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Original poster

Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

166 replies

mumkee · 05/04/2015 17:20

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 05/04/2015 18:40

OP - I could have written your post!

I think it would be very bad manners of your MIL to say something like "Was it planned?" and you have the right to look shocked and not deign to reply if she does come out with this. Seven years together, married... surely it's not totally unexpected. I would think in advance of what she's likely to say & have your responses prepared - "Well, we're happy!"

As was said to me - put your armour on. You know you're likely to get a hard time so be prepared. FWIW, she's envious of your position at her DS's side, which is daft as you'll never be his mother & she's never be his wife.

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:40

Noodledoodledoo oh what a horrible reaction I hope your DH supported you, and too lose your own mother who would have loved it that must have been so hard :(

Minimising would be a good idea as last time I dwelled on what she said for ages afterward and just got more and more upset!

OP posts:
Joyfulleastersquad · 05/04/2015 18:42

My phones be is really slow at loading tonight but if every ignores the derailer - they might go away!!

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:43

grannytomine- oh my goodness that sounds like a nightmare! so good you can laugh at it together now!

MirandaGoshawk you hit the nail on the head there, she does feel like I have taken him away I know she does, she told him on the night before his wedding that she was crying and thinking of him forgetting her to look after his own family, So Im concerned she will see the baby as another nail in the coffin of their mother/son relationship!!

OP posts:
grannytomine · 05/04/2015 18:45

It has given us some laughs, maybe you could picture my MIL smashing dishes if your MIL gets upset. Might give you the giggles as well which might make her stop and think. Do come back and tell us how it goes.

FernGullysWoollyPully · 05/04/2015 18:46

My MIL started crying and actually foot stamped like a child when dh told her we were expecting. Admittedly, we were not married at the time and hadn't been together that long but it was a total overreaction! She did calm down when she realised it had nothing to do with her.

This time, I was quite worried obviously.... She hugged us both and couldn't have been more full of congratulations if she'd tried! As we left I said to dh "It's ok. We're married now we're allowed to have sex!"

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:49

FernGullysWoollyPully- ooh goodness! what a mess, DH's cousin had a baby end of last year, the pregnancy was a total surprise to the whole family and she had not being with the dad long, everyone was totally over joyed! so im sure my pregnancy will be met with nice comments from the rest of the family! She does just get a little bit overly concerned about how things will change for her...

OP posts:
WyldChyld · 05/04/2015 18:52

What about almost going in on the attack? So take a card with a copy of your scan (if you have one) and a card saying something like "hi Granny and Grandpa! I'm on my way! See you sometime in November!" Or whenever you are due and something equally cutesy. She would look exceptionally churlish to kick off then!

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:54

WyldChyld thats just what we were planning to do! we wanted to make a big happy scene! My MIL knows how much we wanted a baby, Im hoping it wont shock her to much,

But then again we were engaged and always told her we wanted a small wedding and that didnt soften the blow once we booked it!

OP posts:
WyldChyld · 05/04/2015 18:58

Hopefully, you might find that a baby is less hard to be upset about - if she was pleased about the engagement etc and you go in on the attack then she will hopefully not get chance to be annoying! I'd go all out with champagne / card / scan etc

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 19:00

Well since she was upset about the wedding because its a one day even, a baby is more of a lifestyle thing so she might be less inclined to be concerned shes missing out in some way!

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 05/04/2015 19:01

mumkee I go through phases of finding it really hard, I lost my mum 10 years ago and know she would have been such a fab Grandma which highlights even more how rubbish they are.

Luckily they live quite a distance away so it's not a daily issue but various things really rub it in. We went to visit (they will never come to us) and she spent more time watching something on netflix that my DH had downloaded for her (its his account as she refuses to pay grrr) than being interested in her GD!

DH gets very hurt by it all so I try not to vocalise my concerns as he is normally feeling the same but tries to put a brave face on, it tears him up, but nothing he ever says seems to make a difference. We continually invite them to stay, visit, etc but its always thrown back with excuses of they can't drive that far etc etc but then next week they are driving within 10 mins of our house twice on the way to somewhere (double the distance) but won't pop in to say hello!

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 19:07

Noodledoodledoo That is really hard on your DH to have a mother that doesnt seem that interested, she sounds really selfish and out of order.

I know its hard for my DH too if his mother plays up, he gets concerned about my feelings but I try not to make too much of a scene as I dont want him caught in the middle!

OP posts:
alwaysstaytoolong · 05/04/2015 19:16

Thanks to Fug I DID find Jesus.

He was behind the sofa.

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 19:20

alwaysstaytoolong hahaha! Grin

OP posts:
zzzzz · 05/04/2015 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumkee · 05/04/2015 19:33

zzzzz- it is horrible isn't it! Luckily we were only trying two months, we were VERY lucky to fall so quickly, but the trying was a long time coming, we have been saving, getting our jobs secured and our house then getting married, all in prep to start a family, that was our dream, so we have worked really hard!

Ill be so annoyed if she thinks its a fluke! no matter how prepared we are for something she always talks down to us! It drives my hubby mad because he really hates it when people treat him like a child, it makes him feel like people think he cant take care of his family, which is his worst nightmare! :(

OP posts:
momtothree · 05/04/2015 19:35

Try a bit of reversal ... copy what she says was it planned?....silence ,... ball now in her court to explain further ..., try it....... works wonders :)

momtothree · 05/04/2015 19:39

Another thought ..., how about well youll laugh ... we were in the car park ... you know ... and the condom split. .... then ... start sniggering ... oh and drop a few crap name suggestions. ... we thought ...xxxxxx

Libitina · 05/04/2015 19:40

Congrats OP. If she asks if it was planned say no, you both got carried away in the mment and go into detail about what you did and how you did it and how many times and where until you embarrass her. Wink

Libitina · 05/04/2015 19:41

Momtothree, great minds etc...

Libitina · 05/04/2015 19:41

*moment
not mment

drudgetrudy · 05/04/2015 19:44

Let your husband tell her and if she says anything negative give her a strong warning not to say anything of that kind to you.
FWIW-my own parents were very negative when I told them I was pregnant- I was 27. First comment "You might as well have left school when you were 16".
They were devoted grandparents.

ememem84 · 05/04/2015 19:49

agree. is she asked "was it planned?" ask her "what do you mean...was what planned?"

respond with a question, and she'll have to explain what she means. Obviously this is only if she says anything.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 05/04/2015 19:52

It never ceases to amaze me how some Christians can be the most unChristian people.......