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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worrying about telling MIL Im expecting...

166 replies

mumkee · 05/04/2015 17:20

name changed just in case...

basically me and hubby have been together nearly 7 years, we got married last July and both in mid twenties.

I have a nice MIL who I get on really well with, it was a little strained at beginning as she can be quite clingy with her sons (upset over them leaving home/ getting married/ leaving her ect.)

Im REALLY nervous about telling her I'm expecting our first baby this year, we are over the moon and planning to tell family next week.

However When we told her we had booked our wedding date, she was really disappointed and actually CRIED! She was distraught because we wanted a small registry office and she wanted us to have a big church do with all her family and work friends invited. She REALLY upset me the way she was so selfish and only thought of her own needs surrounding our wedding. DH was really upset with her too and I ended up avoiding her for weeks, she totally ruined what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Instead of talking about dresses and after parties, we spent hours at their house listening to her distraught ramblings over the wedding!

I'm not really worried about what she will say when we tell her about the baby, she has already alluded to my DH not being ready, and that we are both young (also she thinks she is too young to be a grandma...)
I will be so upset if she ruins the announcement for FIL (who I LOVE) and BIL. I keep thinking she will say 'was it planned', 'I thought you were saving for mortgage?' 'I thought you were waiting a bit' etc...

I left her house in tears over eventually over the wedding announcement upset, what shall I do if it all kicks off over the baby? I dont want to fall out with her but she can be really selfish when she blurts things out without thinking how they will effect us...

REALLY nervous about telling her our happy news!

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:20

Sorry x posted mumkee I was responding to fugacity.

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:21

Peachypants I agree completely, my MIL actually did attempt to throw money at us because she thought we couldnt afford a bigger wedding so thats why we weren't having one, we actually planned to try for a bbay and wanted to save money for that. We turned down her offers but she was only offering so she could chose what we had, like she tried to do with the flowers..

OP posts:

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:21

Sorry for annoying you. I was just trying to justify your MIL's reaction, despite the drip feed. It's always good to see an issue from two sides, and never good to be self absorbed.

I am quite pleased that you are riled though. :). It can only lead to good things.

Topseyt · 05/04/2015 18:21

Congratulations on the pregnancy. I hope it goes smoothly.

With regard to your MIL, try to think through in advance the sort of things you might expect to hear her come out with, and have some ready responses that you think may take the wind out of her sail without being too heavy handed. It was planned, you are both delighted about it and that is really all there is to it.

I don't think that any parent has the right to try and control the lives and choices of their adult children, especially when it comes to matters of weddings and family planning. My dad tried it once, with my sister when she was about 30. It didn't end well, but I won't go into any more detail here (all dealt with now).

Fugacity, would you not worry that your "values" could drive your children away to elope if they don't feel comfortable doing things your way? They don't have to share your beliefs. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I am not ridiculing your values, but nobody should think that their way is the only way. That can drive a wedge in.

Nothing wrong with registry office weddings if that is what the couple want. I enjoyed our big wedding and look back on it fondly. I won't try to dictate to my children what they should do though. I just hope that they can make choices they are personally happy with, and I will make the effort to be accepting, even if perhaps I end up finding something a bit odd. It is their choice to make, not mine. They are not me. Also, they are likely to be paying most of the bills for what they decide to do, not me.

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:22

But TROLL, my MIL wasn't annoyed because we didnt want to get married in a church, she was annoyed at the size, read the post properly.

Nut job.

OP posts:

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:23

I don't really do "mouth shut, wallet open", Peachy.

I don't think this would be a surprise to any of my children, so not likely to be an issue.

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:24

getting back to what I was originally talking about!

Topseyt- we have thought of a few things she would say and have responses ready! I am trying to imagine that she will be happy but have a few questions about what our plans are, I think she will disagree with a few of our choices perhaps, she just needs to relax a bit!

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 05/04/2015 18:24

To 'was it planned?' Grow a back bone. "Yes of course if was" add "you do realise its rude to ask people that? It implies we're feckless and irresponsible"

To any "I thought..." Type comment answer with a "well clearly not! (points at belly and laughs)" or how about a cheerful "nope ! /no! , definitely not! Etc.

There's the standard "you thought wrong" or "you know what thought did?"

If she keeps it up say outright. "Aren't you pleased for us?"

Get dh on the same page and if nothing else just steel yourself for general PA bullshit but don't let it get you down. You dictate how you feel about this, not her. If you feel joyful making the announcement then anyone bit pleased for you is just a bit twisted and sad.

Think if this as training for all the shit you're going to have to put up with when you don't parent in the way she sees fit. Be firm now and you might actually save yourself a lot of hassle in the future if she realises she can't keep putting you down or boss you around.

GailTheGoldfish · 05/04/2015 18:25

I am quite pleased that you are riled though. smile. It can only lead to good things.

Did Fugacity's posts help anyone find Jesus? Anyone?

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:25

Ugh I hope they run away and get married on a beach and don't invite you, nightmare..

OP posts:

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:28

My posts are not intended to proselytise, but merely to show that other people have different points of view.

WyldChyld · 05/04/2015 18:29

Fug, not riled but interested in what you would have to say to my post above. If your child lived with/ married someone who was Jewish or Muslim or any faith other than Christan and decided together civil wedding and no christenings etc

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:29

ZenNudist-

I think the was it planned question will lead to a bit of upset and outrage on my part, I mean, she has no right to ask that really, so I will call her out on that.
Me and DH are totally in the same page so I know he will argue her down if he thinks I'm threatened, he cant stand it when she talks to him like a child

OP posts:

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:31

My friend had a MIL like Fugacity- when she had her first baby, the MIL said she wasn't prepared to keep seeing it or even come in the house if she wasn't going to have the baby christened. So guess what- my friend's DH said don't see the baby then..and closed the door.

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:31

I wonder if you choose to tell them face to face could you do it on neutral and public territory e.g go out for a meal, this may temper any tendencies she has to through a whingey strop?

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:32

I will be honest and say that I would be concerned if they did not link up with a Christian. It's hard for Christians to be in a one-sided marriage, although not impossible. There are lots of hurdles in the future.

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:33

WyldChyld- that is a good idea, we were planning on telling my DHs brother before his parents and asking him what he would think MIL would react like.

BIL would be so thrilled for us, the only one in the family that is a bit of a problem is MIL, she just reacts to big news in a bit of a selfish way

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:33

The other thing that might help is if you have some of your family there, she may think twice about saying those things in-fort of people who she doesn't know so well.

Fugacity · 05/04/2015 18:34

I wouldn't see my son's baby? How did you compute that, OP?

PeachyPants · 05/04/2015 18:34

infront!

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:36

PeachyPants we did think of that but I think my MIL would feel a bit put out and would be more comfortable finding out in her own home, she might get teary and emotional (in a good way!) and she would be embarrassed!

I do try my very best to accommodate her because she finds it hard when her sons take steps away from her, if you know what I mean!

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 05/04/2015 18:36

As a pp poster said - prepare for a bad reaction - think about how you want to tell them, and have some comments ready to come back with things you think she might say.

My MIL's reaction when we told her I was pregnant was - 'Don't expect me to do any babysitting - I don't like children' however I knew she wouldn't be fussed it upsets me as my Mum would have been ecstatic but is no longer with us.

MIL and SIL also caused a lot of issues with our wedding two weeks prior - so I really do sympathise - my best advice is to minimise in your head the comments she makes. I smile, take the attitude of water off a ducks back, and try my hardest not to get irritated - fail sometimes but try not to let it get to me.

She shows very little interest in her GC which I find so sad.

Original poster

mumkee · 05/04/2015 18:38

Fugacity- thats not what I said, I said your attitude reminds me of my friend's MIL, then gave an example of how she fell out with her son over religious views and came out worse off.

OP posts:

Joyfulleastersquad · 05/04/2015 18:38

Crossed post!

It's sounds great but she will absolutly piss on your parade! What makes you think she will hold it together if she has form for being hard work ? I really wouldn't give her chance.

grannytomine · 05/04/2015 18:39

Don't worry too much. One of our favourite family stories is about when we told my MIL I was pregnant. She started smashing dishes and I swear she was snarling. Obviously I was a bit shocked but we have had many a laugh over it since. She was fine in the end by the way.

One day you will probably laugh about the drama about the wedding and maybe about the announcement, it will be OK. Just remembered MIL at my wedding, she was dressed completely in black, I kid you not there was no hint of colour, tights, coat, hat, bag. Honestly I have seen cheerier guests at a funeral. When she started sobbing during the vows we got the giggles and in the end we were told off and had to calm down.

You might have to wait till your a granny to see the funny side but I promise you will. Congratulations by the way.

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