Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

[mumkee]

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

I have a similar MIL. We get on, but not comfortably. Thankfully PIL live in a different country.

She discouraged to marry too soon as HER SON is too young (he was 30) and questioned our decision buy a house etc.

Anyway, I am pregnant now with her 1st grandchild. When we told her she was to be a grandmother she said 'I'm a bit shocked, I can't stay on the phone'

She called back 5 mins later to say she was happy for DH, but she is far too young to be a grandmother. FIL was thrilled and really excited.

To me, the first thing she said on the phone was 'was it planned'?

When they came to visit a month later her question (out of ear shot) was 'were you jealous that your younger sister started a family before you?'

She seems to have warmed up abit now, but her reaction/behaviour does worry me.

No advice for you really mumkee but you cannot control her reaction. Whatever my MIL says from now on, I've decided not to take it personally....let us know how it goes!
Good Luck x

OP

I agree with others

I can guess she will continue to say things, because of her own hangups and projections, that WILL annoy and upset you if you let them.

So prepare for thos with assertives comebacks, jokey ones, or silence, whatever is your style.

Then shrug it off

Mils with sons always behave a bit strangely, often behaving like children themselves using "tantrums" to get their way and feel in control

Mine doesn't.

And having 2 DS's myself it's good to see how I'll act later on in life. Nothing like a sweeping generalisation eh?

It does make me laugh that so many mumsnetters seem to think it's only mothers of sons who have this image. Because no man has ever been heard complaining about his mother in law, oh no

I think that dh's mu would have been very happy to hear we planned to get married and over the moon about a baby. It was my mum that was tricky, mainly because she didn't like dh much. Having said that I think wedding planning is very different to a baby announcement. Lots of people get very odd about weddings, and the OP's MIL clearly had something very different in mind.

I'm also not sure why the OP thinks that 'was it planned' is such an offensive question. She will probably be asked it many times as it's one of the most common things people ask, mostly as a way to check to see if it's happy news I think, but partly because people just do ask dumb questions. Plus many babies aren't planned, I think stats show something in the region of 30% or so. My ds was planned, dd was an accident, when asked I said so, no big deal.

I agree that weddings bring up a surpassing amount of weirdness.

But if someone has form for getting upset about, then commenting on things that are really not their business, they are likely to do it about parenting

surprising not 'surpassing'

'So prepare for those with assertives comebacks, jokey ones, or silence, whatever is your style.'

Yarp - wise words.

Her reaction is her reaction, it has nothing to do with your reality unless you make it so.

The same with Fug - MiL (and prospective MiLs) are entitled to their opinion, however you just thank them for their input, state you are sorry they feel that way, and then politely go your own way.

I would be disappointed if my children chose to get married in black, call their children names that they might regret later, emigrated etc. However, having expressed my opinion I would be even more disappointed if I hadn't given them the skills to consider, debate and accept or reject another person's viewpoint in an objective manner. Their lives - and hopefully I have brought them up in such a way that they can live them independently and successfully without being tied to my apron strings, or being emotionally estranged.

Congrats on the pregnancy .

Me and DH had been married for three years, together for seven when we started trying, so it was hardly out of the blue. When we went to tell DM the wonderful news she just went "Oh!" and then just sat there with this rictus grin on her face, occasionally looking around and blinking a lot as though she was waiting for someone to go "NOT REALLY, HAHA!" I'll never forgive her for it. She wasn't remotely interested in the pregnancy, other than to be disappointed it was a girl, and to tell me why I didn't need to bother with any of the things she bought, and how her way of parenting was all I needed to know. She spent the first few months desperate to hold DD and then totally ignoring her when she had her. Luckily DD is a smart cookie and started refusing to go to her, or cried when she held her, so she's had to put a lot more effort in now :D DF was over the moon, as were MIL and FIL so that made up for it a little.

your MIL sounds like terribly hard work.
is she mentally ill? sounds like she is.
congrats on the baby, by the way.

OP Please tell us how it went!

We told her yesterday eve... Went as well as could be expected. We were all sitting down then dh came out with it, her face just fell and she said 'you're too young to be a dad' he's nearly 27.
Then while fil and bil were over the moon for us, she was in the kitchen messing about, we just left her too it.

She asked us the usual questions, spoke to us like it was a fluke or an accident and surely we didn't have enough savings/ job security etc... It hurt me because for the past year we have been saving for a baby and getting our careers to a good place, I though she realised that.

Apparently she has already been showing off to her friend that she's going to be a grandma, so i have no idea how she feels really...

She is a piece of work, isn't she? I have some sympathy for your FIL and the uncle-to-be. Make sure he learns to change a nappy, won't you?

If she's boasting to a friend she will probably come round.

Anyway good luck and all the best!

Her face fell? She sounds a frigging delight.

Congratulations, op, on your pregnancy. You and your DH don't need to keep her happy, and I'm sure your MIL will take her head out of her arse and realise how incredibly lucky she is at some point. Until then, let her be. MILs can be funny buggers. You enjoy your moment.

Do not let her reaction get you down. You might find this is the first of many annoying things she does, op. Sorry. I feel your pain though.