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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp's ex has cried over these easter dates to bag herself some free childcare?

237 replies

rhonddagirl · 04/04/2015 21:47

They have been split for a year but he does loads for her- most of before and after school care of their 2 dds, plus part of the weekends. He was due to have them over the Easter weekend, from today til Tuesday so she could work from home (she's a teacher) but he has been offered some work so can't do it - or so I thought. He is self-employed so no work, no pay.

Anyway, he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning (his dm was available til then) and she has had a meltdown - can't cope unless he has them til Tuesday. So he has caved and the job is off Angry.

AIBU to think this is a piss-take and she is using him?

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 06/04/2015 10:10

She is the family breadwinner, I'm betting she shoulders a lot of the bills even more now her DH/DP has abandoned his family. So he damn well should be there at 6:30am to ensure she can get to work to provide for their children.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 10:17

And the 'childcare' thing. I call it childcare when I'm referring to my own children, most people I know do too. When we arrange nursery, babysitters, whatever. I might even refer to it when I'm doing it... it's a catch-all term that some just love to squabble about.

Depends whose saying it though and in what circumstances. A McDonald's mum/dad on their phone constantly is hardly 'looking after their children', it's barely 'childcare' either. A mum/dad spending the day/hours doing stuff with their kids, it's caring for their children, 'childcare', no? Some people get very hung up on a term. It's about what the parent does, not what they call it.

Stampy your post was really bad and you should apologise to the OP. Your fawning over party is cringey btw.

Zadkiel · 06/04/2015 10:18

No, not unreasonable to ask, but if the answer is no, it's no and he needs to accept that.

To be fair to him though, we don't know what his reaction was. He may have just accepted it. And he may be perfectly happy with how he and his ex are sorting things out in these early days of separating.

It could be that the only one with a problem with it all is the op.

Unfortunately I think loads of us here have experienced exes with the attitude the op has towards the ex wife - either on their own, or with a new girlfriend/new wife who joins in with attitude.

It is awful dealing with someone who, no matter what you do, no matter what the truth is, will always put you in the wrong or blame you for everything. I see that attitude on here a lot and there's a lot of finger pointing at the xw for things going on in the NRPs home or life.

And just as some may be justified it's equally possible that it isn't.

A thread like this is bound to press buttons for those RP exes on the receiving end of that behaviour, so responses will be heightened.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 10:19

Know that, do you, LittleBairn? Or is it possible that her ex is paying for his children as well? All that's been said is that he walked away taking nothing. I don't know more than that, does anybody else?

"I bet" is a cop out and a 'stirring the pot' one at that.

Zucker · 06/04/2015 10:24

I do get a bit hmm about the not coping etc because I've been on my own for 4 years and have small dc and have had to just get on with it.

That's probably at the heart of the problem here. Why should she scrape and struggle along just because your ex has abandoned your children? Would it be okay for him to "mind" his own children if he invoiced her for the time?

This man/setup may not be for you OP, unless you do actually want him to walk away from his responsibilities.

Threads like this really show how attitudes have not moved one single inch from "well she had the kids she needs to shut up and put up and get on with it. What do you expect from men they need their freedom"

LittleBairn · 06/04/2015 10:25

lying yes because the OP provided the information.

LittleBairn · 06/04/2015 10:27

And by 'taking nothing' what should he have taken the family sofa, his children's tv, the marital bed?
He is the one that chose to leave he doesn't get a pat on the back from me for not taking belonging from the family home.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 10:32

What do you actually know, LittleBairn? 'Taking nothing' to me meant that he took his personal belongings and has left everything else. No 'pat on the back' required for that but marriages break up and the leaving parent is reasonable, wanting to leave everything so that the children are least affected.

I can't find that information on this thread so I'm not judging it. It's been a 'pile on' though, as per usual.

'Chose to leave' means absolutely nothing. Neither parent gets a pat on the back for doing what's right for their children and nor should they, it's nobody else's business.

TenerifeSea · 06/04/2015 10:32

"now her DH/DP has abandoned his family."

Projecting, much?! Hmm Sometimes relationships break down and couples live apart but it is not "abandoning".

TenerifeSea · 06/04/2015 10:37

I also agree with Lying about the typical MN pile in. There were some particularly nasty posts that say far more about the person saying them than this post could ever say about the OP.

TenerifeSea · 06/04/2015 10:38

^^this thread could ever say about the OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 10:40

Fab posts from LadyCatherine, Charlotte333 and BananaYellow. None of this is easy, splitting up and dealing with the outfall when there are children involved is very hard indeed.

SummerHouse · 06/04/2015 11:10

[Sigh of relief]

Thanks to lying and Tenerife I no longer feel that I am in an alternative reality where a person is "vile" for no apparent reason.

SurlyCue · 06/04/2015 11:41

I am willing to bet all the bacon in my fridge that this guy is full of shit. You are being very naive to take what he is saying without a massive pinch of salt.

Best advice for you, as a new partner of 6 months, step waaay back. Its all too raw for them, theyre still sorting it. They need to do that between the two of them to work out what is best for their DCs. What you think should happen is irrelavent (sorry, i know that is blunt but it is the case right now) they arent and never will be your DCs so it isnt your decision how they are cared for. As for the money situation- you are way too involved with not just his finances but hers, a woman you have never met! Seriously- step back, slow down. You may think this is the man for you but you know what if he is then he still will be in years to come, give him the space he needs to get on his feet financially and also with his DCs, and also give yourself a real chance to find out who he is. Who he really is, you dont know anyone well enough after 6 months to be involved in their parenting choices. And you really dont know that what he is telling you is truth or his economic version of the truth designed to give his new girlfriend a favourable opinion of him. Be cautious, dont fuck with kids out of some sense of loyalty or possesiveness or jealousy. Let him get on with whatever he is going to to and just be his girlfriend. Honestly you will be far happier the less involved you get in this.

Zadkiel · 06/04/2015 13:17

It's unfair to pile in and criticise Dad because we don't know what he is doing, saying or thinking. We don't know how he is behaving towards his ex. But I don't think that has happened anyway.

Everything we know is the op's attitude towards the ex wife - that her partner provides "childcare", that mum can't cope, that he left with nothing, etc. This exw can do nothing right in the new girlfriend's eyes.

She has expressed a lot of opinions and judgements about someone she has never met, and it's absolutely right that she has been challenged on them.

Zadkiel · 06/04/2015 13:19

And I love Zuckers last paragraph, and agree with it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 13:23

By the same token, Zadkiel, we don't know what the ex-wife is like either. We only know what the OP has said about this particular occasion.

Challenged, ok. Told that she's the OW (and I notice that the poster who said she was her OW and who completely overreacted and milked it for all she was worth, is now mysteriously silent)... and that she deserves herpes, etc. is not ok, not at all.

OP said ^^ that she was being unreasonable. That was really the sign for the pile in to stop. It didn't. No excuse whatsoever for the continued bitchiness and projection.

Dieu · 06/04/2015 13:34

I'm not much of a one for Schadenfreude, but I'm glad the OP has had this response (go Mumsnetters!). This is exactly the kind of shit I can imagine my ex's girlfriend (from an affair) coming out with. Oh, and I should be out working full-time, according to her!

MsColouring · 06/04/2015 13:59

I do think the OP has been treated unfairly on this thread (but she got involved with a man with children and this is mumsnet so that was inevitable) but equally I think arrangements should be stuck to. If it's his time, it is his responsibility to arrange alternative childcare if he can't have them.

IMO these 'informal' arrangements sound great in theory but are hard to maintain in the long run. And it might seem like it is best for the children but might be giving them false hope that their parents might get back together and also may be upsetting when the parents find they can't maintain this arrangement. He needs to have some proper contact time and not just feel like he is her 'childcare'. Does he have regular weekend contact? My dp's contact used to depend on his ex's work schedule so he had him a lot during the week and then she would end up with their dc every weekend and tell dp he was lucky to have his dc so much.

Is it the case that she has all the control when it comes to contact?

newstart15 · 06/04/2015 14:08

OP, please be sceptical about what your boyfriend tells you about his ex.My friends ex h would stay longer at her house because he struggled with the loss of his previous life (even though he left).He always represented his ex wife as not coping and that was absolutely not the case.You seem way too involved for such an early relationship and I would advise disengaging and not investing as much as you are.I speak as a previous single mum and now step mum.As it's so early in their breakup (allow at leat 2 years for healing) you are getting dragged in to THEIR issues however you only see his side.At times BOTH are unreasonable so you and your children could be caught in the cross fire.

Step back, let him build his life and then you and him have firm foundations.Don't take any responsibility for his life even if you can help as it's not healthy.

Zadkiel · 06/04/2015 14:20

Yes, I agree Lying, good point. And yes, some posters have been harsher than others and brought their stuff into it.

SurlyCue · 06/04/2015 14:22

He needs to have some proper contact time and not just feel like he is her 'childcare'.
why is it "contact" when it is a man doing the morning/afterschool stuff but when it is a woman it is just parenting? Why is his time with his children not "proper contact" just because it is spent doing the daily run of the mill stuff? The same stuff he was doing when he lived with them as he was the SAHP?

Does he have regular weekend contact?

"most of before and after school care of their 2 dds, plus part of the weekends."

Sounds like theyre doing 50/50 care. If he was the SAHP then its pretty reasonable that he would continue to do the mornings and after school stuff like before. And theyre splitting the weekends. Not really sure what isnt "proper" about his contact, anymore than the mother's "contact".

SurlyCue · 06/04/2015 14:29

If this woman is a teacher im guessing shes not home before half 4 in the afternoons. So dad is doing 6.30am-9.am then 3pm-4.30pm = 4 hours. Mum is doing 4.30pm til bedtime (op says 8pm on sunday so guessing the same on school nights) so she is doing about 3.5 hours in the evening. Theyre splitting weekends and having tea together on sunday evenings finishing about 8pm. If his contact isnt proper then hers isnt either but its pretty much 50/50. Not sure how to make either contact more "proper" without taking away from time spent with either parent.

SanityClause · 06/04/2015 14:36

Not much to add, except, do be aware of men with "psycho exes".

Perhaps that "psycho ex" is just a human being with emotional needs?

MsColouring · 06/04/2015 15:00

I get your point SurlyCue - I missed the bit about part of the weekends and I was partly projecting my dps situation.

However, I don't see how this pattern can be maintained in the long run. The children's father is going to need to earn his own money otherwise he isn't going to be able to be able to afford to live and is restricted by doing the before and after school care every day.

I don't know anyone who has managed to maintain this type of arrangement long term. Once the parents have other interests and other partners they will need more space from each other.