows dh would say something to her.

Your dh sounds like he can handle her though, sitting her down and explaining about the hospital must have been a weight off your mind.

What a shame you feel so nervous about telling her such good news. If she's sensitive about being pushed out of her sons' lives and being irrelevant then perhaps you could frame the news in a way that includes her eg "you're going to be a grandma!". You do have my sympathy though - when we told my mil she said "but I thought you were saving for a new kitchen!"

It sounds as though you are remarkably tolerant of this woman but a word of warning - you will find it harder to be like this once you have your baby. You will feel so much love and protectiveness towards your little person, you will be doubly angry and bitter if mil is being indulged at the expense of your baby and the way you want to raise him/her. So I would suggest that you adopt a polite but firm approach towards her from now on.

Mils with sons always behave a bit strangely, often behaving like children themselves using "tantrums" to get their way and feel in control. You don't need to fall out with her but don't spend the rest of your lives tiptoeing around her - this is your life not hers.

It's all fascinating, my mil had/ has this totally weird obsession with your 20s being the best time to have a baby, yes even if you don't want one . So these posts where people go on about mil thinking they are too young confuse the beejesus out of me. OP It's your life, your decisions and none of her business whether you have a mortgage or not.

In terms of the church wedding and otherwise refusing to contribute. Have these children been brought up to be so grabby that they would put money over their principles? All in the name of family values and religion. Not a very Christian attitude.

OP Congratulations. My MIL was also given to interference but when she heard DW was pg, first grandchild, she was delighted (and weepy) and you may get the same.

She also put her oar in about how DW should cope with pregnancy, but DW very firmly put her oar out again!

Good luck. Tell us how it goes.

That's great advice mommabear12,

Your points do concern me, up til now I have found it easy to accommodate her but I think it will be a different story with a baby that I have wanted for so long. In my family its all head strong girls and my mum never interferes, I wasn't used to a mother who used guilt to get her own way. When we moved out she regularly sent my dh long rambling texts about how he had abandoned his brother and she felt him slipping away. The problem is she says these things and hurts us but then totally warms to the idea and we are left feeling upset by the out bursts.

We have already dropped little hints in the past about how we would behave with a baby and she knows I am not easily manipulated, I wasn't raised that way. It doesn't work on her sons though either, they just get really angry and fall out with her, so I don't know why she is still like this really!

We are pushing the grandma thing a lot in the pregnancy announcement to make it personal to her, I hope she remembers that in the past I have never pushed her out and I wont this time either. She just goes over my head and straight to my dh, but he tells me everything she says, he showed me an email she sent him explaining how she cries because he has left the family and has his own to think of... This behaviour behind my back is what leads me to distrust her, and it really hurts me that deep down she must still see me as the person who took her son away :(

Just bizarre, she thinks you are the one who is not mature enough to have a baby? .